Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Liberty

I could never forget the thrill of standing in front of the statue of liberty, seeing it with my own naked eyes for the first time. The weather was freezing cold but I felt my heart throbbing fast and there was heat rising within.
It was a token of friendship from France to the United States in the the year of 1886. The statue is gigantic. At the height of 151 ft, it stands on the pedestal and foundation, gazing at the world from the famous New York harbor. From the bottom, I was just a tiny dot that extended my neck to the maximal, trying to have a better view of the US icon.

It is a liberal land, which provides people with liberal dreams. Humans from every corners of the planet would try whatever way to flock to this freedom land, in search of individuals' dreams.

I was totally overwhelmed by the wonders of the dreamland. You are allowed to grow your own wings, spread it anytime you want to and fly high in the sky.

I forbid myself to generate any thoughts, staying a blank mind works better for my emotions. So far, I am proud to say that I am doing good, but I am sure I will get better.

I need a lock for memory and liberty in heart.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

运气

是的,这一次我就用久违了的华语来写这一篇文章。不为什么,只是想用不一样的文字来抒发‘波涛汹涌的感情’吧。此外,也想趁此机会温习一下已日渐陌生的母语。呃,身为受了无数年华文教育的华族后裔总该要写的出一篇起码像样的文章吧?!

最近生活掀起了大波浪,被乌云笼罩的我唯有苦中作乐,娱人自娱。其实日子还是不错的啦,好吃好住。想笑就笑,想哭就哭;从另一个角度去看,好像还蛮自由自在的叻!可能人在经历了一些事情后就会傻傻的在陀陀乌云中找寻光线吧。其实太阳的确是躲在黑云后啦,不过我还没找到它。待我们结束了这场‘躲猫猫’游戏我会告诉你们雨后真的就有彩虹喔! 请给我多一些时间。

在这里要告诉你们我一个漂亮朋友的故事。她可是我大学时期的校花,人比花儿娇,心似菩萨善的她有时傻呵呵的,有时懒懒的,有时却又精明能干(其实以前我有写过她的故事,好奇者请按这里,你可以看到她沉鱼落雁的尊容噢!)。芳龄二十五的她早领先往日同学,写了不知多少本富含创意及教育性质的书,羡煞了多少旁人。但是,小女子她可是苦尽甘来的喔。她在被无理老板压迫了一年多后才闯出一番成绩。默默忍受,埋头苦干了这么久的她终于凭着那一群她引以为傲的‘孩子’闯出了一番春天,在异国觅得合意高职,即将离家展开另一页璀璨人生。我在羡慕之余真的也献上了无限祝福。经过了那么多的努力,那是她应得的啦!正所谓“不经一番寒彻骨,哪得梅花扑香?" (嘿,我可是有文学涵养的呖!)

近日与她聊了一会儿,脸上总露出大酒窝的她在谈到自己的成就突然显得有些严肃。她振振有词的诉说她对一些评语的不满。

“很多人都说我很幸运,可以找到一份自己喜欢而又高薪的工作。可是我在努力的时候有人看到吗?老板刻薄,乱发脾气,薪水又低。我经过了那么多次的艰跨国应征,找了近两年才成功找到这份合眼的工作,所以我真的不觉得我是靠运气。。。”

她的这一席话真的很引人深思。很多时候,我们总觉得别人被上天眷顾,遍逢好运。无可否认,有者在人生际遇中的确会好运连连;但是,更多的时候我们需要的是最基本的努力。与其在角落妒忌他人的成就、埋怨人生的不公平,何不站起来做一些应该做的事?有时候好运真的是可以在经过很多努力后创造出来的。

这只是一篇小品,愿与大家共勉之。

Friday, November 14, 2008

Cousins

My mother hailed from a very big family. She was born as the eldest daughter and has other seven siblings in the family. Throughout my personal observation, I realise that the two biggest weak points in having such a gigantic traditional family being:

1. The family is always poor.
2. The siblings do not care about each other by heart.

My father came from another huge family, too. And, the saddest thing is, I don't know how many siblings my father owns. He never gets along well with them due to some family conflicts that I would never understand. So, this proves the second point as stated above to be correct.


Anyways, what I want to talk about here is my cousins. I am not sure how many cousins I have got from my father's side but I familiar with my mother's. If I am not mistaken, I think I have altogether 15 cousins from my maternal family. Most of them are around my age, which allowed me to have a lot of playmates back then. Yes, we were really close. Though, unavoidably, we all know that things changed tremendously in the process of growing up. Without me realising, we move away from each other eventually after losing the purest childlike innocence. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder-is this some kinds of price that we have to pay to grow up?

In fact, there are ongoing issues among ours parents, which might be one of the factors that drift us apart. However, I just couldn't help but wishfully indulge in the dreams of 'Maybe'. Yeah, maybe we could do better, if shits did not occur or we tried harder. Well, what done cannot be undone and nothing can be fixed through a one-way street. I am just going to rearrange my memories, update the data and then perhaps, seal off part of the old recollection.

THEY used to be my sweetest brothers and sisters... But now they are merely strangers whom I could barely recognize.

I. Ngee
He went to UK two years for study. His parents sold out two double storey-houses to sponsor his luxury life over there. Besides, he 'borrowed' 80K from my grandpa as school fee but we all know that he would never return the money. He would not even visit the grandparents after getting back from UK. He got a job now in KL and seems to be doing pretty good. I haven't seen him for years.

II. Fen
She failed in college for several times and then changed to another college to continue study. I heard some rumours that she did not graduate from the other college, too. Now, she is tutoring kids and might be running her own tuition center?! She teaches piano, too. When she was old enough to know that her family is rich and others were poor, she started treating others in a cold manner. She was brainwashed by her mom completely and treating everybody as her enemy.

III. Ming
He is a very good looking kid. He did not do good in school so after high school, he started helping out at his parents' store. He was spoiled in someways and intended to run some illegal business as a way to get rich. Owing to his gifted appearance, sweet-talking mouth and generous spending behaviours, he was able to change his girlfriends on a monthly basis ever since he was 17. He cheated on most of his previous girlfriends and currently he is co-habituating with a girl who has been dating him for like 4 years. This girl had abortion for three times and wanted to leave him. Though, the girl's mother injected her with the idea that sticking with a rich guy is the remedy to happiness for women. So, she is still staying with him, driving a big Honda car given by my cousin's mother.

IV. Na
She got a certificate in tourism and had worked as a tour-guide for a while. She used to lead the trips to China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. She is not the slim type but she is very attractive I shall say. She used to tell everybody that there were a lot of guys went after her or hit on her whenever she goes. Though, none of us could understand why she would once be with a jobless physically-challenged guy who took her car and cheated on her. Anyways, she learned a lesson and after that and now dating a rich dude who owns three boutiques in the region. According to my relatives, this rich dude is running a lot of illegal business underneath. Na resigned from her tour-guide job, drives a 'Waja' and became the lady boss of one of the boutiques. Many relatives who went to her shop complained that she shows people's attitude when they tried to get friendly. Her mother was upset about her frequent sleep-overs at the boyfriend's. She told me that she wished that the daughter could get pregnant someday and got married as she feels painful to witness the things going on everyday.

V. Jo
She is a teenager and she has no interest in whatever that relates to academic. After high school, she works at her sister, Na's shop. She likes nothing but buying new clothes, putting on make-up and taking pictures of herself. She was in some sorts of beauty pageant contest before but she did not win. She is just 18 but I heard that she has changed plenty of boyfriends ever since she starts dating. She spent like 600++ to perm her hair and has made up her mind to be a barbie doll, as if it was a blessing for eternal happiness.

Frankly speaking, I have not seen or talk with any of them for years. Asides from my personal encounters, the rest of the information were given by some other relatives. As such, the data might be biased or inaccurate. Besides, they can talk about me like the way I did to them here, since I have a lot of my flaws, too. Nonetheless, believe it or not, I am not trying to generate a very bad picture of them. It's just that part of me wished that we were still a group of kids, holding each other hands, playing games without judging anybody.

Let's turn back time...

Monday, November 10, 2008

What else?

"锦上添花时时有
雪中送炭有几人
要学松柏千年绿
不做桃花一时红"

I am lucky to have a friend who is a "Charcoals-sender". It's precious in this world, isn't it? So, this nice friend of mine has been working with the same media company for like more than two years and she seems to be doing really good. When I asked her if she is happy with her job, she did not really reply me in a direct manner. Instead, she gave me a complicated look and said,

"Well, besides this, I really don't know what else I can do..."

That was kind of discouraging, in someways.

Then, I remember Chloe told me the same thing.

"I am not sure what else I can do, besides writing." Claimed Chloe, in a sunny afternoon after lunch.

These few days, I have the same doubt. So, besides writing bad copies of articles that need to be edited at least 10 times before getting published, what else can I do?

Sometimes, I am regret for being retarded in Science and some other boring subjects like:economy, business and finance. The professions like doctor, engineer, pharmasist and accountants provide a more promising income and future.

Though, I am SzeChia and I am who I am, I can never be someone else.

So what else I can do?

I think should be feeling proud of myself and having the guts to press the reset button in life over and over again.

That's indeed a blessing, I think.

Friday, November 07, 2008

The van. The memory.


The van in the picture is widely seen everywhere. When I was little, looking at those colourful pictures and reading out loud the slogans that were printed around the vehicle's body seemed to be my hobby. I knew the advertising jargon-'Transit Advertising' when I was in the college; it is actually a term that describe the 'moving' advertising medium like train, bus, truck, van and so on. So, the 'Red Bull' was a transit advertisement.

Most of the times, those advertisements can be fun to look at as they are normally simple and catchy to the eyes. However, I do not believe that too many of you out there had really sat in those so-called advertising van or truck before. Well, I did, for uncountable times. My father used to be a salesman who drove around company's big vans (bigger and more colourful than the one in the picture, I swear), promoting the products besides delivering them to the particular stores. Of course, it was not with the 'Red Bull' company, he had done similar jobs with several different companies before. The only one that I have memory of was 'Tong Garden', the Asia's largest flavoured nuts supplier company.

Both of my parents hailed from extremely poor families which did not even able to provide them three meals a day. As such, education was an unreachable luxury for them. Listening to their upbringing was like being exposed to the greatest nightmare. I could never imagine myself growing like the way they did. Living itself was the toughest challenge for my parents as even the utmost basic thing like getting A bowl of rice A day also appeared to be impossible. But, somehow, they survived and then continue the circle of poverty.

My family was poor, in fact, we still do. But things are getting slightly better now since we need no educational funding or kids' pocket money anymore. Before that, it was a total mess. Everyday my parents argued about money and my mom worked like a dog just to make ends meet. Meanwhile, my father worked hard, too but he did not contribute much due to his different set of belief that forced him to make bad choices in life. In short, he was never a good husband and certainly stayed far away from the standard of being a responsible father.

I hated him. I blamed him for all the damages and pain he brought to the family. However, now I look back to my childhood memory with my father, all I have in my mind are the pictures of me sitting in my father's advertising van. That was the only transportation we had and he used to rush back home during lunch hour to take me to the tuition centre and sometimes found some excuses to leave earlier from work just to pick me up later.

I remember that year I was ten years old. One of my friends spotted me getting off from my father's 'Tong Garden' van in that burning hot afternoon. Then, she told my others classmates that I got off from a big colourful advertising van, asking if that was my father's van.

I was young and ignorant. I got embarrassed and defensive immediately. I denied it on the spot. Ever since then, I realised that I was the only one student who got off from a big advertising van whereas most of my friends had those rich parents who drove luxurious cars. I think I started having the idea of 'caste' right after that incident.

Obviously, I was ashamed by my father's van and most of the time I refused to have him drive me. When there was no other better options, I would walked away from the crowd to wait for my dad at a corner and then got on the van as fast as I could when he arrived to avoid attention. Besides, I would also moved my body off the car's window, placed myself into a total 'facing-the-right' side position so that even if my friends saw the van, they would not notice that I were sitting in it.

My sneaky behaviours sure made my father suspicious. One day, when I was sitting diagonally from the window, My father said to me," You just don't want to let your friends know that you are sitting in this kind of van, right? That's why you waited me at the other place and try to stay away from the window."

I was shocked to be confronted like that. So again, I denied, as if my actions were not apparent and cruel enough.

He did not say anything afterwards. Instead, he gave out a big sarcastic laugh. His eyes was hollow and the laughing was like the only expression he could use to cover his disappointment.

Unequivocally, he was not the best father. Anyhow, he was not the worst either. At least, he cared about his daughter even when she did not deserve it. If there were any chances again, I will sit in the huge advertising van, next to my father because now only I realise that having a father who cares is an undoubtedly honor in life.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

M&M


With the winning of numerous Grammy Awards, this Michigan-bred white rapper was recognized as the best amongst the best in the predominantly black Hip-Hop world. My black friends did not find him impressive but many white girls and 'Wigga-wannabe'(call me a racist! I don't give a damn) are crazy about him. I am not an expert in any genre of the music so I am not in the position to commend or critisize. I am not sure if he is always the best, though Marshall Bruce Mathers III aka Eminem;the miracle created by Dr Dre, is definitely my all-time-favourite.

I used to be a pure sentimental songs lover, anything besides sweet, slow and mellow music would drive me insane. Of course, I heard about Eminem-the talented white rapper ever since I was a teenager. However, I read more about his controversial personality, traumatizing chilhood, criminal backgroud and some other socially unaccepted behaviours. As such, I stereotyped him as another white trash who highlighted violence and sex as the unique selling point in his songs, poisoning the mind of the ignorance.

Chloe was the one who opened the door for me. Few years ago, she showed me the real Slim Shady's world. The music maestro keeps track of all those superstars' movements and Eminem happend to be one of her preffered artist. After her constant persuasion, I agreed to give it a try. His first song that I listend to was 'Cleaning out my closet'. Seriously, I found the music to be interesting. Immediately, I looked up the lyrics and I thought it was amazing. Ever since then, I got his CDs and started listening to them, exploring them one by one. I would be dishonest if I were telling you that all of his songs are wonderful. Frankly speaking, in my opinion, not all of them are great but I will conclude him as a rapper with strong verbal energy. Most of his songs had portrayed high quality of lyricism.

From his first album,'Infinite(1996)' to his coming 'Relapse(2008)', there had been an obvious transition of his music style. Insisting to ditch the shadows of other famous rappers away, he released his second album, 'The Real Slim Shady LP(1999)', which was totally exuding his astonish talent and personality. I could feel it when there is a true shocking memory behind a song; the painful hate-the-world vent and grumble can be the best mechanism to wash away your frustration in time.

The list of his songs that tickle my fansy: 'Cleaning out my Closet', 'Mocking Bird', 'Stan', 'The Kid', 'Like Toy Soldier', 'Hailie's Song', 'Lose yourself', 'My Name Is', 'Kim', 'Superman', 'Mosh' and recently-new-favourite-'White American'.

Chloe said she liked Eminem in suit, wearing glasses, looking hot and polite. I like it, too. But, I prefer him tearing off his tie and suit, showing off his big T-shirt with logo and pants that are a minimum of 40 full sizes over his original size!

Yes, he has tattoos. He got married for two times and divorced for two times with the same woman. He might be a druggie and alcoholic. He might be suffering from many forms of mental disorders and he could be the worst you ever got in this world.

Screw that! Who cares? At least he produces good music and he has been true to himself.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Huan ZhiYing

Hello. My name is Huan Zhi Ying. I don't know what's the meaning behind my name and I don't really care. Sometimes people call me "BB" or "Ah B", too. Granny didn't like it, she insists on calling me "YingYing". Who cares? As long as you allow me to drool on you and take me to the park, I love you.

As a baby, I love sleeping, chewing on toys and papers, crying out loud, laughing for no reason and pulling down table cloths. Besides, I drool 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Granny said I will stop having drooling mouth after growing up. But when will that be? I have no idea.

I sleep most of the times when I am not playing.


And, I am always hungry. I am waiting to be fed. I love soft and warm porridge served with Bovril. Mommyyyy... I am waiting!


HHmmmmHH. Yum YuM! I want more!
Oh... My tummy is filled up. I am full... (0_o)
Daddy, Stop! I mah puke them out! I don't want to eat anymore!
I am a baby. I cry when I don't want to eat! I cry LOUD and I struggle!
I am a baby. Normally when I cry, I win. Hurray!


Daddy, Mommy, Granpa and Grandma are my SLAVES! hehe.They have to listen to me and serve me nicely else I cry. I IS POWERFUL! Though, evil aunt pinches me all the time, she pokes my belly, too. So, I pull her long hair when I have chance!

I AM A CUTE BABY! LOVE ME!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Sunshine Song

The inside cry...


The other night dear as I lay dreaming
I dreamt that you were by my side
Came disillusion when I awoke dear
You were gone and then I cried

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once dear there'd be no other
That no one else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have broken all my dreams...

That was a song, which everybody sang when they were little. We rose our tiny arms, and bent our back to make a perfect 'O' shape when singing along with the music, under the instruction of the kindergarden school teachers. I thought it was a happy songs until I had a look at the lyrics yesterday, gingerly.

It used the simpliest words to present the pain somebody been through, losing the beloved one, I guess?! Then, it was composed with a happy-sounding music. Surprisingly,the two contrasting emotions matched together, following by the production of a grieving AND delightful song?

Yeah, too many times in life, we laugh;ignoring the tears that were hidden somewhere.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Daytona Beach, Florida




SUMMER 2008

So, People who were selling books, love you all~! Thanks for staying together, creating 'Us' the utmost astonishing chapter in ours life! See you all real soon. MUAKS!!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

China Town and Chinese New Year

Just like the China Town in New York City, Boston and Washington DC, the China Town in Los Angeles is messy and dirty, too. I talked to some friends about it some time ago, we thought that maybe it is a trait of Chinese people?! Oh really? I don't know. At least I am not like that.

Though, no matter how terrible it is, China Town is always a place for me to find a sense of homeliness. I just like to see people with the same skin color walking by, talking the same languages as I do and hopefully getting some food which is similar to what I had in Malaysia.

We set off at noon and get stucked in the heavy traffic for 2hours. Yeah, cursed the traffic in LA. It reminds me of KL, actually it is worse that KL. Anyways, after getting stucked for two whole hours, we still couldn't get there because all of the exits to China Town was closed as there was a Chinese New Year Parade going on. So, screwed that. We got off another exit to hunt for Hong Kong food. Then, we got back to China Town in the evening. Most of the shops were closed so wasn't able to really witness the real busy scene of Chinese New Year.

But, I still think that I have to at least visit some place for the Chinese New Year so I walked around the dark and quiet China Town, looking for nothing in particular but something that I would feel familiar with.

That's what I have found that night:

Fake lion-dancing that was hilarious and idiotic by some Mexicans and White people.

The China Town at night.

The lonely red lanterns in the dark frasty sky.

I guess I feel more lonely. I need to go home, I mean it.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Happy Chinese New Year

The utmost lonely Chinese New Year I ever have in my entire life. This is the first time, I feel like I am the only soul in this world. I breathe alone, in a tiny messy room; I ate my reunion dinner alone, which were the pieces of left over sushi and I sleep alone, on the cold and tiny bed.

Happy Chinese New Year to myself. I hope that I can be surrounded by my family at the next Chinese New Year.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Suicide

A drunkard's wife decided to leave him, owing to the fact that he was hardly sober and could never figure out the difference between hallucination and reality.

It was a rainy night. The city was taken by the intermitten rain but the drunkrad's wife was not aware of the rain as she was busy packing her stuff in the tiny and messy studio apartment.

The drunkard came home, exuding the strong smell of alcohol that could kill any living animals easily. He saw the wife who was going to leave. He knew that was going to happen so he did not stop her. He kept silent, headed to the fridge and took out some booze, sitting at the dirty futon while watching the wife packed.

Approaching the door, the wife saw the heavy rain, which obviously was not a good weather to drag two huge suitcases and leave. So she chose to stay for another night, planning to leave early in the next morning, when the rain stopped.

The wife layed on the futon silently. The atmosphere was haunted by the creepy quietness, as none of the creatures in the room made any noise or intention to talk. Drunkard turned the wife around, looked into her eyes with passison, just the the way he looked at her when they first met ten years ago. He offered her 'Corona Extra', the only beer that she would really drink. Enchanted by the pair of hazel eyes, she took a few sips.

Drunkard held the wife in warm embrace, then, let her lay on his chest, which was a place where she used to turn to when she was lost.

He offered her the bottle for a couple more times, encouraging her to drink more since that was the last night for her to be there. Next, he finished the whole drink by himself, whilst holding her tight in his arm.

The wife started feeling dizzy. She thought that was the effect of the beer. At the moment of falling asleep, she heard somebody mumbling something in the cold air.

"There are poison in the beer. How nice would that if we could die together now, in each other arms, stay together forever, am I right?"

Unconciously, the wife nodded her head weakly. Tears rolled down from the coners of her eyes, right to the chest of the drunkard. The chest was wet, so did the long brown hair of the wife.

Feeling the nodding of the wife, the drunkard laughed.

'Weirdo." He said to his teary wife who was in comma, before closing his own eyes.

The next morning, the room was filled with the smell of alcohol, two huge luggages, empty bottles, pieces of junks and two motionless bodies on the blue futon.

The irony: Was that for the alcohol or love?

Friday, January 04, 2008

It makes no sense

Human's mind is interesting. Sometimes, out of the blue, without you even aware of it, you are bombarded by a lot of old memories.

I worked full time during the winter break. Basically, everyday after 3pm, the business goes slow and quiet. I would sit at the chair near the entrance, and looking at the sunset, catching the last glimpse of the weak sunlight. I didn't think about anything at all. Though, I could always see the different pictures, which were like pieces of puzzles with only images, telling the stories of my passing years.

I saw myself as a 7-year-old, standing in front of the rusty gate, refusing to follow my 11-year-old brother to the tutor's place for tuition class. It was about 7o'clock in the evening. My mother was pulling a long face, about to raise her fingers and pinched me at the chubby cheek. But, the brave little me had my little hand holding the aging gate, firm and tight. That was a picture I have in mind for weeks. I couldn't remember what I had said to my mom which saved me from a beating. However, this afternoon, suddenly, I heard a childlike conversation from my heart,

"Mommy, I have to go to tuition classes 6 days a week after school. Then I have to do my homework and learn spelling. I don't want tuition classes. I don't even have time to see you."

I guess the sentences matched the image. I remember my mom put her raising hand back, looked at me in a very complicated face before turning away.

Then, I have some pictures of me and Chloe in the college. We stayed in Section14, walking to classes everyday. We went to movies and lunches or dinner at the worst eatery in PJ. I was crying in the cinema, watching King Kong with her. I cried too hard and had to cover my mouth with my hand so that I would not interupt other audiences. She kindly passed me tissues. My previous classmates like: Ah Leng's's, Tasha, Chauyen's, Ah Choo's, Rachel's, Chen Chien's and Kenjo's photos were playing in my mind, too. They were like different little pictures that stroke my mind, reminding me about my youthful years in college.

There were pictures of my hamsters and guinea pigs, too. I was a breeder and had kept a lot of them as pets. Two of the furry ones were given by Protocol as gift for my birthday two or three years ago. I have the pictures of them running around, stealing food and biting my lips.

I don't really have any images popped out regarding my elementary or secondary or highschool. I don't know why. Maybe, I missed them completely or maybe there wasn't many pleasant pictures to be remembered of.

Everything that happened in Malaysia seem to be a kind of history, which were jotted down in the text book. When you pick it up for reading, you feel that they were amazing, but you are just unsure if they are true, or did actually really took place.

Looking back at my present life in US, I am wondering if it is real, too. Could it be an illusion in my mind only? Honestly, I don't know what is reality anymore. Nothing seem to be real at the moment.

If i did not took the Korean Air to US last year October, how is my life going to be like in Malaysia? working as a Journalist? Copy writer? Customer Service Officer? Homemaker? A mother of two? or what? Life is definitely not going to be the same.

The escapism from my hometown granted me the total freedom to make big decision on my own. I do not have to care about others' judgement anymore. So, I live like an unleased horse, running in the forest, enjoying the fresh air and cool breeze in this foregin land. I call it a period of 'floating'.Yeah, on the surface of the sea, not sure when am I going to be drown but at the same time, feeling lucky as I am still able to breathe and survive. Of course, there are consequences, I paid price for foolish actions. In order to learn, some people just have to pay.

I have to pinch myself so hard sometimes, to make me aware that the life that I am having right now is not a dream. I find it weird cause I could hardly feel happy or sad anymore. I am like imune to all kinds of emotions. I am just neutral all the time.That's why, I give out neutral answers and comments all the time.

I was in the airport sending Protocol home weeks ago. Ever since then, I could not help but start picturing myself in her position, having friends sending me off at the airport. The only difference is unlike her, I would never be back here anymore. In the picture, I was waving goodbye at my friends, no warm hugs, no emotions on face. I looked numb and waved lifelessly. When my eyes met the deep depressing eyes, my emotion did not change. Though, I heard loud smashing noise. Looking down, I saw my bloody pounding heart on ground, breaking into pieces.

I saw myself carrying luggages, jumping on a jet plane, flying to another foregin city again. I got myself a job, and rented an apartment, staying all by myself, without knowing a single soul in the alien city. Living like a hermit seems to be appealing, sometimes I do think that I need nobody. That will be more relaxing, without the ties of love and hate and responsibility.

I am sorry, this post makes absolutely no sense. I guess it portrays my feeling now, just weird.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Finally

--Finally, we setteled down in Santa Ana. We got jobs after cycling for miles. Not very good-paying job but that was a good start. The bosses and co-workers were nice. We were happy. In the meanwhile, we are looking for some better payment job.

--Finally, we got into school in Fall. After all the hardship in applying, we got what we want-live as a student again, having our major in Marriage and Family Therapy. The school is stupid, still, we are happy cause at least we are students now. Meanwhile, we are thinking of changing to a school in LA, any schools should be better than ours.

--Finally, we changed the Visa. Not a stuoid J1 au pair anymore. We are F1 student in US now, we felt relieve.

--Finally,We lead our regular routine by going to work, then doing homework then school. Sometimes, hainging out with each other. we have been to Universal Studion, and Disneyland. Of course, we tried a lot of good food. We are always bombared by assignments, rushing to get the work done till 3 or 4am . Though, we always have ways to entertain ourselevs. 'Finding enjoyment in a bed of thorns", that's what we have been doing.

--Finally, We got chance to mix with people from all over the world. Most of them were super nice to us. The friendshipd grow. Sometimes, we feel that we are truly blessed. Fate bring us together. We are thankful for having them, who lend their hands when we need them.

--Finally, We got a car. It's a 1994 buick. It's an old car but it's still in good condition. We got it from a Dutch grandparents at 250 US dollar, which is the cheapest price that nobody would believe. Then, we spent hundreds for fixing, hundreds for insurance and regirstration. Not oo bad, the engine is still good. I think we love the car. We drove it to work and school and I have been practicing my skill, so that I can pass my driving test this time. I know I am sucked in driving, but, I think someday I will really get the license, which I have been thinking about ever since last year.

--Finally, My brother got married. My Sister-in-law is going to have the baby next year, April. It's a baby girl. Now, my parents are are busying thinking about the name for the baby. I just wish that the baby can be healthy and happy and kind. That's the 3 most important elements in life. Protocol's going home in two weeks for Spring break. I will be alone but I guess I will be fine.

-- Finally, the semester is going to end in two weeks. Protocol said that she will be back from home earlier. "We shall make a trip to Las Vegas". I was so excited and started searching on the packages to LV. I recalled the trips we had in Washington DC, NYC, Boston and so on. Yeah, it's always good to travel with a good partner who enjoys life and living at the present.

--We registered for Spring classes. At the moment, planning to change the school. We were dreaming about completing the study and get a related job in US for a while, before returning home. It was a wonderful plan, I guess I smiled in in my dream that night.

--Finally, we thought that everything should be ok , at leats for a period of time, laughing at joking abiut each other, waiting for the semester to end.

--Finally, went to a Whiskey Tasting party yesterday night. It was fulled of white people who are originally from Dutch, Ireland and Sweden or America. Everybody was curious about my background. After repeating the same answer for thousands times, I found the balcony and hid. From the horizon, I saw the freeway, and the city of Riverside and LA. No moon, the stars were glittering in the sky. It was 45F yesterday night. I felt my inner organs were shaking. "Are you cold?" Somebody was asking. "Nope." I replied with a smile. I realised that the sky is too wide and endless. However, maybe the sky here doesn't belong to me.

--Finally, I have real financial problem. Family refused to help this time. Mom asked me to pack and go home. I cried to sleep yesterday night, maybe it's a sign of weakness, but I guess it was good to let go some confused sorrow. Where the life is going to take me? or should I lead myself to somewhere?

--Finally, getting back from brunch in Rowland High. The food was good, I ate a lot and was surprised at my own appetite during depression. When I was walking to the parking lot, I felt the sunlight, but the cold wind was blowing. Fall is here, Winter is coing. I left California last year in January. Is the history going to repeat? I guess it's a spell, or curse?

--Finally, I am sitting in front of my favourite laptop, sipping green tea and updating my blog. I seem to be only posting about my agony and confusion nowadays. *sheesh* Not a good sign. But, I guess I will feel better after venting it out. I drink my green tea, it's green. I think I like it.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Wedding Bells

The die is cast, come weal, come woe
Two lives are joined together,
For better or for worse, the link
Which naught but death can sever.
The die is cast, come grief, come joy.
Come richer, or come poorer,
If love but binds the mystic tie,
Blest is the bridal hour.

--Mary Weston Fordham


October 14, 2007 (Sunday). I heard the sounds of the wedding bells...the melody went across the boundary of region, passing through the pacific ocean...


The joy, love and blessing...


Jubilant Dinner...


You and Me, Now and Forever...


Tears trickled down my cheeks, when I was looking at the photos. I missed my dearest brother's wedding. Once in a lifetime, I missed it forever...

Deep inside my heart, I pray for the couple, may you two smothered by bliss, showered by love, overwhelmed by happinesss...

Not asking for fairy-tale-like happily ever after, but eternal companionship, with fidelity and dedication.

I wasn't appearred in any of the photos, I absented from the whole ceremony. This is a regret, which will stay with me forever...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Moon

I like looking at the moon. It doesn't necessary to be a full moon, I don't like the shape of circle that much.

Moon radiates with gentle warm light, appearing like a loving mother in the sky.

The strong wind was blowing; but, the moon was hanging still in the sky, exuding amiable charm from the darkness.

Walking along the sidewalk, inhaling the cold air.
Wind moved across the face. Though, it's hard to feel the freeze, the love of the moon was overwhelming.

I love the moon. Thank you. MUAKS.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

To Linly

I would like to dedicate this post to one very special friend, Linly. First of all, I have to apolozise to her, I am sorry, Linly, I was forced to steal one photo from your blog as this post is written just for you. If you detest this idea, please feel free to tell me, I will take the photo down.

She's a friend whom I have 'really' known for like one year. Knowing her is actually a miracle and destiny, I guess. It's funny to recall ours friendship. In fact, she's a friend, whom I have never met in real life. Now, lend me your ears and I will tell you guys about our story.

August 2006, after knowing the exact flight and departure date to US, I was kinda nervous and anxious about everything. The unseen future with numerous scary possibilities freaked me out. To ease my heart, I logged into a special au pair Yahoo group created by the agency, posting some of my worries while searching if there's anyone out there who would have the same departure date as mine. Unfortunately, I was destinied to fly alone, though, I saw one girl posted some of her concerns, too and she was going to fly for US on the 11th September, it's like two weeks ahead of me. Immediately, I wrote an e-mail to her, asking her about the feeling and preparation. She replied with a lot of kind words as we shared the same mixed feeling of leaving homeland and staying with weird Americans.

At last, she reached Michigan. Still, we kept in touch. After two weeks, I reached California. Then, I got to talk with her over the phone. Out of the blue, in one of the conversations we had, we talked about our background information. Then, HELL! Only at that particular moment, I knew that she actually had her study in the same university as mine, and we actually were in the same faculty. And, we studied the same course but different major.Then, I asked for photos-exchange and discovered the utmost shocking thing-We had certain subjects in the same classes before and she sat besides me in the lecture hall before!

Starting at that moment, it's hard for me to not believe in something we call 'Destiny'. Life's really amazing, isn't it? She was once so near to me but I didn't really care. After travelling more than 9000 miles away from home, I actually get to know her in this foreign land. The seed of friendship was growing rapidly since then. We talked on the phone and chatted online. She tried to be there for me when I had to deal with horrible Americans. She showed her concern and care during my lonely ThanksGiving and Christmas. Besides, she tried her best to help me throughout the rematching process. I was really touched.

Like what she had mentioned in my comment's section, "I chased you all the way from California, New York, New Jersey, and Georgia..." Yeah, she tried her very best to meet me but we couldn't do it due to the discrepancy of dates, holiday and also air tickets. Later on, I moved from West to East, and then East to South. Now I am back to the West Coast again, still, I hasn't seen her in real life yet. Unfortunately, I am not sure when will I ever have chance to see her as she flew back to Malaysia weeks ago. 0_o

I am definitely not happy about everything. I am sorry for my frequent moving. I really want to see you in real life. Remember the time when I was in georgia? We tried so hard to plan for a trip together. Florida, Texas, South or North carolina... We searched online, planning to meet each other at the airport. But then, due to the costly expenses, we painfully call it off.

So, now she's like living in the other planet, far from reaching. I know that she has a hard time readjusting her life, the reversed culture shock was killing her. Though, no worries Linly, things will be alright. You are the brave tortise right? You will certainly outrun those stupid rabbits. Hang on, I miss you. You are one of the special friend whom I will keep in my heart forever. Maybe when I am back home someday, I can see you in real life. Be prepared for a big warm hug. MUAKS.

All the best in life. US is a place for us to realise most of ours dream. You have most of yours came true, that's a blessing. :)

LOVE YOU!!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

23

I had my first birthday in US days ago. I didn't really do anything special on that day as there was nothing really for me to celebrate about. I don't believe in birthday and I always think that I have only one birthday in my entire life, which was the exact day I was born 23 years ago. Besides, after moving to Santa Ana, I have been really busy. Working and having my master study at the same time, kind of exciting huh?! Yeah...0_o. After getting off from work I gotta work on my assignments and journals. So, the result- I never get chance to have a good sleep and do my own stuff. I am always in a state of exhaustion.

Though, my silly friend, Protocol always remember that. She insisted that we should go out and do something fun. So, we went to 'The block', watched a movie, had some shopping, had some drink and then late night dinner. It's just regular, but I enjoyed every moment. I couldn't explain that, just it's really nice to have a good friend who insisted on celebrating your birthday. She bought me a purse, a ring and a cute skirt. In returning her kindness, I gave her a kiss. MUAKS. Protocol, my life will defnitely incomplete without you. Love you.

Then I have a surprise. A friend from West Virginia sent me a gift. When I picked up the parcel at the post office, I thought that it's going to be something general. But, who knows? I got a REAL surprise! When I opened the parcel, I found one stuff animal inside, that was a guinea pig! OH MY GOSH! It looks exactly the same to my previos pet, 'Piggy'. Thanks Will, I appreciate that, a lot. Thank you! Thanls for being so sweet, thoughtful and always be there for me. That's the best present ever! Thanks. All the best to you. :P

MY Piggy! Yeah! This piggy will stay with me forever! Awesome.

So, what now? hmm.. I am 23 years old right now. How time flies, I couldn't believe it. I am getting older and older, it's kinda depressing. Though, like what Protocol said, "We don't have to feel bad for gettig older, as we are doing something meaningful in life and we have learn and experienced so much if compare to others..."

That's true... I am happy of who I am. I love my life at the moment, it allows me to really try something different and I have freedom to do whatever I want. Life's in our hand. I think in some way, if you really try your best, you can have some control on it.

So, sweet 23! Yeah! My life ahead will get better!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Again, Goodbye. Hi, New Life


There are too many 'Goodbyes' in our life. Again, on 2ND September 2007 (Sunday), I had to wave my hands at my friends in Georgia. Thank you, guys. I can never thank you all enough, I remember every single little thing you guys have done for me, that's a kind of warmth, which I am able to sense it, even at the moment I am jotting down my thoughts here.

Life's fulled of surprise. Or like the quote from the movie, which happened to be Chloe's favourite, "Life's a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get next..." That's so true, isn't it?

Right now, I am in Santa Ana, California. It's a nice place, to be honest, I like it alot. Somebody once said that, 'if you hate moving from places to places, you might as well go back to Malaysia, don't bother to stay here in US'. That's kinda mean in someway but it's a fact though. Life's a journey, it's never a destination. I love the saying. So, right now, I carry on my journey in CA.

Living is a bliss. You are the artist of your life. Sometimes, we have to throw away logical sense of design or conventional rule, use some random colours to paint it, who knows? You might be able to produce another 'Monalisa Smile', to be precise, should be a better one... You never know.

I am turning 23 years old soon. My very first birthday in US. Well, screw that, who cares about birthday? I don't. It's just that life's never come back. Recalling my year in US from a distant at a whole, I have no regrets. I have many of my dreams came true.

I guess I have more things that I have to deal with right now. So, hang on. As long as you believe in it, there are hope.

Yeah! I see the light! :p

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Geogia

I have been here for one month, even though I did complain a little bit about me not liking Georgia before. Though, that happened when I was really cranky. That wasn't real. Well, in fact even though Georgia is not that 'happening' if compare to the huge states like New York or California, it's not really that bad. :p

There is quite a huge Asian population in Atlanta, GA. There's not so much going on here but still, the 4 main attractions here, 'The Stone Mountain', 'The coke museum', 'The Georgia Aquarium' and 'CNN' attract quite a lot of tourists from the states nearby. So, that day, my roommates'(the loving married couple whom I mentioned in my previous post)parents came visit. I joined them in their one day trip! I went to the three attractions besides 'CNN'. *sigh. My friends' parents weren't interested in that. haha.. too bad, never mind, maybe I can visit there sometimes later. :P

OK. So, cut the crap. The first destination-- Stone Mountain. Basically, it's a mountain that was formed by a gigantic stone. There was an amazing carve against the huge stone. Now, enjoy the photos.



I took this photo because of the extremely hot guy with tattoo on his shoulder. MAN! He was super hot! He was tanned and have six packs on his stomach. Wow... I tailed him along and caught the photo!
After the exhausting climb under the super hot sun in this summer, it's good to have a cup of creamy ice coffee from Starbuck, served by a hot guy, O_0, wasn't able to catch his photo! Bah, I wasn't happy...
The loving couple with lemon. Aren't they cute? :) I love them a lot, super nice people.

Before setting off to the coke museum, we had some little extra time so we chilled out a little bit in a park nearby. The summer in Georgia was killing everybody. So, there was a man made waterfall in the open area. Wow... Go have fun!
Second Destination--The Coke Museum. It's a museum of coke. It was an awesome place as you got to see cool 4D movies, history of cokes, the making of coke, the advertisement of coke, the greatness of coke, and drink as much as coke as you want to, in that museum! It's all about coke! Yeah!


Here's the weird coke from Italy. It tastes BITTER! Gosh! It's so unique. Coke from different countries taste differently! You guys have to try it!






Final Destination! The Georgia Aquarium. Hmmm. This is an enormous aquarium. But, I prefer the one in Boston, which I went with Protocol. We got to see penguins, but not here in Georgia. :P





Personally, I love the last picture the most. I was kinda emotional when I saw the huge whale swimming behind the glass.

"Where's your home, my big whale? You belong to the deep and mystic blue sea... I want to be like him.. I want to turn into a big fish, but I want to swim in the sea.. not in the aquarium..."

Anyways, it was a fulfilling trip. :) My friends and their parents had been really nice to me. I can never thank them enough. I love you all! :P