Suicide

A drunkard's wife decided to leave him, owing to the fact that he was hardly sober and could never figure out the difference between hallucination and reality.

It was a rainy night. The city was taken by the intermitten rain but the drunkrad's wife was not aware of the rain as she was busy packing her stuff in the tiny and messy studio apartment.

The drunkard came home, exuding the strong smell of alcohol that could kill any living animals easily. He saw the wife who was going to leave. He knew that was going to happen so he did not stop her. He kept silent, headed to the fridge and took out some booze, sitting at the dirty futon while watching the wife packed.

Approaching the door, the wife saw the heavy rain, which obviously was not a good weather to drag two huge suitcases and leave. So she chose to stay for another night, planning to leave early in the next morning, when the rain stopped.

The wife layed on the futon silently. The atmosphere was haunted by the creepy quietness, as none of the creatures in the room made any noise or intention to talk. Drunkard turned the wife around, looked into her eyes with passison, just the the way he looked at her when they first met ten years ago. He offered her 'Corona Extra', the only beer that she would really drink. Enchanted by the pair of hazel eyes, she took a few sips.

Drunkard held the wife in warm embrace, then, let her lay on his chest, which was a place where she used to turn to when she was lost.

He offered her the bottle for a couple more times, encouraging her to drink more since that was the last night for her to be there. Next, he finished the whole drink by himself, whilst holding her tight in his arm.

The wife started feeling dizzy. She thought that was the effect of the beer. At the moment of falling asleep, she heard somebody mumbling something in the cold air.

"There are poison in the beer. How nice would that if we could die together now, in each other arms, stay together forever, am I right?"

Unconciously, the wife nodded her head weakly. Tears rolled down from the coners of her eyes, right to the chest of the drunkard. The chest was wet, so did the long brown hair of the wife.

Feeling the nodding of the wife, the drunkard laughed.

'Weirdo." He said to his teary wife who was in comma, before closing his own eyes.

The next morning, the room was filled with the smell of alcohol, two huge luggages, empty bottles, pieces of junks and two motionless bodies on the blue futon.

The irony: Was that for the alcohol or love?

It makes no sense

Human's mind is interesting. Sometimes, out of the blue, without you even aware of it, you are bombarded by a lot of old memories.

I worked full time during the winter break. Basically, everyday after 3pm, the business goes slow and quiet. I would sit at the chair near the entrance, and looking at the sunset, catching the last glimpse of the weak sunlight. I didn't think about anything at all. Though, I could always see the different pictures, which were like pieces of puzzles with only images, telling the stories of my passing years.

I saw myself as a 7-year-old, standing in front of the rusty gate, refusing to follow my 11-year-old brother to the tutor's place for tuition class. It was about 7o'clock in the evening. My mother was pulling a long face, about to raise her fingers and pinched me at the chubby cheek. But, the brave little me had my little hand holding the aging gate, firm and tight. That was a picture I have in mind for weeks. I couldn't remember what I had said to my mom which saved me from a beating. However, this afternoon, suddenly, I heard a childlike conversation from my heart,

"Mommy, I have to go to tuition classes 6 days a week after school. Then I have to do my homework and learn spelling. I don't want tuition classes. I don't even have time to see you."

I guess the sentences matched the image. I remember my mom put her raising hand back, looked at me in a very complicated face before turning away.

Then, I have some pictures of me and Chloe in the college. We stayed in Section14, walking to classes everyday. We went to movies and lunches or dinner at the worst eatery in PJ. I was crying in the cinema, watching King Kong with her. I cried too hard and had to cover my mouth with my hand so that I would not interupt other audiences. She kindly passed me tissues. My previous classmates like: Ah Leng's's, Tasha, Chauyen's, Ah Choo's, Rachel's, Chen Chien's and Kenjo's photos were playing in my mind, too. They were like different little pictures that stroke my mind, reminding me about my youthful years in college.

There were pictures of my hamsters and guinea pigs, too. I was a breeder and had kept a lot of them as pets. Two of the furry ones were given by Protocol as gift for my birthday two or three years ago. I have the pictures of them running around, stealing food and biting my lips.

I don't really have any images popped out regarding my elementary or secondary or highschool. I don't know why. Maybe, I missed them completely or maybe there wasn't many pleasant pictures to be remembered of.

Everything that happened in Malaysia seem to be a kind of history, which were jotted down in the text book. When you pick it up for reading, you feel that they were amazing, but you are just unsure if they are true, or did actually really took place.

Looking back at my present life in US, I am wondering if it is real, too. Could it be an illusion in my mind only? Honestly, I don't know what is reality anymore. Nothing seem to be real at the moment.

If i did not took the Korean Air to US last year October, how is my life going to be like in Malaysia? working as a Journalist? Copy writer? Customer Service Officer? Homemaker? A mother of two? or what? Life is definitely not going to be the same.

The escapism from my hometown granted me the total freedom to make big decision on my own. I do not have to care about others' judgement anymore. So, I live like an unleased horse, running in the forest, enjoying the fresh air and cool breeze in this foregin land. I call it a period of 'floating'.Yeah, on the surface of the sea, not sure when am I going to be drown but at the same time, feeling lucky as I am still able to breathe and survive. Of course, there are consequences, I paid price for foolish actions. In order to learn, some people just have to pay.

I have to pinch myself so hard sometimes, to make me aware that the life that I am having right now is not a dream. I find it weird cause I could hardly feel happy or sad anymore. I am like imune to all kinds of emotions. I am just neutral all the time.That's why, I give out neutral answers and comments all the time.

I was in the airport sending Protocol home weeks ago. Ever since then, I could not help but start picturing myself in her position, having friends sending me off at the airport. The only difference is unlike her, I would never be back here anymore. In the picture, I was waving goodbye at my friends, no warm hugs, no emotions on face. I looked numb and waved lifelessly. When my eyes met the deep depressing eyes, my emotion did not change. Though, I heard loud smashing noise. Looking down, I saw my bloody pounding heart on ground, breaking into pieces.

I saw myself carrying luggages, jumping on a jet plane, flying to another foregin city again. I got myself a job, and rented an apartment, staying all by myself, without knowing a single soul in the alien city. Living like a hermit seems to be appealing, sometimes I do think that I need nobody. That will be more relaxing, without the ties of love and hate and responsibility.

I am sorry, this post makes absolutely no sense. I guess it portrays my feeling now, just weird.