闲想

近期手头上没有工作，我顿时从上学期的焦头烂额状况速降成现在的绝对无所事事。说实在的，我是真的很不习惯这么黑与白的极端。同样闲暇的同事们则不亦乐乎的投身于自己的兴趣﹑旅行与计划工作； 我却因为先前的失算而僵持在原状，持续地在这里徘徊，浪费生命。套一句老话：还真的是“人算不如天算”。

人只要一得闲，思绪就会跑得很远。就这么不经意的，脑海出现了前所未有的七级大地震﹑激烈的震荡翻起了远古时候的记忆。仿佛爬着无止尽的梯级，我想起了两岁时小小的我偷偷地踮起脚尖，望着在摇篮中熟睡的表妹。再往上踩多几层，我看到了在幼儿园上课，体弱多病的我，不断盯着在窗外等待我考试完毕领我去看医生的妈妈。记忆不断衍生，我好像回到了小学那个爱欺负同学的年代。接着是初中、高中﹑大学﹑流浪漂泊以及正式上班的日子。回忆一飘不过是几分钟的时间，真正的人生一晃却是二十五年。假若有幸活至七十岁，我已走过了多过三分之一的人生。这么一路走来，虽然还算有幸运星的庇护，但也绝不容易。经过了重重阻挠，我猛踩着数不尽的过错与无知，慢慢把自己扶上正轨。

那天无意间读到了一位我喜欢作者的文章， 她说道：

“如果听到陈年旧事在背后喊你的时候，也别真的回头看。这些无论是否开心事还是令你生气的事、不管是不是属于能令你懊恼的事还是能够让你笑的事，总之过去的就算了。如果真的回头望，看到了平静那还好；万一看到了自己之前的无知笨拙肤浅不成熟愚蠢丑陋黑暗自私无聊不堪的一面时，自己无法相信无法接受自己，可能还得即刻出钱出力，找个地洞钻找个医生整容或找张机票有那么远就躲到那么远去，别继续留在此地丢人现眼...”

我真的有所共鸣。

对于我来说，人生最困难的事不外乎是卸下责任，忘记不堪的从前原谅自己。

笨过也就算了，错的人与事就把它们抛在脑后，用未来烧了算。 剩下不到三分之二的生命不要再重犯旧误才好。

Two Films, One Theme

'Hito ga hito o ai suru koto no dôshiyô mo nasa'(Left) and 'Downloading Nancy' (Right), two different films produced at different years and different countries by different directors in different languages, instinct with a lot of similarities indeed.

The former was directed by Takashii Ishii, the Japanese master of erotic film whereas the first time swedish film director, Johan Renck completed the latter award-winning movie while 'successfully' created uproar during Sundance Film Festival last year. Both of the movies are controversial as they told the stories through the pictorial of twisted BDSM relationships, which is always a taboo subject in this conventional society.

'Hito go hito' shines as the astonishing female actress, Mai Kitajima who played the role of 'Nami Tsuchiya' in the movie radiating with her incredible charm and magical performing skill that are truly tantalizing. The plot revolves around the famous Japanese actress, Nami and her actor husband who abused her mentally besides filing for divorce after hooking up with another young and sexy actress. The movie highlighted Nami mental transformation and the way her marriage drove her emotion off to the edge of the cliff. Her soul was lost in searching of genuine affection, attention and love, which was actually an urge that was never fulfilled. Many viewers were commenting that there were excessive portrayal of fetishistic and S&M actions in the film that made it nothing more than a shallow and unrealistic pretentious pornography. To a certain extend, I agree with the statement but to those extreme haters out there, that's Takashii Ishii, what do you expect? That's his trademark! If you want him to minimize eroticism, that will be like asking Steven Spielberg to stop his consistent references to World War2 in his movies and eliminating his frequent usage of powerful flashlights in dark scene, it doesn't make sense!

Winning the 'Best Music' award at Stockholm Film Festival 2008, 'Downloading Nancy' was hated at the Sundance Film Festival same year even though it was nominated for the 'Grand Jury Prize'. According to the professional movie critic Michael Lerman,

"Audiences fled the theater mid-picture as Nancy and her new companion engaged in depressingly violent sexual activity, padded with an icky sensitivity that makes each viewer feel like they should go home and shower after just being present at the screening".

Maybe, that will be the common response from a regular movie-goer out there. Though, for me, I didn't really bear any negative feeling while watching the film. In the contrast, I found it to be rather interesting as it was based on a true story. The story was simple - Nancy (Maria Bello),a neglected housewife with the history of being sexually abused, indulged in a BDSM relationship with a stranger over the internet and hired him to terminate her unbearably suffering life.

In fact, most of the so-called 'disturbing' scenes were not shown out in the open at all, the director used the related object subliminally to trigger the viewers' wild imagination instead. Honestly, I didn't see enough character development in this movie, Bello was good but not excellent enough for her part in the movie. Throughout the entire film, she only projected herself as an unpresentable and emotionally unstable housewife who gained pleasure and relief from hurting herself. It was really hard for me to feel for her. Perhaps, I carried too much expectation after watching the performance of Mai Kitajima and reading the similar scheme.However, it was still worth-watching as I could imagine myself repeating doing the same thing if having a same heart that lose a quarter part like Nancy. Somehow, it awakes my tendency to discover humans' hidden ugly sides. There's no definite bounding line between good and bad, we should perceive things beyond surface values, which is actually the toughest thing for human nature.

You will need to put away your coloured lense to enjoy the beauty of the two movies, some people are saying that:

"Hito ga hito o ai suru koto no dôshiyô mo nasa' talks about the distorted tragic life of actresses and entertainers that we will never be able to fathom"

"Downloading Nancy reveals the vulnerability of a sexually abused victim and inner struggle of a mundane housewife"

For me, Nami and Nancy had just unveiled the misery of being a woman.

A little Hat Yai Getaway

It's been a while since I last took a break away from life. During the Raya holiday (19th-23rd September), I went on a family trip to the southern part of Thailand, Hat Yai, which is a popular tourism spot for Malaysians and Singaporeans. Most of my friends visited the place for more than once;though, it was my first time to travel in this neighbour country. Yeah, I know, it's a bit late but it's always better than never. Honestly. It was not a good time to travel because it was a holiday season, everywhere were packed and crowded with people so we missed the chance to get around as freely as possible. However, we are all full time workers so besides public holiday, there is no way for us to gather around and hit the road at the same time.

So, now I will let the pictures to tell the stories...

Thailand and Buddhism are inseparable. So, it is a must for us to have some offering, praying for the ease of the heart and family.

Pure white jade goddess GuanYing, the second tallest in the world!

Sight-seeing. The hectic traffic and crazy people.

Lucky enough to visit the new-opening 'Floating Market'!

Super yummy Thai food! Wished that there were less people blocking around!

The unique Pandan leave roses, mom and second uncle. See, we had good time eating!

Couldn't remember the name exactly. But they called it Tiffany transsexual show. Please don't tell me I looked more like a transgender in the picture.

Songka's renowned mermaid. The beach, the soldier, mom, cousin and me.

The rare glass bottle coke and the cherry flavour fisherman's friend candy,which cannot be found in Malaysia!

I won't really call Hat Yai as part of Thailand as there are around 30 percent of Chinese people living there, so the area is kind of 'chinese' as you can find all kinds of Chinese sign boards, and also the shops ans stores with Chinese names. The people there also speak all kinds of Chinese dialects. In many ways, I could see the similarity with Malaysia. The only regret I had would be not able to try out those authentic Thai cusine as my family wasn't adventurous enough, plus there weren't any authentic Thai restaurants at the tourism concentrations.

Nonetheless, I had fun. Even though I am 25 years old already but this is the first family trip that I had with my family members. It may not be the best trip but it was a wonderful getaway from my static life. Hopefully, there will be a next one coming.

心情

我知道很有可能我会被雷劈，但是我真的很恨我爸。

从小到大， 我就一直在幻想没有爸爸的日子会有多好。他一直以来就是一个毫无感激及廉耻心的人， 一直到现在还是一个大包袱；重来就没有为任何人做过什么却无赖的认定这个世界欠了他一切。

我妈是这世上最笨的人；她不懂得改变，不懂得为自己争取应得的基本幸福，像个白痴似的傻傻的从结婚那一天无条件奉献所有； 换来的却是无止境的索求及怨恨。

我真的觉得没有爸爸的世界会更美好。 他不值得被任何人尊敬﹑更不配被唤‘爸爸。

我的童年就因为他而灰暗暗；我对人性的失望也从他而起。

随着岁月的增长，我惊然发现他带给我的影响空前绝后的大，父母的确是造就孩子性格与思想的关键。

我恨我爸。如果你有一个好爸爸，我由衷的恭贺你，因为对于我来说这真的是遥不可及的事。 你必定是前世做尽了好事而修来的福，请珍惜。

Relief

Finally, I have done marking 200 copies of research proposals..

A student wrote the 20 pages proposal for once, the poor tutor have to read through the proposal line by line, correcting all of the errors and then repeated the same action for 199 times in the rest of the proposals.

I was rushing as I have a deadline to meet.

After five days of marking, continuously, I completed the task!

Even though, I felt like crying sometimes in the process of marking, but still, I stayed with it.

In the end...

The alleviation and sense of completion is fulfilling.

What A Relief!

Press Freedom

Here's our tutorial question for today. We are going to talk about media agenda setting theory. Let's read the article below:

Foreign hands in blockades

Foreigners caught on camera mingling with and instigating Penans at Long Nen and Long Bangan blockades

MIRI: It’s confirmed! Foreigners are behind many of the blockades set up by Penans in timber camps in the state.

It has long been suspected that many foreign environmentalists and socalled conservationists had been instigating and encouraging the natives to erect blockades and disrupt logging activities, though they had always denied their involvement.
But yesterday four foreigners, including two women, were seen among protesters manning blockades in Ulu Baram.

This contradicts claims by local non-governmental organisations (NGOs) that foreigners have never meddled in the internal affairs of the state.

The foreign nationals, believed to be an Australian, an Indian and two Dutch women, were seen at an access road at Long Bangan and Long Nen in Ulu Baram, orchestrating the protesters with signboards for pictures to be taken.

They were also seen mingling freely among the natives and giving out instructions.
The blockade at Long Nen erected about 6am was followed by another blockade about 2pm at Long Bangan, with the foreign nationals present at both places in an apparently coordinated arrangement and timing.

The wooden blockade structures were simple but the message was clear as the camps set up at the respective sites were manned by Penan men, women and children with the aim of disrupting logging and reforestation activities in the area.

Three major logging companies are operating in the area.

A logging camp manager yesterday lodged a report at the Long Lama police station about the activities of the four foreigners.

The report said they were seen together with the natives at the blockade sites. Marudi police chief DSP Jonathan Jalin, when contacted, said police were aware of a few foreigners at the blockade sites.

“They were also seen with the Penans in Long Lama and we are interested to find out who they are and what they are doing in the jungle with the Penans,” he said.

The protesters yesterday handed an unsigned written list of demands and notice to stop all lorries from passing through to a logging camp manager, to the foreigners and two journalists from The Borneo Post and See Hua Daily News who were at the scene. The group also handed out copies of a news clipping on about 3,000 Penans in Belaga facing starvation due to crop failure as claimed by Deputy Minister of Rural and Regional Development Datuk Joseph Entulu recently. ( article taken from Borneo Post )

Media are good at using framing technique to set the agenda. They never told us how to think, but what to think about by designing, editing and using the other angle of the message to tell the fantasy kind of story.

Who on earth is going to care about the minority and supressed group in the country?

Obviously, nobody.

Rareness

That's rare.

For some reasons, I have A LOT of students who are very hardworking. Their impetuous spirit, passion and enthusiasm in acquiring knowledge stroke me.

When I was being nice and offered to just cancel the coming classes since I have nothing else to share anymore. They still insisted that they want to have the last class with me next week. I emphasized for millions times that I won't have any 'tips' or 'insider information' about the final exam already, they still determined to attend my class next week. I am totally done with the revision and so far they haven't raise any question cause they won't begin their revision within these few days until the study week really kick off. Though, they still want me to hold the classes next week.

I really wonder why. I have absolutely nothing to teach anymore next week so I decided to give them a chance to get lazy or going back to their hometown earlier and if they have ANY questions during study week, they can e-mail me anytime and make appointment with me; though, they were very persistent in having the class, still.

What's wrong with them? I am really curious. Is it because they admire me too much so they couldn't bear to say goodbye to me? Am I really that charming? I apologise for my narcissism.

I really don't know what's wrong with kiddoes today anymore. I do not belong to their generation so I will never understand what's playing in their mind.

All I know is that - I still have a lot of classes to hold next week, the classes, which I have nothing left to teach. My original plan of taking a little break and start marking the piles of assignment gone.

However, I am thankful that I have students who are actually born with certain amount of initiative; that's the only element that keeps me going in teaching career.

生活

这是一个一直下雨的周末。雨水滴答滴答的响着，我觉得这种声音真的很悦耳。

近几个星期，我过得有些自闭，朋友们的邀约，我一律拒绝；静静的自己一个人抱着一叠叠的学生作业埋头苦改，更要为最后的几个星期做准备。大家一样是教书的，他们却可在周末大玩特玩， 我呢却永远有做不完的事情，薪金又是最低的。没办法，谁叫我不多读一点书。学历低的人永远都是要多做很多事情的。也好啦，就从中学习、提升自己，当做为未来的一种准备。不知不觉，我就这样慢慢被日常工作蹭得麻木了。

很多次，我都在愕然间觉得自己在快速的老去。虽然在学校里很多人都一致认为我是个学生； 尽管我在换上牛仔裤后去食堂买午餐时老板娘总是唤我‘girl girl’，我的心真的不断在迅速衰老。我像个老人般每天很早就起床， 在天很黑的时候开始嚼着面包、喝着咖啡。 随之就是梳洗打扮上班去。然后上课、工作、回家。每天都一样，静静实实的过着属于自己的日子。

很久才可以回一次家，这似乎并没有对我造成什么困扰。我平静的在这个小乡村过日子。向来无肉不欢的我倒也可以吃了几个月的净素，并乐在其中。 有时候想一下，我真的变了很多。似乎成长完毕，无欲无求、正式迈向老年。

回头看看踩过的旅程，突然觉得生命是一个大圈圈，很多时候我们奋力跑向终点，忽略了其实终点和起点都是相接的。人总需要经过一个大圈来理解这个道理。

鱼与熊掌不能兼得。很老的一句话却带出了最实在的道理。要得到这，必定得牺牲那。自然界的定义讲究公平。

人生真的还是简简单单的好。平凡是福。