Brokeback Mountain

(photo taken from: http://www.wjzone.com)

Oh, I guess it is pretty late for me to talk about the Oscar movie like ‘Brokeback Mountain’. (Chloe and Tasha had their film reviews weeks ago and yet I am only ‘going’ to talk about it right now. :P)

Nope, it’s ok, as I am not here to make comments about the award-wining film. I love watching movies, especially when the contents are related to some controversial issues or the films are not covered with thick commercializing values. In this case, I love ‘Brokeback Mountain’. I love it from the bottom of my heart, not merely because of the hot characters in the picture or the debatable story line. The meaning captivates me, yes, the hidden agenda behind the film is a bravo message that touches my heart, even at the moment I am typing this post…

In one of the interviews from presses, Ang Lee noted that, "I am not making a homosexual movie. It is actually a film with a meaning for everyone. Everyone has one ‘Brokeback Mountain’ deep inside his or her heart. But, none of us really dare to climb up the mountain, explore the scenery and new experiences…until someday, when we are thinking of discovering the untouched mountain, we might miss out something…" (I translated his words based on my memory, so forgive me if I interpret it wrongly in some senses, sorry ya!)

Like what I have told Tasha, I couldn’t smile for few days after watching the movie as the story lingers in my mind. In the movie, Jack blamed Ennis for not trying to build a new life with him so both of them were left with Brokeback Mountain, the only space that was truly belonged to them.

Isn’t it true? If Ennis accepted the offer of Jack earlier, Jack might not be beaten to death. However, some of you might argued that the same thing will happen even they have their stay together because the society at that period of time did not allow the existence of homosexual. Aha, you must be like Ennis for having a thought like this. Ennis refused to try as the scene of a gay being killed brutally haunted him. Ennis’s father was the blood-curdling killer, who didn’t have guilt when taking his two sons to see the mutated corpse. Due to the passed experiences or the similar cases that took place around us, we tend to have shadows and taking a simple route in search of solutions – ‘ESCAPE’ like a coward.

Without guts, we won’t be able to climb the mountain, as we are worrying if we will fall, we will get hurt and whether we will die. Many people have no balls to fight for one self, taking the easy way to remain at the current statues quo, which seems to be the safest and tolerable within a conventional social context. Since the result is unpredictable and filled with uncertainties, Ennis could have doubled up his stake, staying with Jack like couples, true couples, under a ‘real’ roof that are meant for them. Even if they were still going to die, at least, well, at least they would have the memories, of leading the life like normal passionate lovers openly. Maybe it would be a better ending than smelling at the deceased’s shirt and shedding down tears hopelessly.

My friend, Lampfly cannot accept the story. For an extremist like her, homosexual is something sinful and disgusting. She claimed to be disturbed by the love story of two guys in Brokeback Mountain. :p hahha, it’s ok, some people just couldn’t take spicy food. That’s fine.

Chloe and Tasha love the movie, as much as I do (?? Maybe!! :P), I suppose. I loved the story very much and I was wondering if I am having a Brokeback Mountain in my heart, like what I asked Chloe after watching the film,

“Maybe I have one Brokeback Mountain in my heart, like Jack and Ennis, so I could feel a certain connection that touched my heart completely…”

She startled and then laughed like crazy. Obviously, no answer from her…

Haha, no worries, my friends, I am definitely not a lesbian. I love ogling at hot guys more than anything else. :p hehe… I am perfectly normal. Nevertheless, I guess I have something in my heart, which makes me inclusively into the story of the two cowboys…

Jack told Ennis at their last meeting in the mountain, "you know what? Sometimes I miss you so much and I cannot stand on it…”

That’s a famous quote in the movie. I guess I know his feeling when the words uttered from his mouth. His affection and emotion displayed are nothing more than helplessness and despair. He was trying to float on the sea, but he failed and drowned…

I understand his sentiment; completely… it’s like catching vapor with your palms. You knew it and you could feel it but others don’t and they wouldn’t agree or believe that you have caught something. Finally, you started to doubt yourself, due to their judgments and suspicions…

Brokeback Mountain- It speaks to my heart…

Lost

How is it feels like when you are losing something? I had that kind of experience before. When I was just a kid, I lost my favourite white teddy bear. I misplaced it somewhere when I last played it with my cousins.

At the moment I couldn't get it and held her in my arms, I was anxious, nervous and in turmoil. I ransacked the entire areas within my home; pestering my mum by asking her where was my bear, over and over again, until she yelled at me loudly and threatening to spank me. To me, the bear was my precious baby, when I lost it, I felt like my entire heart became empty. I couldn't cry, I lost myself in my own mind. Deep inside my heart, I could hear my myself crying badly for my little baby. I was in agony and went silent for days. Anyway, I looked calm, just found it hard to have an ease of mind in whatever I was doing.

Finally, weeks after weeks, I covered the sadness in my heart as there was nothing I could do. I had my smiles back. However, I stopped touching my other toys since then, refusing to talk or discuss anything regarding the teddy bears with my small friends or cousins.

One particular day, when my mother was cleaning up her room, she found my bear. He lied under the closet, quietly, displaying no emotion when I got him in my warm embrace. At the moment I touched him in my finger toes, I burst into tears. I cried and cried and cried, until my mum had to coax me with candies.

Sometimes, when you are totally hopeless about something, couldn't even see a glimmer of light, which means that your heart is having its dead end. Nonetheless, rememeber that some miracle might happen. When you are having that kind of surprise out of the blue, I guarantee you, you will be filling with emotions, You couldn't speak properly and your heart would split into two, rising into the sky with their invisible wings.

Your worries all gone in once. Relieving, you would feel like you are getting lighter, as the big stone that was pressing your psyche is wearing off.

Yes, the tears would drop as there isn't any distressful emotion, which you intend to hide.

You are emotionally and spiritually revived or regenerated.

Great, isn't it?!

Aging!

One sunny day, Chloe and I had lunch at the worst eatery in Section 14. The weather was burning hot; the sun was radiating warmth, which killed majority of the humans at the hawker center, mentally, I mean. :p The evil sun light forbade others to stand still and I couldn’t help but imagined myself soaking in a big pool of ice cubes…

After ordering her fried ‘Kuey Tiaw’, silently, Chloe sat in front of me. None of us had the ‘spirit’ in chatting. We were badly ‘burnt’ by the miserably hot weather. We were thinking of scrambling for the food with our big mouths and then shoot off.

Suddenly, Chloe stared at her right side firmly. At first, I ignored it; I thought she was ogling at a group of hot guys. However, after one minute, she was still looking fixedly at the same direction. Naturally, I found it weird and moved my eyesight to her right.

Nope, there weren’t any striking man with well-build muscles. “Could it be several sexy chicks who dressed to kill?” (This thought definitely plays in your mind right now because both beautiful and sexually attractive males and females would attract attentions! :*P) But, hell, no! It was a group of middle-aged working ladies who had their bites during the lunch hours at that messy eatery.

Scratching my head, I asked, “ Hey, what are you looking at? What’s so special about them?”

Chloe, "Chia, I am scared. Within ten years times, we are going to look like them. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to wear thick make-up to hide my wrinkles, neither do I going to wear those flowery long skirts nor carrying ‘auntie-like’ handbag! What to do, what to do?” Chloe stated, with her vacant eyes, searching for some consolations from my pale face…

Having another glance at those ladies, I was panicked. I imagined myself dressing up like them, wearing thick make-up, which turned my face into that type of zombie’s complexion, but still, there are cracks all over the corner of my eyes, lips and forehead due to the spreading of unfixable wrinkles … Hell, I don’t want that to happen to me, I will never dress up like an auntie, NEVER EVER! Sadly, the truth is even if we wear like a teenager, we are still getting older. This is a fact, we are getting older, day after day, years after years…

Remember the time when you were only 15 or 16? Who cares about aging? We had plenty of youthful years for us to waste, we were so naïve and proud of our age and felt like we could grab everything with our smooth and soft palms…but, now, I am 21 years old and I start to worry about Newton’s theory of gravity, so much, until the grudges toward apples getting deeper and deeper. Aren’t you afraid of it? My friend Protocol does.

Two years ago, once, Protocol gave me a ride to school. She was listening to mix.fm in that ideal morning. The song being played at that time was Avil Lavigne’s-‘Complicated’.

Protocol asked, “ Eh, what song is that har? It sounds nice, who is the singer?”

I replied, “ Avil Lavigne. She is the hottest female rock star at this moment in America. She is only 16, even younger than us!”

Out of the blue, Protocol turned completely insane. With her hands holding the steering, her eyes opened wide, glancing me with her stark bewildered gaze, which is filled with bloody red veins and helplessness. She yelled her entire heart out into the air.

“Chia, what are we supposed to do? Once upon a time, everyone was older than us, now what I have been hearing is that this girl and that girl is younger than us, HOW, HOW! HOW!”

I was frightened. I was worried that if she was going to pull out the entire steering as she was grabbing it with her whole inner strength. My life was in her hands. Luckily, she was comforted by my sweet and white lies.

“Nope, you are still young and pretty. Be obedient har! Nothing actually, this Lavigne girl is younger than us, but it’s all about the age. You know lah, those Caucasians all look much older than their real ages. We are still younger. No worries. Now, be good girl, drive gingerly ya…”

Finally, I was able to coax her and calmed her down with my angelic sweet words and smiles. That incident took place two years ago, when we were only 19 but aging had been our greatest enemy since then… in fact, I have constructed a picture in my mind of what I am going to look like in the coming ten, twenty or even thirty years. I would like to share it with you all:

What is your feeling after looking at the above pictures? The first is my own picture, which I took months ago whereas the rest I collected them from members.cruzio.com, http://www.mgwis.com/, and http://www.sorrellmcintyre.com/. Those aging pictures might not really resemble my outlook but these are the samples of my steps in aging. Scary, isn’t it? Yes, before constructing the photos, I thought I will go berserk after getting the entire image but I didn’t, fortunately.

I admitted that I was down after putting myself into that big picture of aging process. None of the humans in this world will be willing to have ugly old face, loose and dry skins, wrinkles, white and thin hair, damaged body figure and weak cognitive abilities. Nonetheless, who could stop themselves from that? We can never escape from the curse of losing our youth, so, let’s face it naturally.

Let’s make it this way, without the aging process, we wouldn’t gain experiences and wouldn’t have a wide and varied world views and we will never realize the joy of young age… hahah…sort of like comforting one self, I guess this is the only way to ease my pain. :p Hey, you! Don’t laugh at me. Are you getting more and more reluctant in admitting that you are turning one year older before the exact day of your birthday? Even if it is 11.59 pm, you would still regard yourself not getting any year older. At last, the clock’s ticks bring you to another brand new day; you fall into another age range. Finally, you are frustrated, grieving and shrieking curses to the heaven! :p I know you have been doing that, admit it lah!! :p

The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing in this world is to communicate with another mankind.

Don't you think so?

Here, I am not talking about those amiabilities or random conversations with those, whom we barely know. I am refering to those who are close to you, like your friends, your family members, your greatest pals... I used to hate people who are hypocritical, I detest the way they interact with others, I was sicked of their fake kindness and smiles...However, if you really consider it from another aspect, isn't it a better way to maintain a general type of relationship with others? Sometimes, keeping a distance is the panecea for every relationships problems...

When you really care about a particular person, you tend to take him or her words seriously, the problem here is that the particular mankind would dissapoint you in someway. This is not a kind of generalization. The chances are there, nobody can run away from it.

Meanwhile, if you really care about a person, deep inside your heart, his or her simple gestures, responses, attitude can mean a lot to you. That's owing to my own experience, maybe it is due to my sensitivity, but I really take things very seriously, only if the particular person I am interacting with is special to me. That's why, I could even get hurt through those non-verbal communication. Nonetheless, I will never show it! No worries for that. I won't do something that will spolit my image. :P

One of my pals once noted that,

"You always treat others nicely. Sometimes far beyond the way it should be. It is not really good because others would turn to rely on you for everything and they wouldn't cherish it! Ya, take things for granted! And, the utmost stupid thing is that you never expect anything from your friends when you are deep down in troubles..."

"In the contrast, you bear high-expectation for your own performances in almost every aspects! Come on, I know that you are truly a perfectionist and individualist, but not everything in life can be perfect... Don't care about others and don't take things too seriously. Sometimes, you have to live up your life for yourself, rather than others..."

My dear pal, thanks for your advice. In the circle of relationship, be it within couple or friends, I have not much expectations...Even if it is a one-way street, I resigned my life to lot. By the way, I am not treating everyone equally good, I guess there is someone, who is really unique but I tend to screw up the relationship and keeping our hearts, further away, like falling apart in two different planets. I don't mean it...But, sometimes, I think this is due to the frames we set on each other. We tend to 'frame' each other in an intended way so once we accidentally step out from the lines, we bear grudges toward each others. There are too many times, we keep the problems in the dark, pretending that there isn't anything 'serious'. This leads to the growing of thorns, which prick my heart, sometimes...

My dear pal, things are easier to be said than done. My life doesn't belong to me. It is not mine. I owe my mother damn a lot of 'debts', which I could never ever return in my entire life... perhaps, I will be freed, after getting this degree. I would strive something for myself, pursue my very own dream...

Yeah.. as free as a bee or bird? Well, whatever!

No matter how, life is still going on. Let's cheers for tomorrow.

Valentine's Wishes...

Kisses

Kisses has been called—

The Balm of Love…
Two lips meet, you’re in heaven above
They’re Cupid’s Seal…
As lovers make a deal
The Feet of Parting…
A payment in full of loving
The Homage of The Lips…
For lovers who never weeps
Lover’s Chief Sign…
Between you and me
Love’s Language…
That leads to marriage
The Seal of Bliss…
Which we will always cherish…

(Written by: Unknown)

Yeah! Another poem from ‘Poetry Page’, my aunt didn’t jot down the author’s name so I couldn’t attribute the source. I am sure that he or she is a Malaysian. Hey, unknown, ‘lend’ me your verse for a while, ya. I want to dedicate it to my friends and those whom I barely know but still spare their time to have a look at my blog whenever they are free!

Guys and gals, Happy Valentine’s Day!

May you all have an astonishing merriment and gain tonnes of sweet kisses from your beloved ones! :p

EnJoY!!!

Two Timer

How Can I Tell Her
(Lobo)

She knows when I'm lonesome, she cries when I'm sad.
She's up in the good times, she's down in the bad.
And whenever I'm discouraged, she knows just what to do.
But girl, she doesn't know about you.

I can tell her troubles, she makes them all seem right.
I can make up excuses, not to hold her at night.
We can talk of tomorrow, I'll tell her things I want to do.
But girl, how can I tell her about you?

How can I tell her about you?Girl, please tell me what to do.
Everything seems right, whenever I'm with you.
So girl, won't you tell me, how to tell her about you.

How can I tell her I don't miss her, whenever I'm away?
How can I say it's you I think of, every single night and day?
And when is it easy, telling someone we're through?
Ah girl, help me tell her about you.

How can I tell her about you?Girl, please tell me what to do.
Everything seems right, whenever I'm with you.
So girl, won't you tell me, how to tell her about you...

At the very first time I listened to this song, I was touched, deeply touched...

I couldn't help but enchanted by the lyrics. Those simple words, conveying too much about the inner conflict a person would bear after falling in love with someone else besides him or her lover. Maybe I am the only one who would feel it this way but I really couldn't brace up myself to hate the guy in the lyrics. Lobo reveals the sorrow and agony of being a two timer...

This reminds me of my previous conversation with Chloe...It was just a random chat session but Chloe told me that actually we couldn't hold our fingers at the third party or the two timers whenever a particular realtionship goes wrong.

She noted that," Let's forget about those who love foolling around or enjoy changing their partners after knowing a more attractive one. We are now talking about a guy or a woman who truly commited in a serious realtionship with his or her lover. At the moments they love you, they really do. However, if the couples are not fated to be together, definitely they would meet soemone else. There's is no right and wrong in love... If the emotion of love is gone, that's the end of a relationship... It is really unwise to point our fingers at the other party. As a matter of fact, he or she is actually the one who suffers the most due to gulit and regrets..."

Frankly speaking, I was really surprised when I heard her sentences. It is actually something we got to ponder, isn't it? The statement above may not sound convincing to certain people who are not that open-minded enough, but you can never deny certain facts and truths hidden inside. Just try to consider it from a wider perspective...

You will gain something from Lobo's 'How can I tell her'... espcially when you listen to it... The sweetness of the voice and the 'grief' of the melody certainly would touch your nerve, with the condition that you are not an extremist in love...

cheers.

:*>

The Poem

I’m thinking…

I’m thinking of you right now…
Wondering when and why and how.
The wind will bring the rain
The sun will harvest the rice grain
And fate will bring us back again.

I’m thinking of you as one person
Who makes my heart so painful
My life so lonesome…
By solely passing words of love, joy and hope
But never meaning them
Thus bringing to my heart
Only hate, agony and despair…

I’m thinking of moments you touched my lips
Those moments…I cried myself to sleep.
Why must you be so out of hand?
I’m thinking and thinking…
Will this doubt of mine come to an end?
Will the hope of seeing you again
Lost forever like the innumerable sand?

(Writer: Florence Ng)

Obviously, I am not the writer of the above poem. Come on, I am not a very poetic person, even though I do enjoy reading some of them. :P By the way, don’t ask me who is that Florence girl (maybe not that appropriate to address her as a ‘girl’ right now: p). I don’t know her at all. In fact, the poem is one of my aunt’s collections when she was in her teenage years!

Yes, it is a kind of ‘historical’ verse as my aunt cut them from newspapers or magazines and pasted them in a thick book when she was in her 16 or 17. Yes, it all took place in 1970’s; while she was in her youthful golden age…The old book is decorated with beautiful pictures and a teenage girl’s naïve but romantic remarks… How times flies… she is approaching her 45 years old at the coming year. The pages in the book have turned into yellow colour papers; they are not excluded from the process of aging and growing, too. Though, when my aunt passed me her precious book which entitled ‘Poetry Page’ since she knew that I love verse-reading about eight years ago, I realised that she actually handed her priceless reminiscences to me. Perhaps, I was a teenager, seeing me growing reminding her of her young and insouciance moments…

I am sure that everyone has gone through an enormous transformation both mentally and physically during their teenage years. Many people regard adolescence as a difficult painful phase. This can be proven through the movie I watched two days ago, ‘Mean Creek’ ( it’s an independent movie, I guess that very few people on this earth would spare their time and money to watch this category of film :*# ) The story centred at six teenagers who are rebellion, and in anger due to their uncertainties at that moment in life. As for me, adolescence is kinda interesting even though I appeared as a misanthrope mankind. The craziest idea I had when I was 14 was to shave my hair entirely! I don’t know why but I just wanted to do it so my best pal and I went to a barber, making the decision to shave our hair together. Sadly, my friend suddenly pulled back her promise in the process of waiting for our turns. I was angry but I realised that I couldn’t be the only bald head in my school so I backed off, too. At last, we cut our hair short, leaving only two to three inches of them on our scalps. We got to gel and style them everyday, making sure that every single hair stood up ‘neatly’ and ‘coolly’ on our head! :P

In fact, the poem above focuses at the turmoil of being betrayed or dumped by a lover. It is not really unique but I really feel that it suits the thinking and feeling of a teenager. Which girl doesn’t dream in their teens? All of us were longing for a prince charming and indulging in the illusion of being loved and being abandoned at the same time, every minute, every hour and everyday. That’s why; poem like ‘I’m Thinking’ could touch our hearts easily. It was extremely appealing to a sensitive emotion and fragile heart of a teenage girl. The story of ‘Romeo and Juliet’, ‘Cinderella’ and other idiotic ever after stories could ‘kill’ us easily, when we were so young and innocent. That’s the reason for Chloe to had a serious crush on Leonardo Dicaprio after watching ‘Titanic’ in year 1998. :*$ frankly speaking, I was even worse. I carried ‘torches’ upon all sorts of boy bands like: ‘BSB’, ‘Human Nature’, ‘Boyzone’, ‘Take That’, ‘N’sync’, ‘Five’, ‘Handson’, ‘O’ Town’, ‘911’, ‘MLTR’, ‘Moffats’ and many more. The list would go on and on because I would ‘fall in love’ very easily after watching somebody appear as my ‘dream guy’ on screen. (Hey, don’t laugh at me; I know you had that type of stupid action before, too! Yeah!) I would even shed down tears after listening to some songs, which seemed to be too ‘touching’ and ‘true’ to me.( I guess I was totally and completely hopeless! :P)

After all, whenever you recapture the passing years; you would be surprised at how much you have grown. Some sorts of dreams must be buried in your memory as they only belong to the particular period of time. Keep them at a secret corner of your mind, and unlock them once in blue moon. The remembrances would come sudden and swirled, each coloured with its own season…that will be a time, for you to look back your golden years in your life and think of them from a distance as a whole…

That’s the reason for my aunt to keep those poems, which remains as an awesome key to youthful age. She gave me her dreams, I learned to dream, until I realised that a dream is a relic of my chimera, which you could only capture in a fog.

Chinese New Year = ?

Today is Sunday (29th January 2006), yes, it's the first day for Chinese New Year celebration... most of my friends were pretty excited about this festival...According to them, it's a day for the family members to gather together, having great time, eating wholesome dishes... doing stuff like that. I guess they are having close ties with the relatives, that's why they enjoy having the celebration, but kind of like getting more and more 'hateful' toward this festival.

I don't know why. But I couldn't feel it. The new year is not here. Pathetic, isn't it? Nothing special about Chinese New Year, nothing fun. Right now, just right behind me, a group of people are playing poker...yes, gambling...woo... Chinese people love to gamble. It has been a kind of culture for this ethic group since the twilight of the history. But, is that a good practice? I am wondering??!!

Besides, not many relatives gather at my grandpa's house today. Some of them are late, perhaps, or don't feel like coming due to their personal reasons? This maybe due to the discordances or doubts they carry toward each other. Those who are rich may not be that willing to mix with those who are poor, I suppose... some of them do not speak with one another...it's kinda embaressing to face someone whom you had grudges with, right? That's why, few of them are here...

In fact, as the time goes by, many things in our life is changing. Remeber when you were young? Well, whenever I recall back my childhood years, I could feel the extreme opposite sensation. I used to be a kid who was looking forward to the new year celebration... I wasn't looking for the red packet, clothing or what, just a sweet candy could cheer me up...the moments I shared with my cousins were truly amazing...but, they all remain as memories. All of us are growing, so do my cousins. All of us are either studying or working at different locations, there's seem like a big gap between us. Whenever I try to shorten the distance, I find it hard, really. *sigh* that's not only merely my problem.. I think times can change everything... including relationships. it's ok. Urbanization had caused 'evolution' in every aspects.

Anyway, the only thing I am happy with is the one week holiday. How good would that be if it is merely a holiday, without any festival or celebration. Maybe you will think that I am a freak... I guess I am, who on this earth would spend time online at the first day of the new year celebration...Yes, a lonely freak like me.. :P hahaha... it's ok... maybe my friends are going to visit me... maybe...I am not sure. Their visits might be able to make some difference.. :P hahah.. anyway, I didn't see any difference last year after their visits !! :<

*sigh*. I am bored. I hate Chinese New Year...

Chinese New Year = Boredom, stupid relatives and fake faces...

:*$

Freak and Weirdo

In fact, at first, I was thinking of writing something about my good friends or my family members. But, my experience with some people today drives me to produce this post, which is basically a descriptive piece about humans, but NOT ordinary human beings. One relevant thing I would like to emphasize here is that, there are tonnes of WEIRDO or FREAKS around us if you all ever observe the surrounding gingerly.

Ok, the ball is with me right now so let me start with some weirdoes I have been meeting within my own social circle. Have you all ever notice that there are always a few people around you who love to act like they are very close with you? There seem like some unique ties existing between both of you as he or she would judge you in everything you do and label you as some sort of character with certain type of personalities. The weirdo would even tell others about your characteristics openly as if she can read you like a book. Though, the fact is- “she knew nothing about you and the “so-called” facts about you that made by this person are all produced by her own imagination hailed from her “juicy” mind. Yes, all bullshit…

Hey, Chloe, don’t get misunderstood. Neither do I talking about you nor referring to your post about ‘Darlene’. The post about ‘Darlene’ flattered me but at least 90% of the content is reliable and true. Hehe :8 You got most of facts right, through your years of living with me, ya? :p haha… I am writing about someone else. You would not deny that this type of person does exist in this world, right?

Let’s forget about the weirdo above cause I have more here. :p Did anyone of you hear about ‘stalking girl’ story? Not a girl who is stalked by stranger but a girl who likes to ‘stalk’ on others’ activity. She might not be close to you but the way she interacts with you always pressure you. Once you started to chat with her on certain issue or even just casual amiable chat, she would ask you every single little detail seriously and firmly, yes, just like the way a journalist interview a prominent who has just committed crimes. She would try her best to know everything about you, especially your academic performance, and then she will spread around to others as if doing so can grant her a CGPA of 4.0. What’s the point of doing so? Only God will know.

Other than that, there was one friend of mine who was really queer. She was quite a nice girl at the first time I approached her. She was kind enough to help me in many things while lending me ears for all my complaints and homesickness grudges. Later, after knowing her deeper, I realise that there was something very wrong about her. She was emotional and would suddenly give me cold shoulder. Besides, she had a lot of arguments with her roommate in hostel. The manager of hostel management depicted her as ‘Trouble Maker’ who used to lodge tonnes of complaints regarding her roommate and floor mates. She would yell from her windows if the residents downstairs making noise and would sit on the ground of train or LRT when the seats were not available. The utmost horrible thing was she pasted a lot of ‘horrible’ pictures cut from newspapers against her room’s wall. My other friends who had been to her room claimed that those pictures were ugly, however, to me there were not merely ‘ugly’ but scary. I had that kind of feeling when I accidentally spotted one picture of a yellow twisted face. That’s creepy. Since then, I stayed away from her. I guess she didn’t need me at all, too. Her world was too narrow and only able to fit herself in. I am sure that her personalities were developed due to her complex family background. Parents have immense influence upon the way children think and act, isn’t it?

Anyhow, a weirdo wouldn’t really harm you, but a freak does. I met one bloody psychotic taxi driver when I was having my internship with a local press last year. He was a middle-aged man from PJ. None of you can really imagine what happened inside the taxi. I was safe but the driver freaked me out by telling me all sort of nasty nonsense. He said I have the most charming smile which he ever seen in his entire life and he bore a special feeling toward me. He claimed that there weren’t any distance between us after spending the minutes with me inside the dreadful car. The worst thing was he said he was thinking of marrying me and it has a high possibility for me to be his wife because my relationship with my boyfriend is not stable…EWKKK yes, he said all kinds of rubbish that was spine-chilling. The only thing I had in my mind was ‘raped, killed and sliced’!! Luckily, I was safe…I won’t elaborate on that eerie experience but would like to quote his very last sentence before I got off his stupid taxi.

He said, “Miss, if there is ever a chance for me to meet you again in the future, I will never let you off…” :*#

A truly sickening freak, isn’t it? Freak can kill. Better be careful!!

As a matter of fact, majority of the freaks and weirdo can be found in cyberspace, it’s a hotspot for abnormal humans to gather together. Yes, I am speaking from my own experience. Many people who love chatting with strangers online are freaks who are completely running out of their minds. Er.. Actually, I shouldn’t say so; I am a great ‘chatter’ myself, or perhaps ‘addicted chatter’ as defined by Chloe. Nevertheless, I swear that I am not a psychotic, maybe a bit ‘out of track’, but I am perfectly normal, ok? haha..I don’t know why but I really find it an amazing experience to chat with people from all walks of life, from different part of the world… I have to admit that I met with some fantastic people who are really wonderful, whom I will never ever get to know in real life. Nonetheless, meanwhile, I had encounters with freaks, too.

There were some online users who would throw me weird question and weird statements like: “How would you fight in a competition of wrestling?” “We are enemies, so we should fight with each other in a war.” “I want to marry you, are you thinking of becoming my wife?” during the very first chatting session. :*$ hahaha.. Remarkable isn’t it? All sorts of stupid and unimaginable conversations, not many normal mankinds in this world, right?

I wouldn’t further evaluate on it as the list would go on and go…the conclusion I have to make here is- there is a huge amount of people, who would do all sorts of unexplainable thing that either scare you or irritate you. On the other hand, I realise that majority of the human beings have that type of ‘bizarre’ genes inside their body and I find myself queer too…Opppss..I shall not categorizing or claiming who and who are odd, right? I might be the greatest freak in each and every others’ mind!!?? :p

The Party, Organizer and Vodka

I had a party with my friends in ‘Sea Park’ last week. Basically, I was invited as a guest in the first place but things turned out to be ‘a bit’ different from the nature of a guest. It was an appealing and hilarious experience. Before sharing this anecdote with you all, I have to introduce my pal, who invited me to the party.

She named herself ‘Protocol’ few months ago. Scratching your head now? Ya, me too. According to the explanation of the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, ‘Protocol’ carries the meaning of ‘original draft of an agreement between States’ or ‘etiquette as practised on diplomatic occasion’. Don’t ask me why, I am still wondering the main reason for her to name herself this way. What on earth that drives a short girl like her to name herself Protocol? Is it because of the car she drives? Her tanned skin? Or her astonishing body figure? It’s okay. We can put her weird ‘English name’ aside first. :p Ok, Protocol organized a home party. She invited me to HER party as there were not many people involved and she and her housemates needed a person to help them in preparing.

After that, we shopped for the materials in Tesco, which situated in Damansara. All of a sudden, the conversation as below took place:

“Hey, chia, do you know the way to prepare ‘Mah La Guo’ (spicy flavoured steamboat that is famous in Taiwan) or not? None of us know the way of making the soup. We only have a bottle of spicy sauce that was brought from Taiwan. That’s not enough. We must add in something else to make the taste great. Do you know? Can you help?”

My reply was a bit uncertain as I was surprised that none of them know the way to make the soup but yet planning to make it as the core dish. I said, ‘I can ‘try’ to help as my mum is selling all type Malay’s and Indian’s cooking materials for the dishes like: ‘curry’, ‘rendang’, ‘masak kicap’, ‘masak merah’, ‘masak lemak’... but I am not sure if the taste will be great”.

They answered, “ Cincailah, better than nothing. You add in anything you want. It’s ok. We are sure that the taste won’t go too wrong.”

Immediately, I could feel the stress. :P haha. Meanwhile, Protocol was thinking of what to buy for drinks. Then, I suggested alcohol since they were going to have some poker games after eating. (Gambling always comes with Alcohol isn’t it? Though, I was just being cheeky). But, Protocol took it seriously and claimed it to be a great idea. Her only worry was that not all her housemates are able to take pure alcohol.

“Then we mix cocktail lah. What’s so hard about it?” Without any hesitation, I straight away replied her that way, as if I am a professional in cocktail-making. In fact, I only watched others mixed them, before but I myself had never tried before.

Being an alcohol lover and fantastic drinker, Protocol was really in high spirits to hear about it. She gave me the task of preparing the cocktail even after I confessed to her that I had never mixed them myself.

“Cincailah, you just add in whatever you like, I am sure the taste wouldn’t be too queer.” Again, she had her full confidence on me. :&

Next, the story continued in Protocol’s house. Once we reach there, we were busy preparing the vegetables, meats, prawns, eggs and the soup for steamboat. However, at that moment, Protocol told me that, “Chia, I am tired, can I rest for a while upstairs?”

Being a loving and considerate friend, definitely I would allow her to rest. Sadly, she awoke after three hours. Yes, when all the materials are cut, sliced and placed on plates and the living room was overwhelmed by the scent of chilli.

Within the three hours, Protocol’s housemate and I was busying doing all sorts of homemakers’ job in the kitchen. Some more, we did not have enough knives, plates, forks, bowls and stuff like that. Wow! We could feel the pain in our necks. Luckily, after smelling like an oily skunk due to the sweats and oil, I was able to boil the soup successfully with other materials. It was an experiment, but didn’t go wrong. :P after having a good sleep, Protocol approached me with her innocent eyes. She said she was remorseful for her mistake and would do the rest of the job- ‘Take the dishes out and place them on the table’. Hahaha. She looks cute when she is feeling guilty. :p

Lastly, it was the cocktail. Yeah! We bought a bottle Vodka from Tesco, which was 700ml and cost us RM24.99. It consisted of 37% alcohol. Based on the statement of Protocol, it was a brilliant choice because the price was cheap and the percentage of alcohol was high. Hahah.. Obviously, she is very ‘Asoh’.

As I opened the bottle cap, the fragrance occupied my five senses. I was enchanted. I added in almost all of the vodka with some cocktail fruits, mango and lemon juices, until Protocol stopped me. She said it wouldn’t be a wise idea to pour all the wine as the percentage of alcohol is high So, I was left with about 100 ml of Vodka. What should I do? Certainly have a taste of it since the scent was so irresistible. The problem was, after taking the first sip, I couldn’t stop it. Yes, I stored the rest of them in my stomach. :P

Later, when everyone was busying scrambling for the spicy steamboat, I was busying drinking the cocktail as the taste was too wonderful for me. I do not really like steamboat. Maybe things will be different if we are having wintry weather in Malaysia. Anyway, I never find it a great idea to eat hot-water-cooked vegetables or meats under that type of warm temperature. That’s why; my heart was captured by the icy cold cocktail.

The result I gained: Red face +Red eyes +Red skin= Red MoNsTeR. I wasn’t drunk but the skins all over my body was red in colour especially those covered parts as they are the fairest fractions. They are well-protected from sunlight but definitely not wine. :P Besides, I couldn’t sleep for the entire night. I felt myself animated. My body was hot. The alcohol excited my nerves. (Don’t think the other way round, ok?). Whenever I closed my eyes, I felt myself spinning and there were something caught between my throat and stomach. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. At last, I drank water, lots of water and forced myself to puke. :& after vomiting for three times, I felt better. Finally, I could have a nice sleep at 5am.

I would like to apologise to Chloe as I accidentally woke her up with my awful puking sound in the middle of the night. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. :p I learnt an important lesson- ‘never finished up the Vodka all by yourself and stay away from Protocol when she is thinking of ‘organizing’ a party’. :p hehehhe.. Amusing, isn’t it? I was supposed to be a guest, but then ended up carrying the task to take care of the major duty of the party and even demonstrated the way of preparing the soup and cocktail. Haha…in fact, I knew nothing about it. J The party was tiring, but it was fun. A first time experience of being an organizer, fortunately, I had a whale of time with those lovely friends, even though some of them were strangers to me.

What I would like to emphasize here is that, I wasn’t drunk, ok? I was conscious enough to write an e-mail to my friend when holding a glass of cocktail with my left hand. :*$ Can you see it? Mr. Stanhope? I WASN’T drunk. Moreover, the utmost relevant fact is --The party was a decent social gathering for decent people like us. It was a jamboree for friendship-building and relaxation, nothing wild or fishy. Please bear in your mind! :p

Hurray! A great party! Everyone was satisfied with the steamboat and cocktail. I received tonnes of compliments. One of the housemates even claimed that the guy who is going to marry me in the future will be the most fortunate man in this world! J

YaY! Thinking of a party? Maybe I can aid you in organizing! *wink. :p For vodka, cheers!!

WoW (3)

3. Carl

Here’s the greatest tutor when I was having my high school days! He taught me Bahasa Malaysia (Malay Language) and I had to attend his class in tuition centre 3 hours per week. Carl was the most well-known BM tutor at that period of time and he wouldn’t simply accept any students without knowing their ability in that language. He used to assure his student that all of us could score an A if we follow what he asked us to do.

Like what I have mentioned before, I love languages, including BM. I aimed to achieve an A1 in the coming SPM examination so I followed all his words and advises. I underwent a ‘devil’ type of training and worshipped him like a God because he was really the best tutor for me at that period of time. His knowledge and skill in essay writing was really marvellous! Finally, after all those hard work, I scored an A1 in BM. I was rejoicing. The first thing I did after taking my result was to call my tutors and thank them deeply. But, for Carl, I would like to thank him personally by showing him my result.

So, the next day, I went to the tuition centre to meet him. It was a hot day and I sweated a lot. My body was sticky but I was really happy thinking of showing my most respectable tutor my result. He was having a class in the tuition centre; I did not want to interrupt him so I waited outside the class for 45 minutes without air-con and fan under the hot temperature just to get him during the short class’s break.

Lastly, I got him with me for about 5 minutes. He remembered me and I proudly show him my result slip while telling him that I scored an A1 in BM.

“Sir, thank you very much. You help me to score an A1 in BM. I am really lucky to have you as my tutor. Thank you soooo much!”

He replied, “Nope, it’s all your hard work. I teach you and you are willing to strive hard for yourself. So how many A’s do you get in SPM? 8, 9 or 10?”

I was shocked. Awkwardly, I told him that I was only able to score 5 As and planning to apply and study in a private college. His response was somewhat irritating as he turned into a cold face after knowing that I was only a 5As achiever.

“Why applying private college? Why not local universities? You can try to apply UTM. UTM will accept 5As achievers, if not then study form six. It is always better to study in local universities!”

I said, “But I am interested in mass communication rather than anything else. I was a science student so I wouldn’t be able to change my major if I were to further my education in local universities.”

His last sentence and action were devastating. He said, “Oh I see.” After that, he just walked away, without even saying a goodbye or looking at me twice.

The story isn’t good because it ended with me walking alone on the street, with my mind that had his last few words replaying, over and over again. I was really too naïve to imagine that he will be overjoyed for a student who scored A1 in his subject and then went back to thank him personally.

After all, he granted me a chance to see through human nature. Ya, it was my fault; I wasn’t a 10 or 11 As scholars, what for thanking him? However, I am still grateful for having him as my tutor. Without him, I guess I won’t be able to get an A1 so easily. There is something that I have wanted to yell at him since years ago:

“Sir, I am not the best achiever, neither do I entering local university nor taking STPM. But, I am doing perfectly fine in my current private university and I will be getting a bachelor degree very soon, at the age of 21!” :P

WoW (2)

2. Betty

She had a great influence on me during my elementary level. Betty was my form teacher when I was in my standard 4, 5 and 6. I am not sure if I should say I like her but she is definitely an influential educator that enables me to grow.

I have a fancy for writing and languages since I was just a kid. Unfortunately, I was in the top class during my primary level. For your information, my primary school is the most prominent school in my little hometown. There have been representatives for all sorts of competitions outside the school and most of the students do well by gaining victory. Yes, I am trying to tell you all that I was one of those representatives, but seriously, nothing glamour.

As a matter of fact, I had been sent for all types of competition in writing, languages, calligraphy and even drawing. I have to admit that I did well most of the time by bringing back trophies but there were times I failed. Certainly, Betty wasn’t happy about it, she specially arranged other representatives and me in a group and asked some other teacher to teach us on Chinese literature, calligraphy and even essay writing during the schooling hours. So, obviously, we couldn’t have the same schedule as what others did that time. I was under a lot of stress because I had been chosen to represent quite a few competitions at the same time while having the obligation to maintain my academic performance. It was really hard. I used to do my homework and those extra exercises plus my tuition’s homework until 1 or 2 am. It was really unhealthy for a kid who was growing both mentally and physically. My mum was kinda worried. She accompanied me to do my stuff until I completed them all and even did some of them for me when I had to memorize Chinese literature while preparing final exams.

Frankly speaking, I lived in the hell! At last, I couldn’t take it anymore and broke down in front of my mum. She had tears in her eyes while telling me to quit participating in several competitions. What I did was I purposely screwed up my calligraphy class by writing them badly. Besides, I also stopped handing in my ‘extra’ exercises by giving the excuses that I couldn’t do them well and I wanted to quit some contests. As a result, Betty was furious. She scolded me badly and punished me with her cane until it scraped the skin of my palm (I am not exaggerating! It was quite common for teachers to slap or caned students harshly in my school that time).

Meanwhile, Betty also picked on my hand writing. She said I had a terrible handwriting and it could be a ‘disease’ that could spread. As such, for other students’ sake, she got to ‘quarantined’ me from others. Sound unbelievable? Better believe it. Betty changed the seats by transferring my best friend who sat beside me that time. I was traumatized over that incident. It was the first time for me to realise the sense of being boycotted. I was lonely and helpless. As a school kid who were vulnerable and innocent, it is turmoil! However, the only lucky thing was the quitting of those contests turned out to be a success and Betty didn’t really pick on me again after the seat-changing thing.

Some of you might think that she is really a prick! I do not find myself liking her as I still couldn’t understand what made her to act so ruthlessly toward an obedient and over-pressured kid? Anyway, I want to tell you all about her because she actually aided me to develop my talent which I wouldn’t aware without her guidance, but, ya, in a relentless way. :-)

WoW (1)

Wow! It has been ages since I last uploaded the only post in my blog. No choice, I am having my final year now so the schedule is tight. ;-P since I have promised my dear friend to upload something after completing my chapter 3&4 in thesis, definitely I have to realise it. At here, I am dedicating this post to my friend- Chloe.

There is nothing special about this post, I just wanna share some of my memories in my journey of pursuing education. Wait, let me count, I started to enter the ‘garden’ of school since I was six years old. Now I am 21, so… 21-6=15! Waw! I have been studying for 15 years. What a long period of hard time? Ya, the years gone by are tough, however, I am sure that each and every one of us gained a lot of constructive and functional knowledge, which allow us to achieve the so-called ‘dreams’! Anyway, I think that the most influential people throughout our learning life are teachers, tutors and lecturers. I have a lot of experiences with this group of people because I was that kind of very ‘Kiasu’ kid. I used to have numerous tuition classes to attend to when I was having my elementary and secondary education. My schedule was tight and my life was hectic as once I even attend three different tuition centres at one time to sharpen up my English! Haha, let’s don’t beat around the bush, OK! The stories of the great educators begin…

1. Alice

She was my form teacher when I was in the Agape Kindergarten. There was nothing special about her outward appearance. She looked homely and appeared as a typical housewife who was thoughtful and sympathetic. One day, Alice called the students out to elaborate on our academic performance. Unluckily, that day wasn’t my day. Before entering the morning class, I played with my little friends in the surrounded playground and I accidentally stepped on something that wasn’t supposed to. So, when I took my seat, my friends around me kept on saying that they smelt something terrible. I felt guilty but I acted like nothing had happened and followed the crowd to complaint. Later, when my name was called by Alice, I was nervous as I worried that she might find out the ‘source’ of the awful smell, so I decide to get rid of that piece of nasty material stacked under my shoes by grinding the shoe’s heel against the ground when she was asking me questions about my study and revision at home. (What a brilliant idea for a six-year-old kid??)

Suddenly, she said,” what’s that smell? Did u step on something?”

At once, the noise of my classmates rose, “oh! She is the one who stepped on Dog Shit! No wonder the smell is nasty!”

“Hahaha, Dog Shit! Dog Shit, she stepped on Dog Shit!!”

Even though I was only six but my ego was strong. This led me to nervousness and totally embarrassment. Sweats came rolling down from my forehead and I was shaking. Deep inside my young and fragile heart, I could hear myself yelling, “I don’t want! I don’t want people to laugh at me, Mama!!”

Later, Alice had a glance at my shoes and took me outside the classroom. She asked me to grind against the green grasses and sand to get rid of the dirty thing. After that, I dared not going back to my own seat, Alice then led me back to my seat and told the whole class to keep their mouth shut. Her face was red. It was the first and the only time I saw her getting so furious.

She yelled at the class, “There is nothing funny for those who stepped on animals’ excrement; there was no reason for you all to laugh!”

Finally, the whole class turned into complete silence and none of my classmates mentioned anything about dog or shit again.

Her stern face at that moment carved an everlasting mark in my heart. That was the first time; I had my little ego and self- esteem being protected by my very first teacher.

Men, destructive?

Have you heard about the cliche sentence- Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?
It is used to indicate the great difference between the two gender. Males and females are definitely different, both physically and mentally. Recently, I read a chinese novel, it stated that women love to have many beautiful clothes in their closets but only one beloved dream guy in life; In the contrast, men tend to have only one normal shirt in their room but numerous pretty girls outside to accompany them for different activities!

How true the statement is? I guess the answer is obvious. I have to agree with that. Maybe you think I am just stereotyping the group but I dare to yell my entire heart in to the air to tell everyone that," 98% of the males in this earth use the lower part of their body to think and judge while another 2% , who act like the loyal life partner, would betray their lovers, if they are given a fansy chance by a seducible female.. Yes, I don't trust men a bit..There are many reasons for me to doubt the existance of this type of creature:

• Whenever my male net friend seen my photo which was taken in the studio, they would turn into a disgusting fly, buzzing around me, keep on begging me to on my web cam.
• Many of them tend to ask me out, try whatever way to entice me out for a drink. Most of them are actually married men with kids.
• I have one friend, who is handsome with quite established career. I am not sure whether he is married or not ( I guess he is) but I am sure he has commited in a long term relationship, love to fool around. Send you very sweet SMS, give you sweet calls with sweet words. He has been doing the same thing to many girls, as long as you are not too ugly.
• My close friend's sister once commited into an eight years relationship with her first boyfriend. The guy got another girl within 5 months when he is studying oversea. She became mentally broke down. After healing, she met with another guy, had a child with him. Later only knew he was actually married with four kids.
• I have seen too many guys who is having a relationship, courting other pretty girls at the same time, waiting for the chance to change for a prettier girlfriend, I supposed.

At here, I think maybe I can conclude men as destroyers. They tend to damage women's lives. Or maybe, I think we, girls should push away the traditional emancipation, started to fool around, too! Sadly, people will address you with awful words like 'slut'! How hard it is to be a female nowadays as men are getting worse and worsen. Sometimes I think maybe being a homosexual is kind of better in some way... Gosh, dreadful men!!