Rain

The brutal winter is leaving. Now, we have started to embrace the lovely Spring. I used to love winter and was yearning for a chance to lay myself down in the snow while watching the white flakes falling from the sky. I experienced all those in New York for the passing weeks. Oh, man, that's enough, winter is nothing fun, right, Protocol? :p. The temperature is increasing and it has been raining a lot. Thta's the sign of Spring, I guess. :)

This morning, there was a March shower in Melville. It was pouring. When my kids were waiting for the school bus, I asked my host mom for an umbrella as I was thinking of sheltering the children to the bus. My host mum gave me a red umbrella but the kids chose to run to the bus within the twinkling of my eyes rather than letting a pathetic au pair sheltering them with a stupid umbrella. After sending them off to the school bus, I spotted the red umbrella, which was leaning against the door, lifelessly.

Something stroke my mind, out of the blue.

It was a rainy day in Malaysia. I was a fourteen, wilful, ignorant and self-centred teenage girl, who had to walk to school everyday. I hated carrying umbrella that time. For a disturbed crazy teenager, carrying an umbrella around in public wasn't a cool stuff. I would prefer walking in the rain, getting soaked and wet. So, it was raining heavily, I chose to walk in the rain. The same thing happened over and over again as we have too much rain in Malaysia. My parents were upset about it and I was scolded badly by my dad for thousands times. Though, I was nuts. So, that day I did it again. Due to some external reasons, the students were released from school 15 minutes earlier. I walked in the rain and cold wind and expected to be scolded when I reached home.

As I stepped into the house, my dad was furious. Surprisingly, I didn't see my mom. My dad yelled,

'You rather to get wet in the rain than carrying umbrella! Mommy knew you would do this again so she walked all the way to school to fecth you back with umbrella. It's raining so heavily right now and she's walking in the rain. But, you didn't see her on your way cause you were released earlier? Is this what you want?'

I was shocked. An immediate conscience-stricken caused me to become disorientated. I didn't know what to response besides looking at my dad's boiling eyes. At the moment, I saw my mom walking into the living room. She wore a big smile on her face when she saw me.

Patting away the rain drops on her shirt, skirt and umbrella, I realised that she was soaked. She put away the two huge umbrella and said,

'I was waiting for you at the front gate but your teacher told me that you guys were released earlier today. So, I have no choice but to walk all the way back by myself. See, you didn't use your umbrella again. You will fall sick easily, come on, I will dry you up... After that, we eat dinner together, ok?'

She was still smiling and her eyes looked like the yellow cresent in the sky, radiating with gentle warm light.

Lovingly, she dried me up with a towel, as if I was her utmost precious property. Then, she led me to the kitchen, left my angry father behind.

It was an inccident occurred long time ago. The experience I had with my kids this morning reminded me about that. I was stunned after recalling back the whole event and was so filled with emotion until my voice broke. I couldn't speak.

I have been away from home for 5 months. Even when I was overcoming the toughest period and challenges in California, I didn't really miss my mom that much. I didn't even shed down a tear for missing home. I thought that I was independent enough to leave the lovely home and spread my wings alone, anywhere. Nope. I am not. I may have the strength and guts to spread my wings, however, without the support and love from my beloved mother, I won't be able to do that. She's at the top of my heart... every minute, every hour and every day.

My affection and emotion poured. I felt the sudden need to see my mom but I couldn't. I called her, pretending that nothing had happenend. After spending all of the minutes chatting with her, I rang Protocol. I felt miserable and told her my feeling. At last, I broke down and cried. My tears were like river, flowing endlessly.

The conversation between us did help. I felt much better afterward. But still, somewhere in my heart, I was like a litte girl, crying for mommy after getting lost in a shopping mall. That wasn't a good feeling...

I miss you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.

I have your smile in my mind right now...your beautiful face deceptively diffused dedication and vulnerability, which belied your strength of character and independence. Without you, I won't be here.

Love you. For you, I will be a better individual, day after day.