疯了

最近疯了。

每天对着一群群明明年龄和我相差不远，思想却有着十万八千里之差的稚气孩童，我真的觉得我在这一个月里老了三十岁。

日复一日的以长者身份谆谆善诱，分享知识与人生经验，犹如一个花甲老人对着围绕在大树下的孩儿述说故事。搞什么呀？就在不久的之前，我不是还在舞厅猛喝烈酒，疯狂乱舞吗？怎么现在回想起来好像是一个世纪以前的事了？

我真的好老。左邻右舍不是资深讲师就是博士狂人，天天一起吃饭哈拉所谈的不外是学生表现和深造，没法子再和任何人一起畅谈什么明星，服装和人生小秘密了。我真的需要一点除了学术上以外的消遣。

四周住满了莘莘学子，出去丢个垃圾也得换衣，深怕被某某某撞见，到学校大做文章；一些稍为年长却尚无对像的绿眼妖怪也会对我的打扮评头论足，尽搞些幼稚的小动作。真的很令我作呕。哎！女人何苦为难女人？尤其是那些老女人特别奇怪。哦！我也是老女人一个吗？可能噢，但至少，我不是变态野蛮的老剩女。

不过，说真的，干这一行的，还真的有很多单身贵族。是因为人生的大半辈子都花在很多的文凭与论文的关系上吗？还是因为学历高而自命清高，眼睛长在头上？依我看，应该是只会读书而不会和人沟通吧？

我不知道，最近生活真的有些极端。

不过，我还蛮喜欢目前的生活，只是希望可以在下班后跳出 '老师' 的圈圈。

相信我，我真的不是一个只会说教的老人，我曾经也是活得很精彩的！T_T

Home?

So, I have been home for almost 6 months. I was overjoy at first because seriously, I missed my family and also my homeland a lot. I know it might not be the best country in this whole universe, but since I grew up here, I thought this is a land where I can call 'Home'.

When I was away, I missed my hometown miserably- I missed the food, I missed the people, I missed the language, I missed the sense of belongingness.

After struggling for a while, I am able to get a proper job. Even though I am really far away from my family right now but still, I am doing something that I enjoy doing and earning decent money. There is nothing much to complain about.

However, after completely returning to my original identity, I am really not happy. I am not sure if this is somewhere I belong to anymore.

Recently, I am really disgusted by the chaotic situation here.

So, there were this group of youngsters who behaved like those uncivilized jungle men from Amazon river, yelling at one respectable leader who was on wheelchair, surrounded him and put him into totally helpless situation, used bad languages on him and then pulling people who were trying to help this leader to get into his way.

For some reasons, the BUNCH of guards or securities people were too WEAK to stop anything, allowing a man with dignity to get humiliated.

Then, some extremely 'brilliant' elder leaders stood up and defend the younger group, saying that they did nothing wrong and will never apologise even though their action were caught on video, uploaded online and viewed by millions worldwide.

Some extrememly barbaric behaviours like 'threatening' through certain object were being repeated for times.

A female leader's naked photos were exposed to the public by her previous boyfriend from a different race. The boyfriend haven't got caught yet and actually to be honest, he will NEVER get caught. Some clever people pointed their fingers at the victim, urging her to resign.

One reputable local newspaper decided to highlight the naked photo issue at the front page, thinking that it was a 'scoop' that was going to rule.

There were people who keep playing racial cards, and then keep accusing innocent decent folks creating chaos among races.

A man who was accused of stealing car were suspected to be abused to death when being detained.

There was violence involved at certain demonstrations, but nothing being covered by mainstream media.

There were loads of raping, killing, robbing cases, nobody really care to take any action. Victims were condemned for being not careful.

Those who shouldn't be jailed were jailed, whereas those who ought to be locked were eating lobsters in fancy restaurants.

People who should lead are fighting over power among themselves, forgetting about why they were being selected in the first place.

It is really easy to 'buy' a particular person. She will imitate a frog, jumping here and there after being paid a certain amount of money.

A local talent who was admired world wide were criticized and attacked for thousands times after being forced to apologise for creating a certain song.

Millions of talents are working for foreign countries that appreciate them because we don't care about the ability of employees here.

I used to be proud for who I am, as I thought we were a unique nation in certain ways.

Nonetheless, I won't 'day-dream' anymore. It's been 52 years, not 2 years. Nothing has been improved and nothing is going to. So far, from what I have seen, we are walking backward, heading back to the cannibalism era.

We are eating each other raw, shredding each other piece by piece.

Completely hopeless.

Let's move away...

the most beautiful watermelon in this whole universe

Wonder

In order to prepare my first research method class for tomorrow, I flipped through my previous lecturer notes 5 years ago. Fortunately, I decided to keep some of the related notes of certain subjects which I thought to be precious, else I won't be able to use them as reference right now.

So, reading through my notes, I was like on a time machine, travelling back to the old days in lecture halls. I still remember,the lecturer of the subject. She was a very special religion freak who had done her study overseas for a very long period of time. Anyways, I did not have a good time during the classes she conducted because I never like math related subjects in my entire life, whereas research method is basically about using formulas to analyze data gained from different kind of researches.

However, luckily, the mathematics and formula involved in the subjects were not too complicated. I did not do well at the mid term test but was able to catch up later and then excelled at final exam. Actually, I owe a big 'Thank You' to my pal, Lampfly who was willing to guide me when I approached her for the problems. She left her handwriting in my notebook, correcting my mistakes while reminding me to not repeat them.

Besides, I found a copy of her mid-term test paper from my folder. She was kind enough to allow me making a copy of her 'intellectual property' as a reference to the relevant answers.

Looking at her tidy handwriting, I felt a sense of familiarity.

How time flies. Not too long ago, I was the one who sat in the hall, busy copying notes and listening to the professor. Now, it's my turn to teach the college kids in research method? Seriously, I couldn't believe it myself.

I miss my old friend. Sincerely, I wish that everything goes well with her.

As for me, I wonder if I am able to take the job. Sheesh.

Raise A Chicken from Egg

I was doing some random browsing online and then out of the blue I came across the picture at the left from http://www.lonelism.blogspot.com/. The picture was kind of cute and the 'caption' wan my chuckles so I would like to have it appear in my blog; as a memory, record or something.

That was good because I feel incredibly weak right now. At least, the little funny man under gloomy cloud has eased my heart in some way.

I know that I will feel better by tomorrow but at the moment, somewhere in my heart just does not feel right, I need somebody to be here with me right now.

Perhaps, this is another symptom of anxiety for moving again. Normally, I would hide it, only those who are really close to my heart will be aware of that. Seriously, I am thankful for whatever I have right now; I am blessed with a lot of exciting stuff in life. However, I am definitely stressed out by various 'enormous' transformations in life within this two years. I kept flying, moving, changing, adapting in completely foreign atmosphere. The cycle went on and on for A LOT of times; they are 'numerous' and 'frequent' enough to drive somebody to a nerve-wrecking point. Needless to say, I have been always pretty much on my own.

I have guts, I am independent and I am tough in someways. Though, I really hate the feeling of dealing all the problems by myself ALL THE TIME. I remember there was this evening, I went berserk sobbing, yelling and crying to somebody, questioning about his position and the basic dedication he was supposed to contribute. That was a scary one. I never yelled and cried and cursed so much in my entire life before. Plus, I was driving when doing that, so almost met into car crash and died on the road at some random unknown rural area.

Yeah, it can be spooky when I go crazy. But, it won't happen so much in life.

I think I am just tired sometimes. Believe it or not, I just want my life to be simple. The real happiness can only be found through simplicity.

I am still helpless. Though, I feel like I can deal with tomorrow better now.

Good night.

白日梦

近日生活稍微悠闲的我抽空看了一片买了许久的电影光碟——《手札情緣》 英文又名‘The Notebook ’ 。 开始时我只想要打发一个无聊的午后， 对这部片子压根没抱任何寄望。我以为这只是另一出高唱“天长地久，海枯石烂”的普通无聊爱情悲剧。 当初之所以会花钱买下也只是因为它被归类于‘清盘销售’的角落, 价格不可置信的便宜。
十五岁之前，我相信永恒，信奉爱情，崇尚浪漫不切实际的电影情节。在疑惑的青春期过后，我开始知道戏剧和现实的差别，逐渐对那种天真得一蹋糊涂的爱情片近而远之。抱持着这种先入为主心态的我却在电影开始的第一秒钟被深深吸引。

这是一部改编自著名浪漫作家-尼可拉斯．史派克的同名之作。《手札情緣》 的故事其实并不突出，中心围绕着穷小子爱上富豪千金被禁止的恋爱；在无奈被逼分离之下又怎么排除万难与七年后破镜重圆。尽管剧中主角的缠绵镜头拍得如梦如幻，惊天地并泣鬼神，那样的剧情还真的是千篇一律叻！但是，它的越人之处就在于开场时那位不断重复朗读相同的爱情故事给失忆老妇聆听的年老男主角。

身患失智症的妇人忘了自己亲爱的子女和一同破除万难才得以在一起的丈夫，医生断定她绝对没办法复原。痴情的丈夫却绝不放弃，坚持搬迁至相同的疗养院，每天读着他们的爱情故事给妻子听。他所期待的是在朗读一百次相同的小说给爱妻听之后，偶尔她会有清醒的两至三分钟来认回丈夫。之后的第四分钟就会把至爱推开，视同陌路，精神崩溃。

深爱妻子的老人最不能忍受的就是在一分钟温暖的拥抱后就被大力推开， 终于在那么一天，他心碎了，看着医务人员安抚着歇斯底里的爱人，他扶坐于床沿，放身大哭。那一刻的绝望真的是刻骨铭心。

随后，老人独自的翻阅那本他每天朗读的笔记簿，原来他的爱妻在得知自己患上病后就尽快持笔记录下与丈夫的爱情故事，吩咐他在自己忘掉一切后要每天朗读给她听。在本子的第一页，她写下了如此一席话：

“只要你读给我听，我就会回到你身边。”

读到这里，你可能会很不屑的发出一声冷笑，说道：“还不是那种浪漫爱情戏？还花了半天说你不喜欢叻！不要假假啦！”

我是真的觉得在某些方面这出戏真的有些特出，也或许是纯粹被感动吧。我还是要申明， 我真的很讨厌那种现代娇情虚假的电影！

在《手札情緣》结束后，我的脑海浮现了另一出我自认为凄美的爱情电视剧-- 《解连环》 这是一出很久以前新视所开拍的短篇电视连续剧。

其中演员并不特别好，演技也属一般。但是，我在几个月前又旧剧重看还是非常喜爱。我想我应该是迷恋于那种前世今生的虚幻情节吧! 剧中男女主角投胎转世三生，各在不同阶段化成拥有不同际遇的不同人物，却誓要和同一个人相爱到底。 然而，他们的命运如何自有天安排，结果怎么样？就是那老套的一句：“天意呀！”

也许不论在如何理智、成熟的女性心底总是有一些天真烂漫的幻想。尽管自己在怎么鄙视商业化的虚假爱情电影的当儿，总会有那么几出是能够触动你的心悬﹑赚你几把眼泪的。

女人，你真是一个梦想家。

Newcomer

Sometimes, you just couldn't help but wonder about the magical impact of some random 'newcomer' in a family.
Thanks baby, you have changed ours life, you never know how grateful I felt towards you...

Love you. MUAKS.

Angel Hair Pasta

Anybody who knows me well enough will be aware of my inherent love for noodles. They could never understand why but they were amazed at my crave for all kinds of noodles. Yes, seriously I mean all kinds, be it Oriental, Western, Stir-fry, pan-fry, soup-based,instant, thin, thick, made of flour, wheat, corn or whatever. As long as it is noodles, I love them all.

I always want to have a big bowl of fish ball noodle soup after eating a lot of other food and stomach feeling really filled up. Nobody will be able to spot the reason behind, neither do I. I guess it is just because I love noodles and I always have big appetite, as simple as that.

So, today is the sixth day of Chinese New Year, I made myself my all-time-favourite ever since two years ago- Parmesan Cheese Angel Hair Pasta. This kind of pasta can be expensive if you have it at the restaurant. So, being as cheap as I usually do, I bought the instant version one and cooked it within ten minutes.

It might look regular but I can assure you, it tastes real good!

In addition,what I need here will be a big piece of roasted chicken breast, sauteed with garlic, salt, sugar and black pepper. Then, pour in a little bit of red wine and then serve with some drops of lemon juice on top of the meat. The chicken breast goes perfectly with the white sauce angel hair pasta. I prepared the full meal before, they tasted wonderful. Sadly, I don't have the mood and ingredient today. So, all I have is the thin angel hair pasta with creamy white sauce.

I guess the moral of this post is to tell you all that I am a gourmet and noodles-lover. Plus, I can really cook, sometimes.

Now, take out a glass, I want to hear the 'clinking' sound.

Ok, cheers. May all of you have a prosperous Chinese New Year! GONG XI FA CHAI.

Irony

When I was getting my water bottle from the cabinet today, I spotted one of my colleagues' bottles with a very interesting quote printed around its body.

It goes--

" I travel the world to search for what I NEED but I found it at home."

I am totally clueless about the source of the quotation but I shall say I really like it.

Isn't it ironic? We always go far to achieve some so-called goals and dreams and what not. Then, lastly, we realise what we need was just at your finger tips.

However, without making the effort to get off the track, you will never know what you really need.

A big irony indeed.

Flawless

Is it really wonderful to have a perfect life which is plain-sailing; running smoothly without any big difficulty, struggle or challenges? I am sure that we all have have this kind of friends around us, who never have to worry about anythings in life as they were born with 'golden spoons' in their mouth. As an addition to their fortunate life, some of them were even gifted with stunning outward appearance, vital-statistic figures and also a blissful family.

The only few issues that bother them the most will be something like: 'What should I wear for tonight's dinner?' 'I have gained some weight, I need to lose down.' 'My boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't treat me right.' 'I don't have enough money for the brand new luxury laptop and fancy car.'

After fulfilling their tertiary education, this blessed group can work anywhere and do whatever they want since they do not have to worry about paying for themselves- the parents bought them cars and even provide them with places to stay and plenty of nice food to eat. They spend the money to buy all kinds of fancy stuff for themselves, going on trips on a regular basis, falling in love with their special ones, getting married and eventually settling down by starting own family.

It might sound boring in someways but I am pretty sure that some of us dreamt of that kind of flawless way of living before. Come on, admit it, once in a while, we all do. Then, normally, we utter a long sigh, complaining about how terrible our destiny is and how unfair life can be.

Well, I guess life is never fair then. I always yearn to be in the lucky group but too bad, I am always in a totally opposite position. As such, I always work harder than anyone else because there is one old-school saying,"working your own luck". So, speaking from experience, if you strive harder, most of the time miracles will happen, though the process will be really tough. If your will is strong enough, after tonnes of tears and sweat, what you have wished for might come true someday. However, there is no guarantee for that. The irony is that we just have to strive harder if you were not blessed.

I am not a religion fanatic but for some reasons, I strongly believe in Karma. No, not so much on the previous life concept but mainly on the total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.

What goes around, comes around. What you have done determines what you get later. That sounds fair, right?

Besides, the universal principle does not believe in perfection, too. Recently, I heard a story from a friend. This friend's friend( let's name him 'Guy A') killed himself few months ago by jumping off a building. ' Guy A' was having the utmost perfect life, which envied by every single creature in this world. He was a young and handsome pilot with piles of money in the bank. He got to travel from time to time, having big house, nice car and prominent parents. Plus, he had a gorgeous girlfriend whom he had been seeing for more than ten years.

Nobody could understand the reason for someone as awesome as him to killing himself. Though, rumours went around, saying that he was actually a homosexual and had been hiding inside the closet for his entire life. The pressure from the conservative society and religion were killing him pieces by pieces. So, one day 'Guy A' just decided to end all of his misery by leaving this cruel world.

Life is a tricky game. Be sure to play it right.

Sooooo Human

Humans are a composition of various different kinds complicated components. As such, we are way different from other creatures. We have emotions and brain- we think, we feel, we laugh and we cry.

As a human being, seriously, I think that mankind is an enigma, the more you get to know about this species, the more questions you have.

We are proclaimed as the highest level of animals as 'most' of us have culture, affections, knowledge,and rationale behind actions. We have the ability to love something and somebody that leads to selfless devotion and sacrifice.

However, being the so-called highly intelligent class, we are incredibly unpredictable, too. At this minute, we can love something to death, but at the next minute, there is a possibility for us to just throw the stuff into the drain without even realising it; totally forgot about how we once might kill to get it.

There were too many couples who declared their vows and got married out of love; though, after going through challenges in the shared new life, the feelings and affections faded away. Eventually, it follows by ugly disputes, hatred against each other, betrayal, affair, ill-assorted couples or maybe divorce.

Why humans are so forgetful? We forgot the reasons to like something or somebody. In the contrast, as time goes by, we feel like other party is changing and he or she is not the same anymore. In fact, everything is the same, it is the heart that changes.

When the heart is not there, lovely gifts turn into trashes; scrumptious meals taste like crap; dressing up became slutty.

Actually, same thing applies to friendship, too. Recently, many of my friends had been complaining that they have no more real friends as they are losing contact with previous school mates. Now all they have are colleagues, who they had fun with sometimes, and it stops with that. They said it is hard to get a real friend who really understand you or care about you anymore.

You will ask, then why not reconnecting with previous pals? Honestly, it's hard because the heart is not there anymore. Most of them are busy with work, new responsibility, boyfriend and some are even married. Perhaps, humans are only able to focus at one thing at a time, so, we chose to throw away something that was precious for us but seemed to be not-so-helpful right now- real friendship.

Well, I am sure that there will be some exceptions. Some people are really able to maintain whatever relationships till the end of their life, with a same friend or spouse, but I would say it is rare as it requires a lot of hard work. So, some people would choose to give up.

Love is really an abstract thing. You can't explain it to anybody. It is just funny that once you thought that you had a life long real friend whom you could give up everything for but after going through too much misunderstanding and miscommunication, the heart gets really tired. Next, you made up your mind to give up entirely. Then, someday you were able to meet up with him or her under a very rare circumstances, you might be glad but you won't have the thrill anymore. You won't feel sad or hateful either, there was no any special emotions. The person will just appear to be another regular friend. At last, you started wonder and sort of amazed at yourself for the dedicated you were willing to offer unconditionally last time.

You know that you will never 'give' anymore.

In short, I think any forms of relationships need a lot of 'give'. However, people started from 'give' to just merely 'take'. That's just so human nature. We are all selfish jerks.

向昨天说再见

第一次听到这首歌的时候我只有十岁？实际年龄记不得了，只知道当时只略知一些英文单字的我就在那一瞬间被曲子浓郁的惆怅音乐深深吸引。还是个孩子的我就到处去向大人们打听，但是却徒劳无功。最后终于在报章上得知那其实是旧曲翻唱。当时红及一时的黑人组合- “从男孩到男人”以他们不凡、惊人的嗓子把最真实的情感注入了歌中，酿成了一曲绝世奇迹。

经过了无数次的字典翻查，我终于对歌词有了更深一层的了解。顿时惊觉美词艳曲在结合了浑厚完美的歌喉之后真的是足以‘杀死人’。于是，我对这首歌的痴迷程度即可达到疯狂境界。贫穷的我省吃俭用了好几个月才负担得起十八零吉的卡带。然后我就如获至宝的每天至少重复听十次，直到琅琅上口为止。也许那种浪漫少年情怀真的就只属于那个情绪化的年代吧？若干年后的我竟在不经意间把这首难得金曲给抛在记忆中的某处。珍贵的卡带在多次的搬迁后不知所踪，强烈的纯真情操随之遗失。

多年后我路经‘塔楼记录库’不经意的撞见 “从男孩到男人” 的精选专辑。如今的他们早已不如往昔，专辑自然也便宜了许多。不知为什么，就在那之后的一分钟，我拿了光碟就去柜台付钱。

接下来的四十五分钟，我飞驰于从圣塔安娜至河边九十号高速公路上，听着这首熟悉的歌曲。 再一次真真切切地被感动了。

就像歌中所提到的一样，要向昨天和过去说再见真的好难。一切的经历﹑眼泪﹑欢笑与震撼仿佛发生在昨天，可是在想要去捕捉时却又觉得很遥远。所以，我潇洒的挥了挥手，把感觉放在心里。记忆真的是一辈子的，没有任何人可以夺走它；这一切就像那首歌一样，在很多年后的今天我再次深深爱上。也因为这样，我觉得也许有那么一天我可以再拥有新的一页回忆，保有同样的人﹑事﹑物，让故事延续下去。

我只是想推荐这一首好歌，仅此而已。

Just Random

What do you think about foreign workers? I mean like those from Indonesia, Vietnam,India, Nepal, Philippine, Bangladesh, Cambodia and some other developing countries. Normally, they will be taking those blue-collared jobs which the local citizens refuse to. In fact, they are categorized as the lowest class in the society. Day after day, they are judged and stereotyped and discriminated. I talked with my friends about this group of people before and the words like 'Dangerous', 'Dirty', 'Smelly','Slutty' were heavily used.

Well, I used to agree with them as some of the generalizations can be true. Some of them do contributed to the increasing crime rate in the country. However, one thing for sure- not ALL of them are like that. In fact, just refer to the common cases of maid-abuse and some other forms of exploitations by the agents and employers. Seriously, if they have better choice, no one would want to leave their homelands and work as cleaners, maids or even worse- prostituted themselves at 5 bucks at a land which is totally strange for them. In my opinion, I think that the pressure and judgement of the 'other higher classes' around forced them to stick together closely with one another. As such, they always appear in group or gang. It is an obvious sign of insecurity.

No, I am not joining the bandwagon to voice about the maid-abuse issue. Actually, it's my present encounter with them drives me to jot down something about this special group of people. Just like any other huge company, mine also hired a lot of foreigners to do the cleaning job. Since we all share the same pantry and working area, I always have chance to observe them closely when I have nothing better to do.

All of them are from different countries but they all share a few significant traits.

1. They walk across people fast with eyes staring on the floor. I am always amazed that they were able to avoid hitting the pillars, shelves and things around them.

2. If they accidentally having eye-contact with other employees who are not doing domestic work, some kind of uneasiness will rise from their eyes. Quickly, they will look away and continue staring down.

3. When they see others coming from the front, no matter how much stuff they were carrying, they would automatically moved to the side and allowed others to walk past first.

4. During lunch hour, they would avoid sharing the same table with the rest of the people. Normally, when they had no choice, they chose to sit at a corner and tried to hide their entire head into the lunch box while eating.

5. They always looked sorry and apologised first when they thought they were blocking others' way but in fact is the other way round.

6. They never greet anybody or make any noise when non-cleaners are around.

Their inferiority is apparent. I don't know why but it kills me in someways.

I really want to say 'Hi' to them sometimes but I am not sure how would they feel and react about it. I feel sad seeing them swallowing the food from their lunch box, which is normally some curry soup over the plain rice. A lot of questions played in my mind--"Do they miss a home-cooked meals from home?"; "How often they call home?"; "When could they go home?"; "What do they feel about working here?"; "How do they think about the themselves and the other members in the society?"

Some people might think that I care too much about some unnecessary stuff. Maybe I am, though trust me, I can understand how it feels like in someway. I worked ALL kinds of job before. I worked as babysitter, maid, cashier, waitress, went selling books door-to-door and even cleaned some bathroom and toilets before for living. Life is hard and sometimes you just have to do everything to survive.

My grandparents used to have one disturbed Indonesian maid who mixed her urine into the drinking water jar and also some others who stole. Meanwhile, I had relatives who slapped and insulted her domestic helper besides pouring boiling water on her after she found out that her husband had been sleeping with the younger maid.

I guess, in general, nobody would like to be belittled or live right next to prejudice. But, we stay in a cold world, ruthless persecutions and generalizations are everywhere. Like what my Long Island host mom used to say, "Then toooOOooo bad, life is never fair.." Somehow, I think that everybody has their own destiny. Who knows, maybe after years of working, their families will be able to lead a better life.

Believe it or not, most of the time, the reason for us to be strong and fearless is our 'family'. It is the strongest support you could ever gain from this planet.

So, love yourself and love everybody. It's ok to be treated mean but never be mean to anybody. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I believe in 'karma'. Life is definitely going to take you to a place where you belong.

Gibberish

Have anyone of you notice that time runs faster than the Japanese 'Shinkanse' after college? Again, Christmas and Chinese New Year is around the corner. I thought I just had my Christmas in year 2008? JEEZ, it's the end. Year 2009 is coming. I was just in grief having my 24 years old birthday celebration; now, the ticking of the clock is alarming me about the approaching of 25 next year, following by 26, 27, 28, 29 and then 30?! LORD! I have to stop thinking about that else I will go crazy.

I realise that I have the tendency to act 'young' and 'cute' comparing to the passing three years. I started to cut my hair shorter with plenty of layers besides keeping bangs. Picking clothes that are 'baby doll' like is something that I would do, too if I think the attire suits me in someway. Meanwhile, wearing some make-up seems to be a necessary thing to do nowadays. Majority of my skincare products carry the anti-aging and wrinkle-fighting functions. Things get more complicated right now as I used to only need to put on moisturising cream. *sigh* Women definitely have a life-long declaration of war to the things, which are closely related to their outward appearance. We go insane losing weight, burn hole in pocket for grooming and even kill to grab on the tail of youthful age. I swear, in my next life, I want to be a man!

Anyways, as cliche as it sounds, my life is really a roller coaster. There are too many extremes. It can be painful, but seriously, I love it. I am sorry mom, it is impossible for me to live up to your expectation of a good daughter, who is obedient. I am not wild but I just don't like being trapped in a conventional society, following some kinds of rules that I think I am not supposed to. The changes in life make me grow in a steady way and I am really glad that I have a 8 months old niece now. Oh, no, the niece thing and the whole previous paragraph has no direct relationship, I guess I am just missing her right now since she is definitely a freaking adorable baby.

I was on a jet plane not too long again and then I moved away. Now, I will have to move again pretty soon. Gosh, this life journey thing is never going to give me a break. But I think I like it in someways. It's exciting, isn't it? Again, a new place with new experience! yeah!

Currently, I am a working class at this Japanese company. Most of the time, I can't differentiate myself from a cleaning lady. White people who came to the store will ASSUME I were a retard and started to spell out each and every word they were saying. 0_o. Well, I guess I will ask if I don't understand. It can be frustrating sometimes but I like my job since it is really an easy-money to earn. the toughest part might be the Japanese style of management system, which include countless times of briefing a day. Though, I can live with it as long as I could have a peek at the books I like once in a while at the corner.

I am not gay but I pro-homosexual. I always think that they are cool. So, I have been reading this Apple's gay blog for quite a while. I like the way the writer conveys his thoughts into words and also admire his truthfulness towards his real feelings. Undeniably, he has a very very wonderful command of language that is rare to be found from other bloggers. However, his recent post about Malaysia Vs Singapore and also Johorean Vs KL people pissed me off. I am not defensive, it's just that I can't tolerate ignorant people to talk about something they don't even know and ended up using ONLY A LOT of generalizations! Come on, if you really want to write something you have no any shit thoughts about, go do some research instead of just using your instinct or friends' opinions. It is just pathetic and ridiculous! I was going to drop a line at his post days ago but then I knew it is going to be more than one lines so I didn't do it. GOD! I am really busy with work nowadays! I don't even have time to show my hostility! Hmm, I think I still love gay people and I still admire gay's Apple writing. But, I still hate the post. Anyways, nobody cares. So, I shut up!

I am not sure about what I have said in this post and also what the purpose was. I think it is just another random update, where there was no connections among paragraphs. I guess besides the aging part, I am happy with my life right now. I am excited about the next coming change!

Hurray!

Liberty

I could never forget the thrill of standing in front of the statue of liberty, seeing it with my own naked eyes for the first time. The weather was freezing cold but I felt my heart throbbing fast and there was heat rising within.
It was a token of friendship from France to the United States in the the year of 1886. The statue is gigantic. At the height of 151 ft, it stands on the pedestal and foundation, gazing at the world from the famous New York harbor. From the bottom, I was just a tiny dot that extended my neck to the maximal, trying to have a better view of the US icon.

It is a liberal land, which provides people with liberal dreams. Humans from every corners of the planet would try whatever way to flock to this freedom land, in search of individuals' dreams.

I was totally overwhelmed by the wonders of the dreamland. You are allowed to grow your own wings, spread it anytime you want to and fly high in the sky.

I forbid myself to generate any thoughts, staying a blank mind works better for my emotions. So far, I am proud to say that I am doing good, but I am sure I will get better.

I need a lock for memory and liberty in heart.

运气

是的，这一次我就用久违了的华语来写这一篇文章。不为什么，只是想用不一样的文字来抒发‘波涛汹涌的感情’吧。此外，也想趁此机会温习一下已日渐陌生的母语。呃，身为受了无数年华文教育的华族后裔总该要写的出一篇起码像样的文章吧？！

最近生活掀起了大波浪，被乌云笼罩的我唯有苦中作乐，娱人自娱。其实日子还是不错的啦，好吃好住。想笑就笑，想哭就哭；从另一个角度去看，好像还蛮自由自在的叻！可能人在经历了一些事情后就会傻傻的在陀陀乌云中找寻光线吧。其实太阳的确是躲在黑云后啦，不过我还没找到它。待我们结束了这场‘躲猫猫’游戏我会告诉你们雨后真的就有彩虹喔! 请给我多一些时间。

在这里要告诉你们我一个漂亮朋友的故事。她可是我大学时期的校花，人比花儿娇，心似菩萨善的她有时傻呵呵的，有时懒懒的，有时却又精明能干（其实以前我有写过她的故事,好奇者请按这里，你可以看到她沉鱼落雁的尊容噢!）。芳龄二十五的她早领先往日同学，写了不知多少本富含创意及教育性质的书，羡煞了多少旁人。但是，小女子她可是苦尽甘来的喔。她在被无理老板压迫了一年多后才闯出一番成绩。默默忍受，埋头苦干了这么久的她终于凭着那一群她引以为傲的‘孩子’闯出了一番春天，在异国觅得合意高职，即将离家展开另一页璀璨人生。我在羡慕之余真的也献上了无限祝福。经过了那么多的努力，那是她应得的啦！正所谓“不经一番寒彻骨，哪得梅花扑香？" （嘿，我可是有文学涵养的呖！）

近日与她聊了一会儿，脸上总露出大酒窝的她在谈到自己的成就突然显得有些严肃。她振振有词的诉说她对一些评语的不满。

“很多人都说我很幸运，可以找到一份自己喜欢而又高薪的工作。可是我在努力的时候有人看到吗？老板刻薄，乱发脾气，薪水又低。我经过了那么多次的艰跨国应征，找了近两年才成功找到这份合眼的工作，所以我真的不觉得我是靠运气。。。”

她的这一席话真的很引人深思。很多时候，我们总觉得别人被上天眷顾，遍逢好运。无可否认，有者在人生际遇中的确会好运连连；但是，更多的时候我们需要的是最基本的努力。与其在角落妒忌他人的成就、埋怨人生的不公平，何不站起来做一些应该做的事？有时候好运真的是可以在经过很多努力后创造出来的。

这只是一篇小品，愿与大家共勉之。

Cousins

My mother hailed from a very big family. She was born as the eldest daughter and has other seven siblings in the family. Throughout my personal observation, I realise that the two biggest weak points in having such a gigantic traditional family being:

1. The family is always poor.
2. The siblings do not care about each other by heart.

My father came from another huge family, too. And, the saddest thing is, I don't know how many siblings my father owns. He never gets along well with them due to some family conflicts that I would never understand. So, this proves the second point as stated above to be correct.

Anyways, what I want to talk about here is my cousins. I am not sure how many cousins I have got from my father's side but I familiar with my mother's. If I am not mistaken, I think I have altogether 15 cousins from my maternal family. Most of them are around my age, which allowed me to have a lot of playmates back then. Yes, we were really close. Though, unavoidably, we all know that things changed tremendously in the process of growing up. Without me realising, we move away from each other eventually after losing the purest childlike innocence. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder-is this some kinds of price that we have to pay to grow up?

In fact, there are ongoing issues among ours parents, which might be one of the factors that drift us apart. However, I just couldn't help but wishfully indulge in the dreams of 'Maybe'. Yeah, maybe we could do better, if shits did not occur or we tried harder. Well, what done cannot be undone and nothing can be fixed through a one-way street. I am just going to rearrange my memories, update the data and then perhaps, seal off part of the old recollection.

THEY used to be my sweetest brothers and sisters... But now they are merely strangers whom I could barely recognize.

I. Ngee
He went to UK two years for study. His parents sold out two double storey-houses to sponsor his luxury life over there. Besides, he 'borrowed' 80K from my grandpa as school fee but we all know that he would never return the money. He would not even visit the grandparents after getting back from UK. He got a job now in KL and seems to be doing pretty good. I haven't seen him for years.

II. Fen
She failed in college for several times and then changed to another college to continue study. I heard some rumours that she did not graduate from the other college, too. Now, she is tutoring kids and might be running her own tuition center?! She teaches piano, too. When she was old enough to know that her family is rich and others were poor, she started treating others in a cold manner. She was brainwashed by her mom completely and treating everybody as her enemy.

III. Ming
He is a very good looking kid. He did not do good in school so after high school, he started helping out at his parents' store. He was spoiled in someways and intended to run some illegal business as a way to get rich. Owing to his gifted appearance, sweet-talking mouth and generous spending behaviours, he was able to change his girlfriends on a monthly basis ever since he was 17. He cheated on most of his previous girlfriends and currently he is co-habituating with a girl who has been dating him for like 4 years. This girl had abortion for three times and wanted to leave him. Though, the girl's mother injected her with the idea that sticking with a rich guy is the remedy to happiness for women. So, she is still staying with him, driving a big Honda car given by my cousin's mother.

IV. Na
She got a certificate in tourism and had worked as a tour-guide for a while. She used to lead the trips to China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. She is not the slim type but she is very attractive I shall say. She used to tell everybody that there were a lot of guys went after her or hit on her whenever she goes. Though, none of us could understand why she would once be with a jobless physically-challenged guy who took her car and cheated on her. Anyways, she learned a lesson and after that and now dating a rich dude who owns three boutiques in the region. According to my relatives, this rich dude is running a lot of illegal business underneath. Na resigned from her tour-guide job, drives a 'Waja' and became the lady boss of one of the boutiques. Many relatives who went to her shop complained that she shows people's attitude when they tried to get friendly. Her mother was upset about her frequent sleep-overs at the boyfriend's. She told me that she wished that the daughter could get pregnant someday and got married as she feels painful to witness the things going on everyday.

V. Jo
She is a teenager and she has no interest in whatever that relates to academic. After high school, she works at her sister, Na's shop. She likes nothing but buying new clothes, putting on make-up and taking pictures of herself. She was in some sorts of beauty pageant contest before but she did not win. She is just 18 but I heard that she has changed plenty of boyfriends ever since she starts dating. She spent like 600++ to perm her hair and has made up her mind to be a barbie doll, as if it was a blessing for eternal happiness.

Frankly speaking, I have not seen or talk with any of them for years. Asides from my personal encounters, the rest of the information were given by some other relatives. As such, the data might be biased or inaccurate. Besides, they can talk about me like the way I did to them here, since I have a lot of my flaws, too. Nonetheless, believe it or not, I am not trying to generate a very bad picture of them. It's just that part of me wished that we were still a group of kids, holding each other hands, playing games without judging anybody.

Let's turn back time...

What else?

"锦上添花时时有

雪中送炭有几人

要学松柏千年绿

不做桃花一时红"

I am lucky to have a friend who is a "Charcoals-sender". It's precious in this world, isn't it? So, this nice friend of mine has been working with the same media company for like more than two years and she seems to be doing really good. When I asked her if she is happy with her job, she did not really reply me in a direct manner. Instead, she gave me a complicated look and said,

"Well, besides this, I really don't know what else I can do..."

That was kind of discouraging, in someways.

Then, I remember Chloe told me the same thing.

"I am not sure what else I can do, besides writing." Claimed Chloe, in a sunny afternoon after lunch.

These few days, I have the same doubt. So, besides writing bad copies of articles that need to be edited at least 10 times before getting published, what else can I do?

Sometimes, I am regret for being retarded in Science and some other boring subjects like:economy, business and finance. The professions like doctor, engineer, pharmasist and accountants provide a more promising income and future.

Though, I am SzeChia and I am who I am, I can never be someone else.

So what else I can do?

I think should be feeling proud of myself and having the guts to press the reset button in life over and over again.

That's indeed a blessing, I think.

The van. The memory.

The van in the picture is widely seen everywhere. When I was little, looking at those colourful pictures and reading out loud the slogans that were printed around the vehicle's body seemed to be my hobby. I knew the advertising jargon-'Transit Advertising' when I was in the college; it is actually a term that describe the 'moving' advertising medium like train, bus, truck, van and so on. So, the 'Red Bull' was a transit advertisement.

Most of the times, those advertisements can be fun to look at as they are normally simple and catchy to the eyes. However, I do not believe that too many of you out there had really sat in those so-called advertising van or truck before. Well, I did, for uncountable times. My father used to be a salesman who drove around company's big vans (bigger and more colourful than the one in the picture, I swear), promoting the products besides delivering them to the particular stores. Of course, it was not with the 'Red Bull' company, he had done similar jobs with several different companies before. The only one that I have memory of was 'Tong Garden', the Asia's largest flavoured nuts supplier company.

Both of my parents hailed from extremely poor families which did not even able to provide them three meals a day. As such, education was an unreachable luxury for them. Listening to their upbringing was like being exposed to the greatest nightmare. I could never imagine myself growing like the way they did. Living itself was the toughest challenge for my parents as even the utmost basic thing like getting A bowl of rice A day also appeared to be impossible. But, somehow, they survived and then continue the circle of poverty.

My family was poor, in fact, we still do. But things are getting slightly better now since we need no educational funding or kids' pocket money anymore. Before that, it was a total mess. Everyday my parents argued about money and my mom worked like a dog just to make ends meet. Meanwhile, my father worked hard, too but he did not contribute much due to his different set of belief that forced him to make bad choices in life. In short, he was never a good husband and certainly stayed far away from the standard of being a responsible father.

I hated him. I blamed him for all the damages and pain he brought to the family. However, now I look back to my childhood memory with my father, all I have in my mind are the pictures of me sitting in my father's advertising van. That was the only transportation we had and he used to rush back home during lunch hour to take me to the tuition centre and sometimes found some excuses to leave earlier from work just to pick me up later.

I remember that year I was ten years old. One of my friends spotted me getting off from my father's 'Tong Garden' van in that burning hot afternoon. Then, she told my others classmates that I got off from a big colourful advertising van, asking if that was my father's van.

I was young and ignorant. I got embarrassed and defensive immediately. I denied it on the spot. Ever since then, I realised that I was the only one student who got off from a big advertising van whereas most of my friends had those rich parents who drove luxurious cars. I think I started having the idea of 'caste' right after that incident.

Obviously, I was ashamed by my father's van and most of the time I refused to have him drive me. When there was no other better options, I would walked away from the crowd to wait for my dad at a corner and then got on the van as fast as I could when he arrived to avoid attention. Besides, I would also moved my body off the car's window, placed myself into a total 'facing-the-right' side position so that even if my friends saw the van, they would not notice that I were sitting in it.

My sneaky behaviours sure made my father suspicious. One day, when I was sitting diagonally from the window, My father said to me," You just don't want to let your friends know that you are sitting in this kind of van, right? That's why you waited me at the other place and try to stay away from the window."

I was shocked to be confronted like that. So again, I denied, as if my actions were not apparent and cruel enough.

He did not say anything afterwards. Instead, he gave out a big sarcastic laugh. His eyes was hollow and the laughing was like the only expression he could use to cover his disappointment.

Unequivocally, he was not the best father. Anyhow, he was not the worst either. At least, he cared about his daughter even when she did not deserve it. If there were any chances again, I will sit in the huge advertising van, next to my father because now only I realise that having a father who cares is an undoubtedly honor in life.

M&M

With the winning of numerous Grammy Awards, this Michigan-bred white rapper was recognized as the best amongst the best in the predominantly black Hip-Hop world. My black friends did not find him impressive but many white girls and 'Wigga-wannabe'(call me a racist! I don't give a damn) are crazy about him. I am not an expert in any genre of the music so I am not in the position to commend or critisize. I am not sure if he is always the best, though Marshall Bruce Mathers III aka Eminem;the miracle created by Dr Dre, is definitely my all-time-favourite.

I used to be a pure sentimental songs lover, anything besides sweet, slow and mellow music would drive me insane. Of course, I heard about Eminem-the talented white rapper ever since I was a teenager. However, I read more about his controversial personality, traumatizing chilhood, criminal backgroud and some other socially unaccepted behaviours. As such, I stereotyped him as another white trash who highlighted violence and sex as the unique selling point in his songs, poisoning the mind of the ignorance.

Chloe was the one who opened the door for me. Few years ago, she showed me the real Slim Shady's world. The music maestro keeps track of all those superstars' movements and Eminem happend to be one of her preffered artist. After her constant persuasion, I agreed to give it a try. His first song that I listend to was 'Cleaning out my closet'. Seriously, I found the music to be interesting. Immediately, I looked up the lyrics and I thought it was amazing. Ever since then, I got his CDs and started listening to them, exploring them one by one. I would be dishonest if I were telling you that all of his songs are wonderful. Frankly speaking, in my opinion, not all of them are great but I will conclude him as a rapper with strong verbal energy. Most of his songs had portrayed high quality of lyricism.

From his first album,'Infinite(1996)' to his coming 'Relapse(2008)', there had been an obvious transition of his music style. Insisting to ditch the shadows of other famous rappers away, he released his second album, 'The Real Slim Shady LP(1999)', which was totally exuding his astonish talent and personality. I could feel it when there is a true shocking memory behind a song; the painful hate-the-world vent and grumble can be the best mechanism to wash away your frustration in time.

The list of his songs that tickle my fansy: 'Cleaning out my Closet', 'Mocking Bird', 'Stan', 'The Kid', 'Like Toy Soldier', 'Hailie's Song', 'Lose yourself', 'My Name Is', 'Kim', 'Superman', 'Mosh' and recently-new-favourite-'White American'.

Chloe said she liked Eminem in suit, wearing glasses, looking hot and polite. I like it, too. But, I prefer him tearing off his tie and suit, showing off his big T-shirt with logo and pants that are a minimum of 40 full sizes over his original size!

Yes, he has tattoos. He got married for two times and divorced for two times with the same woman. He might be a druggie and alcoholic. He might be suffering from many forms of mental disorders and he could be the worst you ever got in this world.

Screw that! Who cares? At least he produces good music and he has been true to himself.