One month

Today is 3rd November 2006. It's been a month since I have left Malaysia to US. One month, it's not a long time. But a lot of things had happenend and I am still trying very hard to make my life here to be a pleasant experience.

US is such a huge country and California is such a huge state. Americans are such a different creatures and Asians seem to have a lot of hard time to cope with them. I watched one Japanese drama last year during my year three term break in hometown. The lead female character tried her best to get strong as she wanted to achieve total independence and lead an extraordinary lifestyle.

When her boyfriend cheated on her, she burnt the radio she gave him during his birthday and then severed the ties without dropping a tear.When she had conflicts with her dearest dad and sister, she moved away from home and spent most of the time alone. When she was fired from job and dropped out from school, she took a long ride on train and even fighted with a stranger at the train station. She never cried and she had been telling herself that, 'I want to be strong, I have to be strong because I want to do something big.'

In the drama, it was a habit for the girl to sneak into the private swimming pool in the middle of the night. She would swim, swim and swim for hours, with her heart kept on convincing her that she was brave and she can be strong and she HAS to be strong.

I don't intend to do soemthing really big, gigantic or enormous. I want to be different somehow. Now, i start to wonder if I really have the guts abd ability to do so? Like what the American said, 'You are timid, coward, bewildered, reserved, passive and we have to babysit you all the time....'

Yes, you are right. I am still very much troubled by the question if i am really meant to be with you guys. I don't know. I am trying, but like you said, it's a struggle. A true and miserable struggle sometimes...

I gotta make a decision fast, I know that. I really dont know what to do at the moment. Try for another week? Try for another month? wait until you get REALLY tired of me and kick me out with your foot? Or make a brilliant change immediately and then bear all the consequences myself?

I don't know.I want to go somewhere to relax my mind. I have to clear my mind and think again. I have to btu I don't know where and who to talk to. It's nobody business coz nobody in this world can give me the exact answer.

It's been a month. I have the picture of departing in my mind. On 2nd October, 2006 (Sunday), 1.30am, Yong, my parents and I were in KLIA. I was about to enter the gate and took the train to the departure hall alone. My mum held my hand so tight and she refused to let me go. Her hand was shaking and it was a painful experience for both of us. I held her in warm embrace and headed off to the gate without looking back. She's the utmost important love for me in this world. Whenever I recall back the situation, I could feel the pain and I started to wonder if what would be the best decision for me right now to commensurate the turmoil and agony I have brought to different parties at different time.

I just want to be happy and don't want to be the burden to anyone else in this world. I don't know.

Now, everyday, I look at myself in the morror and tell myself that I have to be strong, I MUST be strong.

However, it's that MERELY my problem? Am I the only one who's creating the predicament? I don't know.

I WILL be strong.