我的阿嬷

 

今天下午，阿嬷随着阿公也走了。再一次没来得及说再见和谢谢，希望哥哥真的有把我要说的话传达到耳边。

我的阿嬷很疼我，没有了。

短短的三个星期，阿公和阿嬷都不见了，再也找不到了。

我的阿公

我自小就唤外公叫“阿公”。爸爸的爸爸很早就过世了，所以妈妈的爸爸是我唯一的“阿公”。“阿公”八十有几，身体状况欠佳。他在过去两年一直进出医院，今天下午终于永远脱离病痛，他走了。

今天美国加州时间清晨五点，表妹捎来了电子讯息。自然的，眼泪串串落下。很伤心。听起来很白痴和不孝，但是，真的是由于工作、课业、距离和金钱的关系，我在阿公病危受苦的时候没法回去探望他。今天他撒手归西，我还是没能回去，摸了摸自己的良心，发现好像找不着。

我和阿公并没有很亲, 我们之间的交流少得可怜。记忆中的他总是酷酷凶凶的，就是一副标准的严肃沉默大家长模样。小时候我和成群的表兄妹们看到他总是退避三舍，害怕因为吵闹玩乐而被骂。和妈妈谈起阿公，我们都一致认同阿公的威严是多么的让人不敢侵犯。我想这是因为他自小漂洋过海来到南洋，贫困艰难的生活造就了坚毅的个性和眉头深锁的容貌。不过，一点可以完全确定-- 阿公是个成功白手起家的正直商人、难得的好人。

他不做不道德的生意，本着宁可被人骗自己却决不骗人的原则，虽然因此而吃了不少苦头但他不曾后悔过。他虽然固执不过却非常照顾自己的八个儿女，若在人生或金钱方面有什么难题,他都会挺身而出，帮忙到底。阿公知道我的家境贫困，从小就经常塞钱给妈妈，也让妈妈在店里帮忙,让她有一份稳定的工作。令人心痛的是为了一家大小劳碌勒一辈子的阿公竟被一手提拔的儿子背叛！我无法了解阿公的苦楚，不过，那颗心一定很痛。

 

在我三年前离开马来西亚的前一晚，我到阿公家向他道别。我没有说很多，只是一声，“阿公再见!”他也有型的回了一句，“出门在外，一切小心！”然后，就走回房里。看着他离去的瘦弱背影，我的泪珠在眼眶打滚。我隐约知道那可能就是我们最后一次的见面了。搬来美国看见周遭的友人和家人都是又抱又亲的，心里可羡慕死了！东方人的表爱方式真的需要改进！我完全没有被阿公抱过的回忆，就连张家人亲密照也没和他拍过，这就是所谓的遗憾吧？

 

最后一次和阿公通电话是在去年年尾（我知道，很不孝吧?!）那时他身体状况很差，口齿也已经不清，我和他聊了两句就沉默以对。挂上电话后，我伤心的哭了。从此，我避免打电话给他，只是定时的从家人口中探听他的境况。问我会后悔吗？我说会！但是再从来勒？结果还是一样！我和阿公即陌生有亲密的关系就是以这样的模式进行的吧？

 

努力的回顾对阿公记忆，我想到了小时候的我开心的接过阿公手上大大的红包、新年初一早上看着他在厨房煮着鲜美的鱼粥、他躺在客厅彩色躺椅上拿着遥控器看着电视、静静地坐在客厅角落熟练的运用茶具泡一壶好茶，还有就是穿着白色上衣、黑色长裤的他推着黑色的传统大脚车从篱笆门外走进来。对阿公的印象都是平静的，朴实简单的回忆都是蓝蓝的一片，像大海，没有任何多余色彩的交叉。

 

我想起了最后一次看见阿公的背影，忽然惦记起小时候在阿公家玩闹的画面。如果真的有时光机，我要回到那个时段，给阿公拍个和一群小孙子孙女的合照，最好就是一个板着一张脸的阿公,不高兴的瞪着烦人的孩童们。我会一直收着这相片，这就是我的阿公，外表冷酷，内心温暖和谐。

 

一直都不想说的一句话：“阿公，请安息。”

圆一个梦

很多好书写的同学们都有过一种不切实际的出书梦吧？我从小就幻想可以做一个全职作家，住在一个远离市区的小屋里=写书。当然，梦想只属于在夜晚熟睡时，现实的我即没过人才华也没侥幸的机遇，所以还是埋首在办公室里投入一场有一场的无聊斗争里。

前些日子里偷闲写了自己的故事，还没完成却无法再写下去了。今天想了一想不如就在这里上传了了一个模拟的隐形作家梦吧！

_______________________________________________________________________

前言

我姓范，名叫诗笳。我出生在马来西亚柔佛州的一个小城镇里。我的名字听起来普通，写起来却异常。妈妈在为我取名选字时特地挑选了一很不普通的‘笳’，目的是希望我可以像中国乐器━胡笳一般，响亮而特出。爸爸命名我‘诗笳’，谐音‘思家’（即思念家人）。也许在我出生之前他就有预感这个女儿他日必定会漂泊远方，所以有必要提醒我有关家人的重要性。

然而，我并不是出类拔萃之辈。从呱呱落地的一九八四年到二零一一年的今天都没真正干过什么惊为人天、轰轰烈烈的大事。但是，我坚信不论再怎么渺小的无名小卒都会有一些异于常人的经历。我就想代表这一群普通市民说说一些不同的生活故事。你读了之后可能会不削的哼之以鼻：“这有什么了不起的？”但，说者请三思，我可以斗胆在这里向你宣战：我肯定你没胆量去重复我所做过的每一件事！

*********************************

一、童年

简单的来说，我其实也和很多的普通大马八零年代后的宝宝一样，懂事后就循规蹈矩的听妈妈的话，埋没于课业中努力求学上进。最怕的就是听到长辈们威胁式的说：“读书如果读不好以后就得去倒大便！”实际上，专倒夜香这种工作在很原始古早前就已经销声匿迹了。可是一联想到那浓郁化不开的臭味，天真的我就会立刻转身埋头苦读。谁要去干那种事阿？我可是立志要嫁给骑着白马的王子叻！开什么玩笑！

儿时沉浸于各类仙履奇缘的童话，难免会被脑洗；伤心难过时总会幻想英挺的王子一手把我拉上俊俏的马匹扬长而去、抛开世俗的烦恼。

这种荒唐事当然只会发生在夜晚沉睡时，现实中根本不可能会有什么贵族来拯救我。我一直都是我自己的英雄；只有我可以解救我自己━这是我在幼小的时候就了解的道理。

我不是保受命运眷顾一的那一群，出生时即没有金汤匙于也没有银钥匙。父母都是好人但碍于均出生在早期漂洋过海的中国华人移民家庭中，贫困又复杂的环境根本不可能准许他们身心健康的成长。犹记得妈妈娓娓诉说着童年之苦：
“我们当时只可以在新年时吃到肉。七岁的时候就得每天自己一个人于清晨五点穿着缺了头的脏白鞋开始步行一个小时半去码头，乘搭破旧的渡轮去上课。那黑漆漆的漫长路程我可是颤抖的用泪水走完…”

恶劣的环境朔造了妈妈极端的两种个性━坚强不屈与多愁善感。她可以为了一篇虚构的故事而落泪；同时，也可以用微弱的肩膀撑起整个家，抱着病危的孩子在深夜步行三公里到路口截德士去医院。她就是那么一个奇怪的女人。她无私的为她深爱的子女奉献一切、为家庭牺牲至没有自我。这种‘你是女人就得认命’的荒谬行为真的就只属于那一个年代。我真的不觉得那是一种值得鼓励的行为。当你把生命意义完全建立在他人身上，你永远都不可能会快乐起来。

相对之下，爸爸则幸运了许多。同样出生在拥有近十个兄弟姐妹的大家庭里，至少他没有吃不饱、穿不暖的问题。公公在爸爸很小时就去世了，所以我从来没见过他。听说他似乎有留下一些遗产，因此孩子们的吃住还不成问题。这份微小的运气却也带来了一丝丝的不幸，长大后手足们为了仅有的田地和房屋而反目成仇，从此不相联络。爸爸没有抢到什么，也不想得到什么。记忆中他对自己的父母兄弟都绝口不提，我一直都认为在见过了人类最丑陋的一面后，爸爸开始对亲情感到失望，从而影响了他日后的人生观。

要说起我和爸爸的感情，我真的无法用文字形容。我们没什么时间或机会在一起，更加没有共同的话题。小学和中学时期我总有上不完的补习班，爸爸无论如何都会坚持开车载我上下课，绝不让我在这方面吃苦。我很肯定在他的内心深处，他是爱我们的，但也许他不知道他的所作所为在很早以前就把一个原本可以很温馨的小家庭撕裂。他并不是一个尽责的丈夫；年轻时满脑子鬼主意，异想天开的藉由赌博来发财。结果当然是惨败。他欠下了一屁股债又不愿脚踏实地地埋头工作，最后遭殃的当然是我那傻坷坷的妈妈。她 身兼多职并变卖身上所有值钱的样品以便还债。那样的生活差点把妈妈逼疯。精神衰弱的她努力的扛起一切责任，变得喜怒无常，为的就是填满那个债务的无底洞，维持一个空了心的家庭。

Q & A

今天从表妹的部落格里读到这个 Q&A 游戏，忽然觉得很好玩，所以就在这里复制了：

Q:最近最开心的事
A:家里养的两只小仓鼠越长越可爱逗趣。

Q:最伤心的事
A:老家闹得鸡犬不灵，妈妈每天都生气伤身。

Q:最生气的事
A:尝试借个耳朵倾听两方面的故事，却被一个没脑的恶心泼妇公开指责。

Q:最近关注的话题
A:如何赚大钱。

Q:最近倒霉的事
A:吃午饭时把牛油玉米倒在老板娘身上。

Q:最近看的戏
A:Family Guy

Q:最近在干什么
A:记录自己的故事。

Q:那现在有什么打算
A:赚很多钱然后开间自己的餐厅

Q:目前最大心愿
A:妈妈快乐起来。

Q:最近不爽的事
A:死八婆还是住在家里。

Q:最近最爱吃的东西
A:美基快熟面

Q:最近看到最让你觉得有道理的一句话
A:把生命意义托付在他人身上你永远快乐不起来。

Q:最近想买的东西
A:DSLR，可是没钱 (和表妹的答案一样！)

Q:最近看过的书
A:My Horizontal Life -- Chealsea Handler

Q:最近常说的口头禅
A:人与人的相处真的很难。

Q:最近暗爽的事
A:花钱买的维他命和保养品真的很有效喔！

Q:目前的理想型
A:有钱的老实人（作梦）

Q:如果你有超人力，你要做什么事？
A:把我的家人心地变好，多点包容和良心。

Q:退休后有什么梦想？
A:在西藏修行；尘归尘，土归土。

Q:最想去的国家
A:老挝

Q:如果有机会看到一个名人，你希望是谁？
A:Eminem，要他在我的屁股上签名。

Q:觉得自己哪里最有魅力？
A:乐于助人之心？

Q:最讨厌被问到的问题？
A:你打算以后要干什么？

Q:你觉得生活美满吗？
A:不错，如果妈妈没那么生气的话会是完美。

Q：最不想看到自已怎样的样子？
A：变肥失业落魄贫困。

New Year New Year!

This is the second week of year 2011. Again, we embrace another new year with open arms. Scratching our heads hard, we try to recall our accomplishment of the passed year. Most of the times, the memories just do not serve us right. Our mind went blank when recapturing. Well, at least that's what happened to me. When this has became a trend, I start taking it as a sign of aging.

I am old. When filling in forms and survey, I realised that I will have to check the column of 26-35. Some of my friends started covering the truth about their ages, refusing to show the year of birth at 'facebook' and some other public profile. I was tempted to do that for once, but 'pretending to be young' is really not my cup of tea. Thus, proudly, I told everybody that I am turning 27 this year. What's next? 30? I am not afraid as I believe that I will continue to grow and when I reach my thirty, I will gain stability in terms of my personality, career, finance, family and relationships. So, it seems like I am looking forward to that stage of life?!

Human memory is a funny mechanism. The process of storing a particular moment into our brain involves a big group system with different roles to co-operate and function accordingly. It is definitely a brain-wide procedure. Somehow, this remembrance section of my brain is facing some rather critical problem; I can hardly remember numerous specific points in time even after being reminded - the people, the faces, the conversations, the laughters and the tears... They sounded really strange to me. Perhaps, my rusty memory system is completely filled up; the capacity limit does not allow a bigger storage.Ironically, my toddlerhood memories keep coming back to me in dreams;relating the stories of my growth. Quoting the viewpoint of Annie, the artist whom I admire for bouncing back jauntily from the setback in life:" Every adult has an inner child in heart. We should acknowledge its existance and hold it in loving clasp."

In some indeterminate point of time, we get elder and more mature; we are totally independent and strong enough to support ourseleves, suddenly, we yearn for a shoulder to lean on. The feeling of being secured in the cradle and playing with teddy bear is just tantalizing. To a certain extend, I guess I can fathom the factors for some people to go crazy over paraphilic infantilism. The most tremendous experience for a mankind is when he is loved, carefree and gingerly protected by everybody in the surrounding.God, I really miss that sensation.

Anyways, let's go back to reality. Year 2010 had been a truly challenging period for me. All of my major and life-changing decisions were made in the passed year. I resigned from my previous good job, moved out from my comfort zone, pressing reset button in a foreignland, staying under the same roof with a family from different culture and social class, being assigned with another role and status, accidentally ended up working with a company that manufacture and merchandise cargo control products and last but not least, spent a lot of money to get my eyes fixed! Recapturing the experience, I break into a cold sweat, again. Not saying I am special or better than everybody out there, but, I do think that I have guts and is always spontaneous. My heart is up for any adventure and uproar in life. Try me!

I do not really have any new year resolution or passed year evaluation. As a summary, the greatest thing that happened last year was my laser eye surgery on December 24. Even though it burnt a big hole in my pocket but I never regret. I feel like I have been reborn with a new soul. My new perfect eyes with n contatc lense or glasses around is the best thing that ever happened to me! Even though I did not really like the surgeon Dr Abraham Shamman that much, but I do thank him sincerely for being professional and skillful enough to grant me with my 20/20 vision!

As for this new year, I am looking forward to achieve success at work place, going back to school and most importantly, maintain close family relationship with those I love dearly.

Wholeheartedly, I wish everybody Happy New Year. May you all work your way to your dreams.

Classes

Generally, society is formed by three level of classes: upper, middle and working class. When they are arranged in the pyramid form, the upper class will be placed right on the top, following by the middle and lower class. Like what you all can see from the system rooted in our marginalized society-- the rich remains prominenetly high but minor;the group is normally those successful entrepreneurs, senior professionals, intellectuals and sharp businessmen. Middle class is formed by diligent young woking adults who graduated from college whereas lower class is the unfortunate ones who are less educated and need to work hard, especially physically to earn money for survival.

Being born in a theoretically unpleasant family, my parents were not educated properly. Thus, I grew up as a complete working class. I could never afford any of the luxury in life no matter how hard I try. However, it doesn't really bother me too much because it is impossible for people to get all the best things in life. I was granted with an insanely devoted mother who make sure I have better opportunities. That's way more than I could ever ask for. As such, I am always thankful.

After obtaining a college degree, there are some slight improvements in terms of my monetary status. Anyhow, I am still pretty much a lower class who cannot afford a lot of unnecessary daily expenses.The cruel fact bugs me once in a while but I never thought that it will be a big deal. Working hard and live moderately have always been my motto and I really like the idea.

I don't need:

1. A humongous house with balcany, backyard, garage dan fancy interior design, situated at a high-class' area.

2. Pure breed dogs and cats that require constant maintainence and huge amount of food.

3. Elegant glasswares or tablewares and pretentious etiquette for guests during ostentatious dinner.

4. Vacation house for getaway usage.

5. Advanced technology for household chores management.

6. Big and luxury cars.

7. Grand vacations to europe.

I prefer to:

1. Live in a small but warm cubby-hole with no pretentious decorations or setting; cut down the time and hustle in maintainence.

2. Handling the basic househodl chores myself.

3. Eat on a table with no fancy glasswares and rules with close friends and family members, mainly serving some unhealty food and homely meals that made by my own parents without having to follow any restrictions in behaving.

4. Not having to use stupid washer and dryer that ruin my cheap but nice-looking clothes.

5. Have ample of spaces for me to hang my hand-washed clothes and spaces to store my stuff according my own rules of organization.

6. Not having carpet and wood furnitures in the house or anything pretentious that will store grease and smell of cooking.

7. Have my own kitchen with the storage of numerous Chinese/Asian food that are 'poisonous' but easy to fix and delicious to consume.

8. Go on cheap but enjoyable budgeted holiday trips.

9. Just freaking be left alone and not being forced to act like an 'upper-class' because I am not fucking from the caste of 'Brahmin'. I was raised as 'Pariah', I squat down and do my business in the bathroom and I am happy to remain that way.

10. Be myself and don't give a fuck about what others think.

Ironically, I remember last time when I was a teacher in class, I discussed the social classes topic with my fellow students. The result of the discussion in that tutorial: peopel should only marry and interact 'among' their social class in order to have a permanent relationship".

As the leader of the discussion who elaborated on the mentioned topic, I failed to act upon my belief.

I am not born with a golden spoon in my mouth; it is pointless to feed me with one right now. Ugly duckling turns into elegant swan story only occurs in fairy tale.

A&C

I hailed from Planet C; you come from Planet A.

We decided to unite, residing at Planet A. But, that doesn't change the fact that I am from Planet C.

You want me to live in Planet A, think like people in Planet A, just like the way you do, refusing to even get to know Planet C. You think that everybody should live like you and you rolled your eyes seeing others living their life in a different way. You think that your way is the right way, others are just being ridiculous.

You are just hiding under a big well, seeing the world underneath the well.

You will have to take the responsibility;you are no longer a kid or a prince from your lala highclass land.

Grow up before you lose everything.