Ignorance

It's been a while since I last bitched about anything. I didn't have anything to grumble about since I enjoy what I am doing right now at the moment. However, the encounters I have at this semester really put me into a lot of hair-pulling situations; no wonder, I am becoming balder and balder. Sometimes,the spoiled brats' attitudes can really drive you to the edge.

Let's introduce this group of 'stuff', 'Useless Trashes'. Why name them useless trash? This is because some of the junk or trashes still can be recycled but this bunch of trash are just trash, they are all smelly and rotten and completely useless. Their existence causes major pollution to the society. We have a lot of those in school, I had that kind of experience with this type of trash since I was studying in college, right now I am working under the same setting, so naturally have more experience with it. This bunch of useless trash couldn't speak their mother tongue because they grew up in a family which used another language at home or simply just pretended that they couldn't speak it, as they thought that it was way too embarrassing for them to converse in mother tongue. They were convinced that by speaking another language, their image will get upgraded.

Well, there is nothing wrong for somebody to not able to converse in mother tongue, who cares what language you speak anyways? The problem here is, this group of people are very proud of it; to a stage where they just stick together in one group, mocking at other students who couldn't speak well, refusing to work with other students or accept their opinions, insisted to just mix within their groups;thinking that they are superior than others cause they couldn't speak their mother tongue but a mouthful of 'Manglish'.

Useless trashes do not listen in class, at all because they thought they are better than average students. They will do their assignments according to their own ways because they think that theirs format is better than what being shown by the lecturers, they are like the utmost unique species in this world who will be able to excel in life, just because they are able to utter more 'Manglish' than regular students out there. The biggest issue here is-- they thought too highly of themselves, they were not that capable or talented besides able to speak just a little bit better than other students because they got used to the language since they were little. Other than that, they were nothing more than a piece of dysfunctional crap. They skipped the classes or when they do attend, they will try whatever way to make sure that they will be late for at least half an hour. They listened to I-pod, sending texts over cell phone for two hours or talked with their friends happily at the back, disturbing the progress of whole class.

So, what the hell? If you really think that you are THAT smart, then just freaking skip the classes, why bother to attend then talk and do shits behind? These are obviously some of the childish rebellion acts of teens. Come on, you all are not that YOUNG anymore. What's yours purpose in life? Are you all really that NAIVE by thinking that speak just a little bit better than the rest of the students will bring you victory in life? Jesus Christ!

Besides, they handed in really crappy assignments, thought they were able to cover all those flaws by using their so-called beautifully written piece. Unfortunately, it is impossible for you to get high marks when you didn't even fulfil the basic requirements. Stop dreaming!

The useless trashes all share a great similarity-- All of them were born with those kind of super annoying faces, which make you think that it is really hard for anybody to love them in their entire life. Glancing at those ignorant and not-so-pleasant looking face, I am able to picture the faces of those who raise them.

Please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against those people who not able to speak, read or write their mother tongue; matter of fact, I have plenty of nice friends who do not speak their mother tongues, I have nothing against these people, just like what I have mentioned earlier. I am just having problems with those people who are ignorant, dumb, narcissism, self-obsessed and not understand the meaning of 'being respectful'. Coincidentally, many of them with the mentioned characteristics appear to be the ones who were not able or refused to communicate in mother tongue because they thought it was a really shameful thing. I am sorry for the stereotype over here, I know that not all of you are like that; sadly, most of the non- mother tongue speakers I met fulfilled most of the bad qualities above.

Please, if you want to be cocky and cool and outstanding, kindly make sure that you actually have the ability or conditions(at least a little bit) to do so, at least, ditch your 'Manglish' because if that's the only language you speak but you still suck at it, that will be the most pathetic thing in this world.

Get the hell out of my class! Stop trashing around, I don't need you all.

The Legend

He has Gone.

No, I am not writing this piece to mourn about his death.

Unlike those dramatic people who decided to worship the 'King of Pop' right after his death, I am not an "overnight Jacko fan"; matter of fact, I do not even belong to the Michael Jackson Era. When I was old enough develop the preference towards music, he was already popular for being an extreme plastic surgery addict who seemed to have weird preference towards children. He was depicted badly in the newspaper and my parents' comments about him were fairly consistent --"pervert, psycho".

Though, for some reasons, my elder brother loved him a lot and had his music played in the radio from time to time. He owned many of his early cassettes and used to tell me how awesome the King was in doing the world renowned moon walk. I was too young to understand what he was uttering about and misinterpreted it as 'somebody who walked on moon, like astronaut." However, the music of the song, "Black or White' kept lingering in my mind after first listening to it, I was only eight. Of course, I was too young to understand the lyric and what not. My perception about Michael Jackson at that moment remained as : "an astronaut who sings well, but was regarded as a freak by my parents."

Many years later, I turned into a troubled teenager. One day, I saw his 'The Earth Song' MV from TV. It stroke me. The video and the lyric were just purely fascinating. I hated the world that time as I thought that nothing in this world seem to be fair and I bore grudge towards all of the human species. So, the song just clicked easily. After that, I tried to borrow his songs in whatever forms from different sources, and also checked all of the songs' lyrics online (I am thankful for the invention of Internet!). Finally, I was able to understand the meanings behind those songs;he was trying to vent all the frustrations and injustice by his powerful voice. That was definitely hard and he was the first one who have done it so well.

His problem with plastic surgery aroused my curiosity. I obsessed with analyzing people's behaviors for a period of time so he became the subject I constantly googled at. Then, I got to know his background, his sad childhood and abusive parent. There is always a reason behind. Parents always are the one who has full power to shape the kids.

Perhaps, he never really loved by anybody. Perhaps, he never get to know his real identity, perhaps, he belonged to the stage but he got lost in it.

Obviously, he was a victim of his talent. Probably his soul is happy right now as after the exposure of his scandals, this is the only time the millions 'fans' climbing out from every corner of the planet, mourning about his death with media covering all of his achievements and good deeds.

How about the family who fights for money, property and children custody?

Well, it's a regret, I guess. An icon who owned the world;his life was like the shooting star.

'Man In the Mirror', 'The Earth Song', 'Black or White', 'They don't Care about Us' and 'Bad' are my top five favourite.

Go listen. They are the best! By the way, I scratched my car's back at the day he passed. This is just random, I don't know why I am bringing it up here.

Good Quote for the day

The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any

more than black people were made for whites,or women for men.

~Alice Walker, "The Color of Purple"

http://www.liveexportshame.com/what_is_animal_welfare.htm

Sinful. Sinful. Humans are evil.

槟城

好久都没有那种提起相机到处捕捉镜头的闲情逸致了。不知道为什么, 很长的一段时间, 即使身处异地、置身于人间美景, 我也可以不为所动; 处之泰然的放弃收集珍贵回忆的一切机会。

就在五月一日劳动节的那个周末,我竟意想不到的重拾了到处捕猎美景的兴趣。住在槟城的好友盛情邀请我到她家一同共度假期。我想了一想,与其在金宝独自一个人孤苦伶仃, 倒不如去探望一位多年不见的特别朋友。安排好了交通，我就兴奋的在劳动节前夕向槟城出发，开始了我的探友叙旧之旅程。

距离上一次的拜访已有十五年之久，因此对于槟城的记忆并不清晰。这次有机会旧地重游，我还真的是获益不浅叻！模糊的回忆里记载着槟城是座历史悠久、繁荣蓬勃的大城市，殊不知浓浓的英国殖民地气息还是在槟岛里处处可闻。很多街道上的路牌都还是以英文命名；古老的英式建筑更是遍布满城。

更妙的是这里以华人居多，各色各样的民族文化更是显而易见。很多古色古香的高龄中式老屋都被视为文化遗产，列为历史古迹。中西极端的交流促成了一种强烈特色。尽入眼帘的百年景观还真的有点让我惊讶！心中不禁好奇着一百年前的这里什么人曾经入住过，他们遗留下了什么样的故事。

废话少说，照片自有解释。

极乐寺，攀登宝塔、香汗淋漓。

睡佛，虔诚膜拜﹑点一盏合家灯。

风水屋，中华精髓；老旧教堂，歌颂天主；娘惹纪念馆，文化交接。

鲜花、娇艳；海湾、祥和。

槟城美食多，鱼腥味逼人的‘拉沙’叫我不敢恭维。‘沙士’味的红豆冰却令我赞不绝口。六块钱的昂贵炒粿条带不出一点槟岛招牌气息。令人最感动的是和老友相聚的时刻。谢谢你喔，芊芹！

成年老酒的芬芳永远令人回味无穷。

Somewhere over the rainbow

No matter how time changes, he will always be the only one contestant, who is able to impress me that much. The thrill still rises from my heart after listening to his version of the song for more than 100 times.

It is plain beautiful.

I am touched.

决裂

从来没有想过一位至情的家人竟然可以这么无情。

就为了一个停车位，他竟然对我大喊大叫，还动手打我。假若妈妈没有动手阻止，我可能已经倒地了吧？自小到大，原来我无论如何的尊敬和崇拜及对你好，你完全没有察觉。你残酷的以怨恨回报。我毅然的发觉所谓的亲情真的是假的。我真的怀疑，世界上还有任何真的东西吗？

手腕上的血痕隐隐灼痛，但是这一切比不上心头的撕痛。棰心泣血这句话我常用，但这却是第一次真真切切的了解到那种感觉。现在，我开始讨厌这句成语，真的很讨厌。

我想起了小时候我们在花园里一起捉蚯蚓的时刻，还有你骑着脚车载我到处兜风的时候。我们一起嘻嘻大笑，在夕阳西下的时候一同回家。那一切都是真的，但这一刻的我却无法相信。 可能很多我们的回忆都是我在绝望痛苦中自己捏造出来的吧。

我们的情已尽。我还天真的以为亲情是唯一无条件永恒的。我真的太幼稚了。

我彻底绝望。原来，一直以来，我都是孤单的一个人。

My kiddoes

Remember those times when you and your classmates requesting to shoot a class photo with the lecturer or tutor at the end of the school semester?

I never thought that I will be the 'lead character' in a class, standing in the center;appearing as the focus of the whole picture.

So, a semester ended, in the twinkling of an eye.

Gosh! I couldn't believe it. Without any relevant experience, I stood in front of the students, teaching them about something that I wasn't so sure of. Surprisingly, I made it and most of the kids 'seemed' to be able to appreciate my guidance. (Well, on the surface, only God knows what they had been talking about behind my back, hehe, I was a student not too long ago, I know how they are!)

Anyways, it wasn't a bad semester, the journey yielded a harvest of wonderful memories. It was the greatest sense of satisfaction so far! :)

Mother's Day

Recently, my friends have been talking about celebration for this coming Mother's Day. As usual, I will be away from home during this special occasion; I won't be able to join the bandwagon in getting bird nest for mother or dine out with my whole family at a restaurant. Sheesh, what a shame! Anyways, like what Lampfly said,

"I think this kind of occasion is not really relevant. The utmost important thing is to be nice to your mother every single day, then only it's real."

I guess at the moment, I will need to believe that statement in order to ease my heart! However, her words made sense, I guess.

Being a mother is the toughest job in this whole universe, we have to be grateful and thankful toward the selfless person who brought us into this world and devoted herself entirely in raising us up. Talking about motherhood, suddenly I remember that I had some sort of similar experience in that area. I was a 'mother' of five!

Memory came sudden and swirled, once in a blue moon, the passed moments would pop out in your mind, reminding you about the days you thought you have forgotten. My previous counselor told me that aupair will just be one of the passers-by for those children, it is hard for them to remember anything about the aupair after a while; however, the kids will remain in the aupairs' heart forever owing to the care and real love provided by the caretaker.

When you are so used to 'give', that's the time for the real love to grow inside your heart.

Recapturing back those times, it could be really hard. Nonetheless, be it the goods or bads, fortunate or unfortunate, I am able to just laugh about it right now as I got to know more about life through the role of a 'mother'.

That kind of precious experience won't be able to repeat and seriously I don't want to have it repeated, too! It is just nice to have it once.

Anyways, Happy Mother's Day to all wonderful mothers in this world! :)

The Haunting

I stay at the so-called dorm/hostel near the school I work with as it is fully furnished and easy for me to get to my office everyday. Even though I am surrounded by students and paying more than the market price over here, I still like it here as it is safe and convenient if you compare to other places.

After residing here for several months, I realize that something just does not seem to be right.

Please have a look at the picture below:

This is the building right behind my room. I took the picture from my room's window. The building is empty as none of the students occupy the rooms for some reasons. In fact, the building looks no different from mine; however I have witnessed some abnormal phenomenon for quite a few times.

The empty rooms, normally the left one on top and also the right one at the first floor would have their lights turned on at night for no reasons. It doesn't happen everyday but just once in a while, generally on weekend when everybody here have gone back to hometown for family time.

No, nobody is staying there and I do not think that the people from the management office or security guards would go there in the middle of the night to just 'enlighten' the rooms.

It was a Saturday late night when I fist discovering that, I was curious at first, wanting to find out if anybody had moved in but obviously, there was no sign of new tenants since the windows were still locked. It was spooky. I pulled the curtains and continue marking the paper while the heart was pumping fast.

Then, my mind ran wild. I started imagining about 'something else' that might be staying there then.

As expected, I had a sleepless night. Though luckily, so far nothing scary took place (*touch wood/*knock on the wood).

Generally, the lights would go off 'automatically' before morning. I braced up myself to make a 'close' observation' through the window two weeks ago. The lights went on from 11 something at night.I turned in around 3am, the lights were still on. There was no noise, no shadow, nothing, just pure silence with lights.

Sometimes, I think I am superstitious and overly imaginative. I should not think too much and I have never killed or inflicted death on anybody. There should be nothing I shall worry about.

Many unexplained complications hail from the heart.

想当年

今早悠闲的准备上班时, 一位失去联络了五六年的朋友竟奇迹般的捎来了一些亲切的问候语。我有些惊讶； 受宠若惊之感不禁油然而生。

在短短的几分钟客套话之后，一段断了线的友谊在瞬间得到了重生的机会。我们聊着彼此的近况， 不约而同的为对方的生活感到高兴。谈话间也不可避免的触及了昔日的同伴们， 因而获知了不少令人意外的消息。时间过得好快，岁月真的不饶人。大家在毕业各分东西失去联络后的变动真的很大。不过，值得庆幸的是多数的人都还过得不错；唯独当日年少轻狂的赤子之心已荡然无存。但是，一同拥有的疯狂回忆总有些会记录在泛黄青春期的某处吧？很多时候我们只需要花些心思打开记忆的按钮，抛在脑后的往事就会一幕幕浮现。

这位‘奇迹朋友’我至七岁那年便认识了。我们入读同一间小学之后升上同一间中学，都被分配在同一班。高中毕业之后也选读同一间大学﹑更住在宿舍里的同一层楼。认识了这么多年，和她感情最好的时候却是在初中。 那时傻傻的她会很早到学校，呆呆的我就会特地早去上学，然后和她坐在食堂里天南地北的乱谈一番；她也会特意从学校顶着大太阳步行到我家，让我帮她胡乱设计发型。当时的我们拼了老命的要耍酷而滥用发胶和吹风筒。不过，说真的，有时候效果是不错啦！

当时的我们还热衷于创意设计鞋带，我们会利用课余或上课的时间交换心得，分享我们看到或意外研发的‘最酷’鞋带绑法。我们也会和另一些同样轻狂的友人一起讲别人的闲话﹑像傻婆一样的乱笑﹑气哭老师﹑逃课﹑挑嬉书呆子男生及参与很多‘阿莲’少女会做的事情。不过，我们可不是什么都不会的‘飞女’叻！我们这群人可都是精英班数一数二的人才哟！叛逆的心应该每一个少年人们都有吧。更何况我们并没有杀人放火， 成绩还是好好的，老师们才拿我们没法子嘞！

感情既然这么好为什么会失去联络呢？

说实话，我并不清楚。可能这就是人性吧！

记忆中，我们从来都没有什么冲突。小小的不悦与争执自然难免但若要到积恨而远离彼此的地步绝对没有。仔细的想了想，彼此的隔阂是从大学开始，那个时候大家都有了新朋友， 开始了不同的生活圈子。距离因此而来。大家应该都在猜忌，觉得人人都变，变得不在乎旧朋友了，不再需要对方了。就这样，把手一放， 珍贵的友情掉了。

然而，我们当时并不觉得可惜因为年轻的我们总认为没了这个朋友没关系，我还有一大群新朋友叻！至到有一天，人生开始有了历练，自己的心里才会发觉友情真的是酒，好酒越久越醇。要拥有二十个嘻嘻哈哈的朋友很容易，不过要找个了解你并拥有共同回忆的人真的比登天还难。

朋友告诉我她和往日的同伴那天还驱车去我中学时代住的旧家，想要找我叙旧， 不过找不着因为我早在几年前搬了。我听了真的吓了一跳，我真的重没想过在经过重重误会﹑重伤和多年后的今天还有人会记得我。内心难免有些感动。

她说她很想念我妈妈所煮的糖水和点心，我嘴角顿时往上扬。

心里觉得暖暖的。

人最需要的是学会放开一切的怨恨。就记得那些美好的部分不就够了吗？

这是我和我朋友的故事，与你共勉之。

这个夜晚

这个夜晚有点痛。若你问我有多痛？ 我无法去衡量。只知道自己呆呆的坐在地上， 傻了似的看着湿湿的瓷砖。

眼泪流了好几个小时，从眼角一直到脖子，没有间断过。感觉上好像很难过，不过无法哭出任何声音。

四周又很不巧静静地，真是另一个容易让人感到惆怅的时刻。

那天刚看完由江角真纪子所主演的《爱情革命》，觉得女主角在剧中所说的一席话特别有意思。她道：

“每个女人的鞋柜里总有一双不合脚的鞋。这双鞋往往非常美观但是在逼自己穿上时却非常不舒服﹑脚趾和脚更总被磨破而疼痛不已。 但是，女人却绝对不舍将它丢弃，天真的相信在多穿几次就会合脚，结果双脚白白受罪了好长的一段时间。最终，固执的女人还是会把鞋子留下，因为深信并等待着那虚幻的‘总有一天’。”

人真的很喜欢自欺欺人。

没人比我更了解我自己。我只要把悲伤流露出来，睡个好觉， 明天依然是美好的。

Five Years

Recently, several people shot me with the same question--" So, what do you see yourself in five years?"

The Question seems to be simple but actually it is not easy to answer. It concerns about your future plan and what you would like to achieve in five years. Obviously, everybody think that I am OLD enough to have a decent plan for myself, in terms of direction in life and also career development. I wasn't able to give the answer right on the spot, my mind raced in search for correct answer, wondering about the BIG accomplishments I ought to have after turning 30.

However, the people who questioned have their goals set in their mind already. As such, they are able to list down whatever they want to achieve in five years while I was doing the thinking.

My colleague, Nen, is a very pretty lady. She is 27 years old at the moment and is busying planning to get married with someone special before turning 30. She said that she is yearning for a settled life, having own family and stable career. As such, her vision in 5 years will be getting married, having a happy family with some children and then maybe furthering study in PHD so that can have a greater promotion at work. However, right now she doesn't have a suitable life partner yet, so she is working hard to get one. Though, I don't think she will need to worry about anything because her cute face can simple attract guys to got in line, waiting patiently for the chance to date her. But, the problem remains since it is really hard to get the RIGHT one nowadays.

My silly housemate, Josephine , who is also 27 years old, happens to be the luckiest woman in this world. She is married to a husband who treats her as if she was the utmost precious diamond in this whole universe. Having a fulfilling and wonderful marriage, she noted that in five years, she would like to obtain her PHD title so that people will address her Dr. Kuah. Besides, her ultimate dream is to open a big private kindergarten where she will be the principal, handling the management and business but not teaching. She would hire a lot of young teachers to do it so that she can earn a lot of money in a very relax manner. Meanwhile, she can start planning having her own babies as it will be easier for her to just place the kids she has at her kindergarten after raising them to a certain age. She can be hilarious sometimes but she is a undoubtedly a very persistent fighter. In this case, I think her vision should not be too hard to achieve.

Dr. Yeoh, the great assistant professor claimed that he would want to become a real Professor in five years, earning more than 10K salary every month and enjoying life at a nice foreign land like New Zealand. Well, seriously, for someone as experienced as him, the so-called plan is just a piece of cake. His salary is very close to 10K right now. In addition, he has a lot of experience teaching overseas. His qualification is good enough to be accepted anywhere in this world. So, again, for him, this is something that will definitely happen in the coming future. He will certainly achieve his plan in five years.

How about me?

I think at my age, which is not that youthful anymore, I should have some 'mature' plans in life, too. So, after thinking for a while, I think I have a list of things that I would like to accomplish in five years so that I can be whom I want to be afterwards.

I would like to first, obtain a master degree from a good university so that I can officially being promoted to lecturer. Secondly, I would like to clear all the debts I have, I owed a huge sum of money to government, friend and also family members. Thirdly, I want to sponsor my parents to trips, at least once a year besides able to give them some pocket money every month. Forth, I want to settle down, too, get married and have my own family but no kids yet! Fifth, I would like to pursue my PHD after my master degree. Sixth, I want to realise my 'flying' dream-- fly high in the sky. Yeah, travel at least once a year to foreign place, let's start from Japan!

I think, my plans are a bit not realistic. Anyways, somebody told me that we have to always set the goals high so that when we couldn't achieve the vision completely, at least the result we have won't fall too far away from the goals we set at first.

So, let's start from the first step, furthering my master study! I have been planning and working on it! Wish me luck.

How about you? What do you see yourself in five years?

Whatever you have wished for, I believe that you can do it, just trust yourself and look up the self-fulfilling prophecy theory! Yeah!

一封信

给一位特别的朋友：

我知道你不可能会上来我的“布洛格”读这封信。你应该不知道我有这样的一个‘自我’空间。但是，我还是很想把心中的一些话写下。不为什么，也许只想记下这特别的一天。

谢谢你对我的绝对信任与依赖；虽然我压根儿帮不上任何忙，却万分的乐意借你我聆听的耳朵。我并没有资格给予任何肯定对的答案因为事事都没有绝对，我们都处在一个灰色地带， 所谓的对跟错只有我们自己可以定论。

今天听到了你有所决定，我真的很为你高兴。虽然很有可能你在通知我的下一秒就开始再次犹豫﹑举棋不定，可是，无论如何，我还是要献上最真的祝福。这可是你在向我倾诉了一段日子后第一次有了一个明确决定，所以这算是一种进步吧？

人都要经历很多才能有所成长，而你在异国奋战的这几个岁月里肯定能明显的发现自己心态上的改变吧。我虽然认识你有一段时间了，但真正和你的心有点靠近却在不久前。很好笑叻！也许是那充满人体极限挑战的艰难夏季给了我们友谊升华的一个机会吧。不过，我们真正的心灵交会却是在我回流后所得到的意外收获。你让我应証了真情无界限的道理，谢谢你喔！

无论如何，在你做下慎重决定的这一天，我在我狂妄的个人空间为你记下了这一页。梦想一定要去追求，但不要坚持用同一种方式。很多时候，盲目追寻的当儿我们却忘了就在弹指间的幸福。

我帮你立下一个新目标—‘二零零九年的你一定要在做下决定后获得重生，体验真正的快乐’。

相信我，这真的不会很难。加油。

一位奇怪的朋友，
诗笳 敬上

keep flying

The best thing about staying at a deserted area which is super far away from home is, you can save a lot of money because you won't be able to travel back to home as usual as others. You save a lot from gas.

So, at your spare time, especially during the weekend, you tend to just hop in car and drive around the town that has nothing to offer. It is hard for you to spend money when you can't even find a theater or any other decent shops around the area. As such, I think I am richer than those who will just simply pass by ten big shopping malls on their way back from work.

You are so freaking free on the weekend, to a stage where you start developing 'weekend phobia' because you will be the only soul in the whole house, left with nothing to do and nobody to talk with, besides grazing on notes, preparing the coming classes and getting pissed at some old maid who is clinically proven to be a psychopath.

Then, you started to question yourself about the decision you made about accepting the job and moving here.

Though, recapturing the moments I have in class and also some lovely students that I have, I realised that it was a right decision. I love teaching, I love the attention people have on me when I speak in front of the class. No, I am not an attention whore, I just love the feeling of sharing my knowledge in front of the kiddoes who are interested in learning.

I am thankful for accepting the offer because in someways, it helps me to obtain the direction in life. I like to teach and I really enjoying sharing experience. This is a Good sign since I am approaching the age of 25, it's time for me to have a clear vision in life while bearing the plan to settle down.

However, the other part of mine still remains as a bird without legs, yearning for the chance to fly high around the sky, having no destinations and no where to stop.

Though, legless bird will end up dying young, out of exhaustion and starvation. It does not sound like a pleasant outcome.

But, there are times I couldn't help but wonder, isn't it a wonderful way to end your life after witnessing all of the greatness in this universe?

疯了

最近疯了。

每天对着一群群明明年龄和我相差不远，思想却有着十万八千里之差的稚气孩童，我真的觉得我在这一个月里老了三十岁。

日复一日的以长者身份谆谆善诱，分享知识与人生经验，犹如一个花甲老人对着围绕在大树下的孩儿述说故事。搞什么呀？就在不久的之前，我不是还在舞厅猛喝烈酒，疯狂乱舞吗？怎么现在回想起来好像是一个世纪以前的事了？

我真的好老。左邻右舍不是资深讲师就是博士狂人，天天一起吃饭哈拉所谈的不外是学生表现和深造，没法子再和任何人一起畅谈什么明星，服装和人生小秘密了。我真的需要一点除了学术上以外的消遣。

四周住满了莘莘学子，出去丢个垃圾也得换衣，深怕被某某某撞见，到学校大做文章；一些稍为年长却尚无对像的绿眼妖怪也会对我的打扮评头论足，尽搞些幼稚的小动作。真的很令我作呕。哎！女人何苦为难女人？尤其是那些老女人特别奇怪。哦！我也是老女人一个吗？可能噢，但至少，我不是变态野蛮的老剩女。

不过，说真的，干这一行的，还真的有很多单身贵族。是因为人生的大半辈子都花在很多的文凭与论文的关系上吗？还是因为学历高而自命清高，眼睛长在头上？依我看，应该是只会读书而不会和人沟通吧？

我不知道，最近生活真的有些极端。

不过，我还蛮喜欢目前的生活，只是希望可以在下班后跳出 '老师' 的圈圈。

相信我，我真的不是一个只会说教的老人，我曾经也是活得很精彩的！T_T

Home?

So, I have been home for almost 6 months. I was overjoy at first because seriously, I missed my family and also my homeland a lot. I know it might not be the best country in this whole universe, but since I grew up here, I thought this is a land where I can call 'Home'.

When I was away, I missed my hometown miserably- I missed the food, I missed the people, I missed the language, I missed the sense of belongingness.

After struggling for a while, I am able to get a proper job. Even though I am really far away from my family right now but still, I am doing something that I enjoy doing and earning decent money. There is nothing much to complain about.

However, after completely returning to my original identity, I am really not happy. I am not sure if this is somewhere I belong to anymore.

Recently, I am really disgusted by the chaotic situation here.

So, there were this group of youngsters who behaved like those uncivilized jungle men from Amazon river, yelling at one respectable leader who was on wheelchair, surrounded him and put him into totally helpless situation, used bad languages on him and then pulling people who were trying to help this leader to get into his way.

For some reasons, the BUNCH of guards or securities people were too WEAK to stop anything, allowing a man with dignity to get humiliated.

Then, some extremely 'brilliant' elder leaders stood up and defend the younger group, saying that they did nothing wrong and will never apologise even though their action were caught on video, uploaded online and viewed by millions worldwide.

Some extrememly barbaric behaviours like 'threatening' through certain object were being repeated for times.

A female leader's naked photos were exposed to the public by her previous boyfriend from a different race. The boyfriend haven't got caught yet and actually to be honest, he will NEVER get caught. Some clever people pointed their fingers at the victim, urging her to resign.

One reputable local newspaper decided to highlight the naked photo issue at the front page, thinking that it was a 'scoop' that was going to rule.

There were people who keep playing racial cards, and then keep accusing innocent decent folks creating chaos among races.

A man who was accused of stealing car were suspected to be abused to death when being detained.

There was violence involved at certain demonstrations, but nothing being covered by mainstream media.

There were loads of raping, killing, robbing cases, nobody really care to take any action. Victims were condemned for being not careful.

Those who shouldn't be jailed were jailed, whereas those who ought to be locked were eating lobsters in fancy restaurants.

People who should lead are fighting over power among themselves, forgetting about why they were being selected in the first place.

It is really easy to 'buy' a particular person. She will imitate a frog, jumping here and there after being paid a certain amount of money.

A local talent who was admired world wide were criticized and attacked for thousands times after being forced to apologise for creating a certain song.

Millions of talents are working for foreign countries that appreciate them because we don't care about the ability of employees here.

I used to be proud for who I am, as I thought we were a unique nation in certain ways.

Nonetheless, I won't 'day-dream' anymore. It's been 52 years, not 2 years. Nothing has been improved and nothing is going to. So far, from what I have seen, we are walking backward, heading back to the cannibalism era.

We are eating each other raw, shredding each other piece by piece.

Completely hopeless.

Let's move away...

the most beautiful watermelon in this whole universe

Wonder

In order to prepare my first research method class for tomorrow, I flipped through my previous lecturer notes 5 years ago. Fortunately, I decided to keep some of the related notes of certain subjects which I thought to be precious, else I won't be able to use them as reference right now.

So, reading through my notes, I was like on a time machine, travelling back to the old days in lecture halls. I still remember,the lecturer of the subject. She was a very special religion freak who had done her study overseas for a very long period of time. Anyways, I did not have a good time during the classes she conducted because I never like math related subjects in my entire life, whereas research method is basically about using formulas to analyze data gained from different kind of researches.

However, luckily, the mathematics and formula involved in the subjects were not too complicated. I did not do well at the mid term test but was able to catch up later and then excelled at final exam. Actually, I owe a big 'Thank You' to my pal, Lampfly who was willing to guide me when I approached her for the problems. She left her handwriting in my notebook, correcting my mistakes while reminding me to not repeat them.

Besides, I found a copy of her mid-term test paper from my folder. She was kind enough to allow me making a copy of her 'intellectual property' as a reference to the relevant answers.

Looking at her tidy handwriting, I felt a sense of familiarity.

How time flies. Not too long ago, I was the one who sat in the hall, busy copying notes and listening to the professor. Now, it's my turn to teach the college kids in research method? Seriously, I couldn't believe it myself.

I miss my old friend. Sincerely, I wish that everything goes well with her.

As for me, I wonder if I am able to take the job. Sheesh.

Raise A Chicken from Egg

I was doing some random browsing online and then out of the blue I came across the picture at the left from http://www.lonelism.blogspot.com/. The picture was kind of cute and the 'caption' wan my chuckles so I would like to have it appear in my blog; as a memory, record or something.

That was good because I feel incredibly weak right now. At least, the little funny man under gloomy cloud has eased my heart in some way.

I know that I will feel better by tomorrow but at the moment, somewhere in my heart just does not feel right, I need somebody to be here with me right now.

Perhaps, this is another symptom of anxiety for moving again. Normally, I would hide it, only those who are really close to my heart will be aware of that. Seriously, I am thankful for whatever I have right now; I am blessed with a lot of exciting stuff in life. However, I am definitely stressed out by various 'enormous' transformations in life within this two years. I kept flying, moving, changing, adapting in completely foreign atmosphere. The cycle went on and on for A LOT of times; they are 'numerous' and 'frequent' enough to drive somebody to a nerve-wrecking point. Needless to say, I have been always pretty much on my own.

I have guts, I am independent and I am tough in someways. Though, I really hate the feeling of dealing all the problems by myself ALL THE TIME. I remember there was this evening, I went berserk sobbing, yelling and crying to somebody, questioning about his position and the basic dedication he was supposed to contribute. That was a scary one. I never yelled and cried and cursed so much in my entire life before. Plus, I was driving when doing that, so almost met into car crash and died on the road at some random unknown rural area.

Yeah, it can be spooky when I go crazy. But, it won't happen so much in life.

I think I am just tired sometimes. Believe it or not, I just want my life to be simple. The real happiness can only be found through simplicity.

I am still helpless. Though, I feel like I can deal with tomorrow better now.

Good night.

白日梦

近日生活稍微悠闲的我抽空看了一片买了许久的电影光碟——《手札情緣》 英文又名‘The Notebook ’ 。 开始时我只想要打发一个无聊的午后， 对这部片子压根没抱任何寄望。我以为这只是另一出高唱“天长地久，海枯石烂”的普通无聊爱情悲剧。 当初之所以会花钱买下也只是因为它被归类于‘清盘销售’的角落, 价格不可置信的便宜。
十五岁之前，我相信永恒，信奉爱情，崇尚浪漫不切实际的电影情节。在疑惑的青春期过后，我开始知道戏剧和现实的差别，逐渐对那种天真得一蹋糊涂的爱情片近而远之。抱持着这种先入为主心态的我却在电影开始的第一秒钟被深深吸引。

这是一部改编自著名浪漫作家-尼可拉斯．史派克的同名之作。《手札情緣》 的故事其实并不突出，中心围绕着穷小子爱上富豪千金被禁止的恋爱；在无奈被逼分离之下又怎么排除万难与七年后破镜重圆。尽管剧中主角的缠绵镜头拍得如梦如幻，惊天地并泣鬼神，那样的剧情还真的是千篇一律叻！但是，它的越人之处就在于开场时那位不断重复朗读相同的爱情故事给失忆老妇聆听的年老男主角。

身患失智症的妇人忘了自己亲爱的子女和一同破除万难才得以在一起的丈夫，医生断定她绝对没办法复原。痴情的丈夫却绝不放弃，坚持搬迁至相同的疗养院，每天读着他们的爱情故事给妻子听。他所期待的是在朗读一百次相同的小说给爱妻听之后，偶尔她会有清醒的两至三分钟来认回丈夫。之后的第四分钟就会把至爱推开，视同陌路，精神崩溃。

深爱妻子的老人最不能忍受的就是在一分钟温暖的拥抱后就被大力推开， 终于在那么一天，他心碎了，看着医务人员安抚着歇斯底里的爱人，他扶坐于床沿，放身大哭。那一刻的绝望真的是刻骨铭心。

随后，老人独自的翻阅那本他每天朗读的笔记簿，原来他的爱妻在得知自己患上病后就尽快持笔记录下与丈夫的爱情故事，吩咐他在自己忘掉一切后要每天朗读给她听。在本子的第一页，她写下了如此一席话：

“只要你读给我听，我就会回到你身边。”

读到这里，你可能会很不屑的发出一声冷笑，说道：“还不是那种浪漫爱情戏？还花了半天说你不喜欢叻！不要假假啦！”

我是真的觉得在某些方面这出戏真的有些特出，也或许是纯粹被感动吧。我还是要申明， 我真的很讨厌那种现代娇情虚假的电影！

在《手札情緣》结束后，我的脑海浮现了另一出我自认为凄美的爱情电视剧-- 《解连环》 这是一出很久以前新视所开拍的短篇电视连续剧。

其中演员并不特别好，演技也属一般。但是，我在几个月前又旧剧重看还是非常喜爱。我想我应该是迷恋于那种前世今生的虚幻情节吧! 剧中男女主角投胎转世三生，各在不同阶段化成拥有不同际遇的不同人物，却誓要和同一个人相爱到底。 然而，他们的命运如何自有天安排，结果怎么样？就是那老套的一句：“天意呀！”

也许不论在如何理智、成熟的女性心底总是有一些天真烂漫的幻想。尽管自己在怎么鄙视商业化的虚假爱情电影的当儿，总会有那么几出是能够触动你的心悬﹑赚你几把眼泪的。

女人，你真是一个梦想家。