Brokeback Mountain

(photo taken from: http://www.wjzone.com)

Oh, I guess it is pretty late for me to talk about the Oscar movie like ‘Brokeback Mountain’. (Chloe and Tasha had their film reviews weeks ago and yet I am only ‘going’ to talk about it right now. :P)

Nope, it’s ok, as I am not here to make comments about the award-wining film. I love watching movies, especially when the contents are related to some controversial issues or the films are not covered with thick commercializing values. In this case, I love ‘Brokeback Mountain’. I love it from the bottom of my heart, not merely because of the hot characters in the picture or the debatable story line. The meaning captivates me, yes, the hidden agenda behind the film is a bravo message that touches my heart, even at the moment I am typing this post…

In one of the interviews from presses, Ang Lee noted that, "I am not making a homosexual movie. It is actually a film with a meaning for everyone. Everyone has one ‘Brokeback Mountain’ deep inside his or her heart. But, none of us really dare to climb up the mountain, explore the scenery and new experiences…until someday, when we are thinking of discovering the untouched mountain, we might miss out something…" (I translated his words based on my memory, so forgive me if I interpret it wrongly in some senses, sorry ya!)

Like what I have told Tasha, I couldn’t smile for few days after watching the movie as the story lingers in my mind. In the movie, Jack blamed Ennis for not trying to build a new life with him so both of them were left with Brokeback Mountain, the only space that was truly belonged to them.

Isn’t it true? If Ennis accepted the offer of Jack earlier, Jack might not be beaten to death. However, some of you might argued that the same thing will happen even they have their stay together because the society at that period of time did not allow the existence of homosexual. Aha, you must be like Ennis for having a thought like this. Ennis refused to try as the scene of a gay being killed brutally haunted him. Ennis’s father was the blood-curdling killer, who didn’t have guilt when taking his two sons to see the mutated corpse. Due to the passed experiences or the similar cases that took place around us, we tend to have shadows and taking a simple route in search of solutions – ‘ESCAPE’ like a coward.

Without guts, we won’t be able to climb the mountain, as we are worrying if we will fall, we will get hurt and whether we will die. Many people have no balls to fight for one self, taking the easy way to remain at the current statues quo, which seems to be the safest and tolerable within a conventional social context. Since the result is unpredictable and filled with uncertainties, Ennis could have doubled up his stake, staying with Jack like couples, true couples, under a ‘real’ roof that are meant for them. Even if they were still going to die, at least, well, at least they would have the memories, of leading the life like normal passionate lovers openly. Maybe it would be a better ending than smelling at the deceased’s shirt and shedding down tears hopelessly.

My friend, Lampfly cannot accept the story. For an extremist like her, homosexual is something sinful and disgusting. She claimed to be disturbed by the love story of two guys in Brokeback Mountain. :p hahha, it’s ok, some people just couldn’t take spicy food. That’s fine.

Chloe and Tasha love the movie, as much as I do (?? Maybe!! :P), I suppose. I loved the story very much and I was wondering if I am having a Brokeback Mountain in my heart, like what I asked Chloe after watching the film,

“Maybe I have one Brokeback Mountain in my heart, like Jack and Ennis, so I could feel a certain connection that touched my heart completely…”

She startled and then laughed like crazy. Obviously, no answer from her…

Haha, no worries, my friends, I am definitely not a lesbian. I love ogling at hot guys more than anything else. :p hehe… I am perfectly normal. Nevertheless, I guess I have something in my heart, which makes me inclusively into the story of the two cowboys…

Jack told Ennis at their last meeting in the mountain, "you know what? Sometimes I miss you so much and I cannot stand on it…”

That’s a famous quote in the movie. I guess I know his feeling when the words uttered from his mouth. His affection and emotion displayed are nothing more than helplessness and despair. He was trying to float on the sea, but he failed and drowned…

I understand his sentiment; completely… it’s like catching vapor with your palms. You knew it and you could feel it but others don’t and they wouldn’t agree or believe that you have caught something. Finally, you started to doubt yourself, due to their judgments and suspicions…

Brokeback Mountain- It speaks to my heart…

Lost

How is it feels like when you are losing something? I had that kind of experience before. When I was just a kid, I lost my favourite white teddy bear. I misplaced it somewhere when I last played it with my cousins.

At the moment I couldn't get it and held her in my arms, I was anxious, nervous and in turmoil. I ransacked the entire areas within my home; pestering my mum by asking her where was my bear, over and over again, until she yelled at me loudly and threatening to spank me. To me, the bear was my precious baby, when I lost it, I felt like my entire heart became empty. I couldn't cry, I lost myself in my own mind. Deep inside my heart, I could hear my myself crying badly for my little baby. I was in agony and went silent for days. Anyway, I looked calm, just found it hard to have an ease of mind in whatever I was doing.

Finally, weeks after weeks, I covered the sadness in my heart as there was nothing I could do. I had my smiles back. However, I stopped touching my other toys since then, refusing to talk or discuss anything regarding the teddy bears with my small friends or cousins.

One particular day, when my mother was cleaning up her room, she found my bear. He lied under the closet, quietly, displaying no emotion when I got him in my warm embrace. At the moment I touched him in my finger toes, I burst into tears. I cried and cried and cried, until my mum had to coax me with candies.

Sometimes, when you are totally hopeless about something, couldn't even see a glimmer of light, which means that your heart is having its dead end. Nonetheless, rememeber that some miracle might happen. When you are having that kind of surprise out of the blue, I guarantee you, you will be filling with emotions, You couldn't speak properly and your heart would split into two, rising into the sky with their invisible wings.

Your worries all gone in once. Relieving, you would feel like you are getting lighter, as the big stone that was pressing your psyche is wearing off.

Yes, the tears would drop as there isn't any distressful emotion, which you intend to hide.

You are emotionally and spiritually revived or regenerated.

Great, isn't it?!

Aging!

One sunny day, Chloe and I had lunch at the worst eatery in Section 14. The weather was burning hot; the sun was radiating warmth, which killed majority of the humans at the hawker center, mentally, I mean. :p The evil sun light forbade others to stand still and I couldn’t help but imagined myself soaking in a big pool of ice cubes…

After ordering her fried ‘Kuey Tiaw’, silently, Chloe sat in front of me. None of us had the ‘spirit’ in chatting. We were badly ‘burnt’ by the miserably hot weather. We were thinking of scrambling for the food with our big mouths and then shoot off.

Suddenly, Chloe stared at her right side firmly. At first, I ignored it; I thought she was ogling at a group of hot guys. However, after one minute, she was still looking fixedly at the same direction. Naturally, I found it weird and moved my eyesight to her right.

Nope, there weren’t any striking man with well-build muscles. “Could it be several sexy chicks who dressed to kill?” (This thought definitely plays in your mind right now because both beautiful and sexually attractive males and females would attract attentions! :*P) But, hell, no! It was a group of middle-aged working ladies who had their bites during the lunch hours at that messy eatery.

Scratching my head, I asked, “ Hey, what are you looking at? What’s so special about them?”

Chloe, "Chia, I am scared. Within ten years times, we are going to look like them. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to wear thick make-up to hide my wrinkles, neither do I going to wear those flowery long skirts nor carrying ‘auntie-like’ handbag! What to do, what to do?” Chloe stated, with her vacant eyes, searching for some consolations from my pale face…

Having another glance at those ladies, I was panicked. I imagined myself dressing up like them, wearing thick make-up, which turned my face into that type of zombie’s complexion, but still, there are cracks all over the corner of my eyes, lips and forehead due to the spreading of unfixable wrinkles … Hell, I don’t want that to happen to me, I will never dress up like an auntie, NEVER EVER! Sadly, the truth is even if we wear like a teenager, we are still getting older. This is a fact, we are getting older, day after day, years after years…

Remember the time when you were only 15 or 16? Who cares about aging? We had plenty of youthful years for us to waste, we were so naïve and proud of our age and felt like we could grab everything with our smooth and soft palms…but, now, I am 21 years old and I start to worry about Newton’s theory of gravity, so much, until the grudges toward apples getting deeper and deeper. Aren’t you afraid of it? My friend Protocol does.

Two years ago, once, Protocol gave me a ride to school. She was listening to mix.fm in that ideal morning. The song being played at that time was Avil Lavigne’s-‘Complicated’.

Protocol asked, “ Eh, what song is that har? It sounds nice, who is the singer?”

I replied, “ Avil Lavigne. She is the hottest female rock star at this moment in America. She is only 16, even younger than us!”

Out of the blue, Protocol turned completely insane. With her hands holding the steering, her eyes opened wide, glancing me with her stark bewildered gaze, which is filled with bloody red veins and helplessness. She yelled her entire heart out into the air.

“Chia, what are we supposed to do? Once upon a time, everyone was older than us, now what I have been hearing is that this girl and that girl is younger than us, HOW, HOW! HOW!”

I was frightened. I was worried that if she was going to pull out the entire steering as she was grabbing it with her whole inner strength. My life was in her hands. Luckily, she was comforted by my sweet and white lies.

“Nope, you are still young and pretty. Be obedient har! Nothing actually, this Lavigne girl is younger than us, but it’s all about the age. You know lah, those Caucasians all look much older than their real ages. We are still younger. No worries. Now, be good girl, drive gingerly ya…”

Finally, I was able to coax her and calmed her down with my angelic sweet words and smiles. That incident took place two years ago, when we were only 19 but aging had been our greatest enemy since then… in fact, I have constructed a picture in my mind of what I am going to look like in the coming ten, twenty or even thirty years. I would like to share it with you all:

What is your feeling after looking at the above pictures? The first is my own picture, which I took months ago whereas the rest I collected them from members.cruzio.com, http://www.mgwis.com/, and http://www.sorrellmcintyre.com/. Those aging pictures might not really resemble my outlook but these are the samples of my steps in aging. Scary, isn’t it? Yes, before constructing the photos, I thought I will go berserk after getting the entire image but I didn’t, fortunately.

I admitted that I was down after putting myself into that big picture of aging process. None of the humans in this world will be willing to have ugly old face, loose and dry skins, wrinkles, white and thin hair, damaged body figure and weak cognitive abilities. Nonetheless, who could stop themselves from that? We can never escape from the curse of losing our youth, so, let’s face it naturally.

Let’s make it this way, without the aging process, we wouldn’t gain experiences and wouldn’t have a wide and varied world views and we will never realize the joy of young age… hahah…sort of like comforting one self, I guess this is the only way to ease my pain. :p Hey, you! Don’t laugh at me. Are you getting more and more reluctant in admitting that you are turning one year older before the exact day of your birthday? Even if it is 11.59 pm, you would still regard yourself not getting any year older. At last, the clock’s ticks bring you to another brand new day; you fall into another age range. Finally, you are frustrated, grieving and shrieking curses to the heaven! :p I know you have been doing that, admit it lah!! :p