Season in the Sun

Q & A

2011-04-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

今天从表妹的部落格里读到这个 Q&A 游戏，忽然觉得很好玩，所以就在这里复制了：

Q:最近最开心的事
A:家里养的两只小仓鼠越长越可爱逗趣。

Q:最伤心的事
A:老家闹得鸡犬不灵，妈妈每天都生气伤身。

Q:最生气的事
A:尝试借个耳朵倾听两方面的故事，却被一个没脑的恶心泼妇公开指责。

Q:最近关注的话题
A:如何赚大钱。

Q:最近倒霉的事
A:吃午饭时把牛油玉米倒在老板娘身上。

Q:最近看的戏
A:Family Guy

Q:最近在干什么
A:记录自己的故事。

Q:那现在有什么打算
A:赚很多钱然后开间自己的餐厅

Q:目前最大心愿
A:妈妈快乐起来。

Q:最近不爽的事
A:死八婆还是住在家里。

Q:最近最爱吃的东西
A:美基快熟面

Q:最近看到最让你觉得有道理的一句话
A:把生命意义托付在他人身上你永远快乐不起来。

Q:最近想买的东西
A:DSLR，可是没钱 (和表妹的答案一样！)

Q:最近看过的书
A:My Horizontal Life -- Chealsea Handler

Q:最近常说的口头禅
A:人与人的相处真的很难。

Q:最近暗爽的事
A:花钱买的维他命和保养品真的很有效喔！

Q:目前的理想型
A:有钱的老实人（作梦）

Q:如果你有超人力，你要做什么事？
A:把我的家人心地变好，多点包容和良心。

Q:退休后有什么梦想？
A:在西藏修行；尘归尘，土归土。

Q:最想去的国家
A:老挝

Q:如果有机会看到一个名人，你希望是谁？
A:Eminem，要他在我的屁股上签名。

Q:觉得自己哪里最有魅力？
A:乐于助人之心？

Q:最讨厌被问到的问题？
A:你打算以后要干什么？

Q:你觉得生活美满吗？
A:不错，如果妈妈没那么生气的话会是完美。

Q：最不想看到自已怎样的样子？
A：变肥失业落魄贫困。

New Year New Year!

2011-01-14T16:20:00.000-08:00

This is the second week of year 2011. Again, we embrace another new year with open arms. Scratching our heads hard, we try to recall our accomplishment of the passed year. Most of the times, the memories just do not serve us right. Our mind went blank when recapturing. Well, at least that's what happened to me. When this has became a trend, I start taking it as a sign of aging.

I am old. When filling in forms and survey, I realised that I will have to check the column of 26-35. Some of my friends started covering the truth about their ages, refusing to show the year of birth at 'facebook' and some other public profile. I was tempted to do that for once, but 'pretending to be young' is really not my cup of tea. Thus, proudly, I told everybody that I am turning 27 this year. What's next? 30? I am not afraid as I believe that I will continue to grow and when I reach my thirty, I will gain stability in terms of my personality, career, finance, family and relationships. So, it seems like I am looking forward to that stage of life?!

Human memory is a funny mechanism. The process of storing a particular moment into our brain involves a big group system with different roles to co-operate and function accordingly. It is definitely a brain-wide procedure. Somehow, this remembrance section of my brain is facing some rather critical problem; I can hardly remember numerous specific points in time even after being reminded - the people, the faces, the conversations, the laughters and the tears... They sounded really strange to me. Perhaps, my rusty memory system is completely filled up; the capacity limit does not allow a bigger storage.Ironically, my toddlerhood memories keep coming back to me in dreams;relating the stories of my growth. Quoting the viewpoint of Annie, the artist whom I admire for bouncing back jauntily from the setback in life:" Every adult has an inner child in heart. We should acknowledge its existance and hold it in loving clasp."

In some indeterminate point of time, we get elder and more mature; we are totally independent and strong enough to support ourseleves, suddenly, we yearn for a shoulder to lean on. The feeling of being secured in the cradle and playing with teddy bear is just tantalizing. To a certain extend, I guess I can fathom the factors for some people to go crazy over paraphilic infantilism. The most tremendous experience for a mankind is when he is loved, carefree and gingerly protected by everybody in the surrounding.God, I really miss that sensation.

Anyways, let's go back to reality. Year 2010 had been a truly challenging period for me. All of my major and life-changing decisions were made in the passed year. I resigned from my previous good job, moved out from my comfort zone, pressing reset button in a foreignland, staying under the same roof with a family from different culture and social class, being assigned with another role and status, accidentally ended up working with a company that manufacture and merchandise cargo control products and last but not least, spent a lot of money to get my eyes fixed! Recapturing the experience, I break into a cold sweat, again. Not saying I am special or better than everybody out there, but, I do think that I have guts and is always spontaneous. My heart is up for any adventure and uproar in life. Try me!

I do not really have any new year resolution or passed year evaluation. As a summary, the greatest thing that happened last year was my laser eye surgery on December 24. Even though it burnt a big hole in my pocket but I never regret. I feel like I have been reborn with a new soul. My new perfect eyes with n contatc lense or glasses around is the best thing that ever happened to me! Even though I did not really like the surgeon Dr Abraham Shamman that much, but I do thank him sincerely for being professional and skillful enough to grant me with my 20/20 vision!

As for this new year, I am looking forward to achieve success at work place, going back to school and most importantly, maintain close family relationship with those I love dearly.

Wholeheartedly, I wish everybody Happy New Year. May you all work your way to your dreams.

Classes

2010-12-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

Generally, society is formed by three level of classes: upper, middle and working class. When they are arranged in the pyramid form, the upper class will be placed right on the top, following by the middle and lower class. Like what you all can see from the system rooted in our marginalized society-- the rich remains prominenetly high but minor;the group is normally those successful entrepreneurs, senior professionals, intellectuals and sharp businessmen. Middle class is formed by diligent young woking adults who graduated from college whereas lower class is the unfortunate ones who are less educated and need to work hard, especially physically to earn money for survival.

Being born in a theoretically unpleasant family, my parents were not educated properly. Thus, I grew up as a complete working class. I could never afford any of the luxury in life no matter how hard I try. However, it doesn't really bother me too much because it is impossible for people to get all the best things in life. I was granted with an insanely devoted mother who make sure I have better opportunities. That's way more than I could ever ask for. As such, I am always thankful.

After obtaining a college degree, there are some slight improvements in terms of my monetary status. Anyhow, I am still pretty much a lower class who cannot afford a lot of unnecessary daily expenses.The cruel fact bugs me once in a while but I never thought that it will be a big deal. Working hard and live moderately have always been my motto and I really like the idea.

I don't need:

1. A humongous house with balcany, backyard, garage dan fancy interior design, situated at a high-class' area.

2. Pure breed dogs and cats that require constant maintainence and huge amount of food.

3. Elegant glasswares or tablewares and pretentious etiquette for guests during ostentatious dinner.

4. Vacation house for getaway usage.

5. Advanced technology for household chores management.

6. Big and luxury cars.

7. Grand vacations to europe.

I prefer to:

1. Live in a small but warm cubby-hole with no pretentious decorations or setting; cut down the time and hustle in maintainence.

2. Handling the basic househodl chores myself.

3. Eat on a table with no fancy glasswares and rules with close friends and family members, mainly serving some unhealty food and homely meals that made by my own parents without having to follow any restrictions in behaving.

4. Not having to use stupid washer and dryer that ruin my cheap but nice-looking clothes.

5. Have ample of spaces for me to hang my hand-washed clothes and spaces to store my stuff according my own rules of organization.

6. Not having carpet and wood furnitures in the house or anything pretentious that will store grease and smell of cooking.

7. Have my own kitchen with the storage of numerous Chinese/Asian food that are 'poisonous' but easy to fix and delicious to consume.

8. Go on cheap but enjoyable budgeted holiday trips.

9. Just freaking be left alone and not being forced to act like an 'upper-class' because I am not fucking from the caste of 'Brahmin'. I was raised as 'Pariah', I squat down and do my business in the bathroom and I am happy to remain that way.

10. Be myself and don't give a fuck about what others think.

Ironically, I remember last time when I was a teacher in class, I discussed the social classes topic with my fellow students. The result of the discussion in that tutorial: peopel should only marry and interact 'among' their social class in order to have a permanent relationship".

As the leader of the discussion who elaborated on the mentioned topic, I failed to act upon my belief.

I am not born with a golden spoon in my mouth; it is pointless to feed me with one right now. Ugly duckling turns into elegant swan story only occurs in fairy tale.

A&C

2010-11-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

I hailed from Planet C; you come from Planet A.

We decided to unite, residing at Planet A. But, that doesn't change the fact that I am from Planet C.

You want me to live in Planet A, think like people in Planet A, just like the way you do, refusing to even get to know Planet C. You think that everybody should live like you and you rolled your eyes seeing others living their life in a different way. You think that your way is the right way, others are just being ridiculous.

You are just hiding under a big well, seeing the world underneath the well.

You will have to take the responsibility;you are no longer a kid or a prince from your lala highclass land.

Grow up before you lose everything.

Trick/Treat?

2010-10-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

"Trick or treat, smell my feet.
Give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I won't be sad.
I'll just make you wish you had!"

This is definitely not my first Halloween. However, this is the first time I get to experience the celebration, by carving my very first Jack-o'-lantern. Look at the one at the first left. That's my piece of art work. Please don't be too critical! This is my first trial!

Then, we put candles inside the pumpkins, light them on... Gentle and moderate light radiates warmth in the darkness...I love this scene.

Finally, 'trick or treat' night, we must have a big bowl of candies ready for the kiddies in costumes. Ok, I have to admit that my lantern looked childish and silly. But, who cares?! They functioned well by showing little Batmen, Spidermen, Supermen, Zombies and Princesses the way to get their treats!

So I guess, mission completed! Happy Halloween! :p

Family tree

2010-10-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Supposedly, majority of the living creatures in this universe are created by two parties, which are named 'parents'and at the same time, being raised by at least one of them before gaining the ability of independence.

Comparing to other species, humans are more fortunate as they are given the brilliance to set up a more structured system -- 'family' in the process of supporting one another, both mentally and physically. Though, not all them are showered with real happiness;numerous of the unlucky ones are constantly taken over by clouds and rolling darkness.

Of course, living itself is a humongous obstacle that we will have to deal with;but, if you are blessed with a pair of folks who are loving and devoted, it is more likely for your life to be filled with laughters, especially when facing difficulties. In short, joy only co-exists with parents and pure dedication.

I do not really belong to the auspicious group. My chilhood memories were formed by the puzzle pieces of sadness. Anyhow, I was still favored by fortune to a certain extend, for being born as my wonderful mom's daughter. Her big heart and selfless love sheltered my brother and I from the agony of the tough living situation. Her classic motherly smile always shone in the sunlight, radiating with the magical power to turn things alright.

Somehow, life is treating me really well and occasionally, I really do not think that I deserve that. My mother is my favourite person in this planet but sadly, I am really far away from her at the moment, nonethelss, I am granted with two kind souls that treat me like the way they treat their offspring. I must have done a great deal of benevolence at my previous life to be able to be bestowed with this kind of relationship.

Let me introduce my second most favourite parents in life: Douglas and Eva.
Thank you for everything. The scent of the chicken broth and apple sauce and also the concern I have gotten still linger in my mind. I am really happy to be accepted as part of the family. If we describe family as a tree, parents will be the strong root that provide and support the plant in growing strong.

In spite of that, I have a simple and direct definition of family:

F- Father
A- And
M- Mother
I- I
L- Love
Y- You

26

2010-10-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

A blind man may sometimes hits the mark; a stopped clock is correct twice a day. Occassionaly, it is good to act like a sightless person as a perfect vision and proper deliberation do not guarantee a fruitful outcome.

I am a timid woman who detests changes. Ironically, in spite of my hatred towards uncertainties, I seem to be born with the destiny to deal with all the unpredictabilities in life. Well, come to think about it, this is probably the result from the path I have chosen. When you choose the path less travelled by, you will have to expect a wild wild adventure.

I have turned 26 last September this year. The numbers sound strange for me as I have lost track of time ever since I turned 23 three years ago. A friend asked me on my birthday celebration this year: "Now you are 26 years old, do you regret the absent and the loss of your early twenties or actually look forward to what and where you are going to be when you turn 30 four year later?"

"30, of course. It's good to be youthful, though the pain of growing up is something that I never want to repeat. I am glad to be who I am today and totally working towards becoming a better human being as I get older. " I replied. An answer which hailed from the bottom of my heart.

The year of 2010 is ending. Personally, I like to do the countdown by referring to the season and festivals. This is the month of October, we are going to have Halloween on 31st. Then, Thanksgiving is coming in autumn, at the month of november. Lastly, the last month of the year, December, Hanukkah and Christmas celebrations will wrap up the year. There goes 2010, Goodbye! Hopefully, the new year will be better!

Anyhow, this year is kind of an interesting one for me. Major changes all took place at the same time. I was over whelming and suffocating . I am still coping and adapting but obviously, there are some obvious progress. In life, we have so much to learn;identifying the goal and striving towards it is the only way to avoid disorientation. Somehow, I am blessed as when I got lost, I have a guider to show me the light, at the end of the tunnel. Honestly, I am thankful for that.

First time in my life, I live my life for myself. Regardless of what others have to say, I am happy with my decision, so far. There are uncountables obstacles and predicaments coming in a long run, eveyrbody can forsee them. However, faith can really move moutains. There are ways to walk through the problems rather than avoiding or running way from them, as long as you put your heart into it.

Many years later, I am pretty sure that I will still brim over with joy, recapturing this decision, even if it fails because at least I have done my best to fight for it, instead of shilly-shallying, worrying about the outcome and allow the fear or 'what if' to stop me.

That will be a major regret that I never ever want to have. I adhere to my principle; I am proud about that.

Briskly, cheers for life, hurray.

泡泡

2010-09-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

昨天下午，忙完了生活上的琐碎事，我悠闲的拿了派对后剩下的肥皂泡泡到后花园去，对着西下的太阳吹起了泡泡。

简单的肥皂泡泡游戏可是我孩童时期最爱。每当路经商场，我总会拼命的求妈妈买一瓶；当然很多时候都不能得逞，但偶尔母亲大人心情好而又有一些剩下的零钱时我还是会得到一小瓶。小小的我那一刻的心情总是雀跃不已，非笔墨所能形容。

连串成堆的泡泡被夏风吹起，大大小小的在橙黄的夕阳下飞舞；一颗颗看似透明的小圆球微微的泛着亮丽的彩虹颜色，和反射着玻璃窗的光芒交织出戏剧化的场景。就在那一刹那，我看见了七岁的我和相差一岁的表妹及邻居像蝴蝶一般的在花丛间追逐、时而停下吹起手中的泡泡…时而不知所云的哈哈大笑！童年的快乐真的只是在弹指间垂手可得。

犹记得庸懒的星期天早上，爸爸总会在刷牙前挤牙膏时把我叫到跟前，让我吹起在牙膏口管上冒起的小泡泡。还在上幼儿园的我总会异常兴奋，第一时间冲上去，小心翼翼的把牙膏泡泡吹移至空中，看着它慢慢飞动，然后露出没有门牙的傻笑。在旁的爸爸看着我，嘴角总是往上扬。

窝心温暖的感觉就只是那么一瞬间。它们就像廉价的美丽泡泡，当你正开始景仰那一刻的美丽；它们就在空中破裂、化为乌有。

很多时候，幸福真的只是泡泡，如同幻影━漂亮却捉摸不定。如果没有捉紧时机欣赏，一切都会立即消失不见。很想问一句，没有努力捕捉那一刻的泡泡，你有后悔吗？

就算有，悔过真的已经来不及了吧？

?

2010-06-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

Vows. I wonder what they mean.

SeeYou

2010-06-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

I am gone, again. Bye bye! But, I'll be back!!

吴哥窟

2010-05-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

五月中旬去了一趟柬埔寨，目睹了世界古老的七大建筑奇观之一 ━ 吴哥窟。从没想过会有机会到此一游，机缘巧合之下来到这里，发觉身边的一物一景都美得不像话。随手一拍，忍不住捕下了近千张照片。当然，我不会把所有的图像放上来，随意的挑了很少的几张来和朋友分享、顺便记录这个非凡的心灵之旅。

十二世纪的建筑和文化自然奇特得不在话下。它的美，沧桑得有些诡异，真的让人有一点无法想象。至于那市中之人更是带给了我很多启发性的思想。对于我来说，这仿佛是一场生命探索的旅程。旧时代的人们崇尚神明，认为他们主宰了生命的一切，因而用尽了一生来奉献、膜拜。这些惊人的建筑和雕刻是最好的证明。精致万变的女神雕刻处处可见，但是，此行最大的收获是发现了原来幸运的人儿身边都有一位女神来守候保护他们━ 这位是我的幸运女神，你找到你的了吗？

最后在这里小小的介绍这间非一般的民宿，若要有一个不同于旅客的经验，就尝试让它来帮你当一回起步的自由旅者吧！你不会后悔的哦！

Sunset

2010-05-10T00:51:00.001-07:00

Before checking-out from school completely, I would like to upload this post from my personal office, for the very last time. This is my last chance to sit here and type. I want to mark this moment down, place it as part of my memory in life. It is sad but this is the time to say goodbye.

I will depart with a big smile and thankful heart...Thank you for everything... Thank you.

老师

2010-05-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

你有没有遇过那种让你一辈子都不会忘记的良师？

读了这么多年的书，我知道肯真正为学生献身的老师犹如凤毛麟角，但，我却很庆幸自己在求学生涯中还是很幸运地巧遇了一些真的对我人生很有启发的老师；对此，我仍旧抱着一颗感恩的心。特别是在投身于大专教育这一行后，我发现了各种不为人知的荒谬黑暗处后更了解到好的老师真的是可遇不可求。所以，如果你在人生的阶段中曾遇见那么一位有意思的长辈，我真的要说这位客官您可走运了！

我并不伟大，也不是什么会为学生出生入死的老师；很多时候还很懒惰，批改数百份考卷和作业时常常会很想大哭一场、然后再把课业撕掉。可是，我一直把自己想象成一个无助的学生，把角色调换来思考学生所需。我并不是说我比其他人厉害，只是我有限的人生经验教会了我将心比心、己所不欲，务施予人的道理。所有生物共处于一个地球、吸同样的氧气；这世上没有谁比谁优越的道理。

就像你们所说的：这真的是一个很沉重的再见。但是，很无奈，人生就是由很多不同的 “嗨，你好！”和 “拜拜” 组成的。在你们忙着谢谢我的当儿，我要感谢你们教会了我很多课业外的东西、造就了我美好的金宝回忆。

我以老师的身份要你们给我好好读书，考个上等文凭；更以益友的身份要你们多多保重。你们一定会有一个比我还要璀璨的未来。

First Time

2010-04-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

First Punjabi suit in life, it was tailor-made and definitely not cheap but I really like it.

I may not look good in it but screw that! As long as I am happy with it, I guess that's enough!

Thanks Juejun for bringing me to this shop at Ipoh. :-)

贱兔拖鞋

2010-04-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

这是我人生中的第一双卧房拖鞋，购买于二零零三年的三月或四月。实际的日期我忘了，只记得这是我第一次离家求学、入住校舍时妈妈给我买的。

我家总和贫穷摆脱不了关系，第一年的先修班不能借钱，我又坚持不上中六、不削国立大学，妈妈因此而头疼不已。她东奔西跑想破脑袋去筹我第一期的学费，我忘了她去向谁借钱了，不过在一番辛苦后她总算借到了第一学期的钱，当时真的有一种饥寒交迫的感觉。但是，不懂事的我竟还和朋友逛街，买了一些无聊的小玩意而惹怒了妈妈因此而被骂得狗血淋头。现在回想起来我真该死！

之后准备行李搬迁去吉隆坡，妈妈又花了一笔钱买了好多必需品，在百货公司里，走在她身后的我突然瞧见这双可爱但要价近三十零吉的卧房拖鞋顿时停下脚步看了一会儿。敏感的妈妈发现后就问我是不是喜欢想买，我摇了摇头直说太贵了。她二话不说取了贱兔走向柜台还钱。

那一年，年纪不到十八岁的我在文良港念着大学先修班，初次离家再加上三百六十度的生活转变压得我透不过气；软弱无助的我终日郁郁寡欢，上完课后只要一回到宿舍关上房门我总会很没用的独自流泪。记忆中，滚烫的泪水连串滑落时我的脚上总是紧紧地被这双贱兔拖鞋包裹着；泪水汪汪的眼睛盯着白白胖胖的兔仔，心里挂念的是远在家乡的妈妈。

度过了极不快乐的一年，课程完毕后我带着贱兔拖鞋随着其他同学搬迁至繁忙的八打灵闹市正式升级为大学生。由于开始适应了游子生活，也有了一些比较合得来的朋友，接下来的三年过得还算不赖，但是我浓重的思家之情还是挥之不去。只要稍微一得闲我就会飞也似的奔向我最恨的富都车站乘搭快巴回家；哪怕只是少过四十八小时的周末我也照回不务。

是的，当时的我一直希望可以永远贴在妈妈身边，感觉那一份温暖无私的亲情，就是那么的简单。

在像流星一般闪过的大学生涯里我仍旧日日穿着我的贱兔拖鞋，并定时每两个月清洗一次、细细的呵护。毕业后我带着它回家，妈妈嚷着我把它丢了，我抵死不从，洗干净后好好的放入抽屉收藏起来。接着我突发奇想，启程远渡重洋的流放，拖鞋依旧乖乖的呆在原位两年。这期间，我和它分开了多于十万里路；心，漂流在太平洋。妈妈最需要我的时候，我浑然不知，那么差一点的就要愧疚终生。

两年后，我以败者的形态归来，休息一阵就收拾行李、携带着被忽略了两年的贱兔独自上首都工作，三个月内又只身北上，投入另一份行业。间中，贱兔拖鞋一直紧随着我。

屈指算来已经七年，我的贱兔拖鞋早已松弛变宽、无法紧紧包围我的双脚了。我还是无法狠下心来把它扔掉，妈妈重重的关怀我无法丢弃。在我很小很小的时候，妈妈喜欢和我一起做剪报。我们从‘南洋学生’里选择文章剪下、贴在厚厚的剪贴簿里。她会坐在我身旁对识字有限的我细细朗读文章，印象最深的是一篇叫“爸爸的草鞋” 的作文。作者在结尾终结：

“爸爸的草鞋是船，它承载了我们的喜悦与悲伤。”

现在想了一想，我倒想说：

“妈妈的贱兔拖鞋是家，无论身在何方，它都用爱将我包围。”

我已独立长大，不可能永远待在妈妈身边。假若我即将再远行，这一次我会把拖鞋带走，但把心留下。

我的心会守候我生命中最重要的人，不会再让历史重演。

The Road Not Taken

2010-04-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

I learned about this poem back in high school's English literature class. For some unknown reasons, I was totally fascinated by it. I would like to dedicate this to my dear friend, Lampfly who is going to set off for another journey in life.

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

*No matter where you are, I always keep you in my prayer and sincerely wish you all the best..

捕梦网

2010-03-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

近来一直被噩梦骚扰，很难才可以睡个好觉。梦境中反复见到很多不好的人和事，导致起床时昏昏沉沉的，心情极差。

恶梦是人类潜意识里的讯息，你的担忧与恐慌都会化成黑暗的录影片，在你夜晚睡着时于脑海里播放、尽情的用你最害怕的结果来折磨你；让你即害怕又疲惫。

素来，我都很喜欢各类民族的文化传说，印第安人血淋淋的被压迫历史至今仍紧紧的揪着我的五脏六腑；但是，有关于捕梦网的故事却不断的为我带来丝丝的浪漫味道。

我床前的捕梦网没法帮我夜夜捉住美梦，也没有保护我免受恶梦袭击，但是我还是习惯在临睡前看看它，总相信自己会一夜好梦、翌日心神舒畅。

捕梦网终究只是一个美丽的符号，心灵上的健全往往才是赶走夜魔的良方。

If only I could

2010-03-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we can never turn back time. But sometimes, some people, some buildings, some memories just wouldn't stop bugging your mind...

If only I could turn back time, I would have one more 'Chicken Teriyaki Bowl' at my favourite Japanese restaurant. This will remain as a dream forever, the restaurant was sold to some Koreans since few years back.

Shigon Tairo, you are the best sushi master and boss ever, whom I will remember for life. Thank you, and I miss you, I really do.

Insane Trivia

2010-03-02T07:39:00.001-08:00

Trivial incidents that occurred during tutorial classes recently.

*********************************************
#1

One minute before the presentation of her communication research proposal...

Student A: Miss, I want to inform you that I didn't include the section of 'Literature Review' into the proposal.

Me: Why? Are you planning to just explain it verbally during your oral presentation?

Student A: No, I don't know what is 'Literature Review' and I don't know how to do this, so i didn't include that part.

Me: Do you know that that section occupies 10 marks in total? If you don't include that, I will need to mark you '0' at that section. Why you didn't ask if you don't know since the beginning of the class like week 1? This is week 7 already! You just realised that you don't understand 'Literature Review' few minutes before your presentation? When you start writing your research proposal? This morning?!

Student A: No, not this morning. I started yesterday night...

Me: Have you ever attended my class? I have been teaching you all about this since week 1. I circulated the samples, outlines and important handouts. You witnessed your friends' presentations and heard my comments at all?

Student A: (silent*Looking at me idiotically)

Me: So, how can I help you? What you expect from me? I can't give you any mark if you don't provide this part. You are going to fail in this assignment for sure. Do you want a second chance?

Student A: (silent*Looking like a total retard)

Me: Ok, I will give you one more day for your assignment then. If you are able to submit another complete copy tomorrow morning, before 10.30am, I will mark you solely base on the new one, pretending that I never receive this assignment today.

Student A: (expression changed dramatically) HuuuHHHhhhhhhhhh.... Miss, that means I have to work on it today and then submit it by tomorrow morning?! Too rush!

Me: ... Anyways, if I don't receive anything new from you tomorrow morning, I will mark you according to this proposal and you are going to fail.

****************************************
#2

After two oral presentations, I was confirming with the students about the number of presenters and the total number of assignments that I was supposed to receive. Then, suddenly...

Student B: Miss, in fact, I am supposed to present today but I didn't know it until the beginning of today's class so I cannot present or submit anything today.

Me: What?! Why?! What happened?!

Student B: I don't know. My friend never told me about that so I didn't know about that until just now.

Me: This is week 7 already! The sequence and date for presentation was fixed since week 1. Everybody received a copy of the name list at week 2 and now you are telling me that you know nothing about it at week 7, right on the day you are supposed to submit your assignment and do your presentation?!

Student B: I really don't know, my friend never told me. I attended all of your classes...

Me: So it's not your fault for not knowing things that are going on in class, your friends will have to bear the responsibility for not informing you about your own due date for assignment?

Student B: ... Can I present next week?

Me: If you want a second chance, I can only allow you to present at other course's tutorial class as there's a schedule that must be followed. So, next Monday, 8am at this venue, if you were late or don't show up, I will fail you right away.

Student B: Ok...

*********************************************
#3

Three hours before my next research method class, I was getting the documents ready in my office. Two students were knocking at my door...

Me: Yes, may I help you?

Student C&D: We are coming to see if Miss has time to check our proposal for us, we are not sure about the points that we have included.

Me: Sure. (*start checking, commenting and guiding them in writing their proposals)

Student C&D: So we only have Introduction and research questions right now, the rest of the three chapters we are not sure what to include, can you please give us some guidance?

Me: Sure. (Explaining to them what are the important areas and points that they will have to include and elaborate). You all will have a lot to work on then, when will be your presentation? I hope not this week because you all will need a lot of time to write the following chapters and also make the relevant amendments.

Student C&D: Actually, we will present at Miss' next class, after three hours.

Me: What?! Then how are both of you going to do this? Skip your next class and just simply insert some irrelevant points inside? Why do thing last minute?!

Student C&D: We are going to skip the next lecture for other subject and try to work on this proposal. We have just came back from East Malaysia from Chinese New Year holiday yesterday so was too tired to do assignment yesterday.

Me: (WTF) Good luck and see you all in class then.

********************************************
#4

I was sitting in the office, scratching my head hard, thinking about the mid-term test questions at week 9. My cell phone rang, I received a text message --

"Miss, are you free to talk now? I want to tell you that I cannot finish my assignment on time and I think I won't be able to submit the proposal and do the presentation later in class."

Immediately, my heart sank. I was pissed. No reply being sent for that ridiculous message. After one hour, *knock*knock.

Me: Yes, what can I do for you.

Student E: (*looking embaressed) Miss, I sent you a text message a moment ago, have you received it?

Me: Guess so. So what you want to tell me?

Student E: I haven't complete my assignment, I cannot submit it by today and I won't be able to present later in class.

Me: Why?

Student E: Because I do things at very last minute. To be honest, I started writing the proposal only yesterday night and there are a lot of parts and information that I don't get. I cannot do it.

Me: Why you only do it last minute? Your friends do not have this problem, they handed in their assignment before the due date. What's your problem? You been busy with something else lately?

Student E: No, I am not really busy, nothing much going on in my life. My friends are not as lazy as me. I don't know what happens to me this semester, I don't have the mood to study and I cannot focus at all, this is entirely my fault and I can blame nobody. I am a procrastinator and I have to bear the consequence.

Me: Ok, so what you want me to do?

Student E: I wonder if you will allow me to present next week in class? I don't mind if you deduct 50% of my marks because this is my fault. I am just asking for a chance to submit my assignment.

Me: hmmm. Ok, how about that? This coming Thursday I have another research method class. If your time table allowed and you can make it on time, I will allow you to present. I won't make things hard for you by deducting 50% percent of the mark, I don't think you will have a lot of marks for me to minus after all. It sounds fair for you?

Student E: (*hesitates)Yeah, but it doesn't sounds fair for you, Miss.

Me: You are a student, still, so I give you another opportunity. If you are working right now, probably you will get fired. I just want you to not repeating this type of mistake later in life.

Student E: Thanks, Miss...

********************************************************

Around 4 years of gap in age, but gigantic difference in terms of attitude. Generation gap?! What's the roots of the problem? Parents? Friends? School? Society? Media?

Totally insane!

Though, I kind of like student E in someways, at least he admitted his mistake and showed his regrets. He had the guts to take the responsibility and bear the ramification of his action.

There are hopes, maybe!

二零一零年

2010-02-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

姗姗来迟的二零一零年第一篇博文：

一张全家福，恭贺各界新年快乐、万事如意~！

虎年行大运！

Bad Joke

2009-12-23T04:57:00.000-08:00

Out of the blue, I miss this somebody. Even though he has serious rage issues but when his emotion is stable, he can be really sweet and loving. He once told me a kindergarten level joke, which was really retarded. However for some reasons, at that moment, I laughed until my entire heart jumping out of my mouth.

He asked me, "What peanut butter says to a bag of hazel nuts?"

Me, "What? 0_o. Don't know."

He replied," You are all NUTS!!"

Me,"(hysterical laughing for 2 minutes)."

He can be a real sweetheart sometimes, using his tardo's way.

Hey you! Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year...

Dreamland Avatar

2009-12-20T05:03:00.000-08:00

Avatar, it was a beautiful incident in that magical afternoon. Three hours in the theater, my eyes were badly burnt as a result from the unconscious abnormal cut down of blinking. Those were the moments in life where you did not feel like letting any 0.1 seconds to slide out of your vision, as each of the tiny little time-scale carried incredibly breathtaking pictures that you will never want to miss.

18th December 2009.

I thought Avatar was just another typical Hollywood movie with the excessive use of special effects and commercialized idiotic "fighting aliens" kind of cliche story line to attract the marginalized member of the society. Though, part of my heart still kept the hopes up as Avatar was written and directed by the gifted movie master, James Cameron. He created the "Terminator" and "Titanic" legend, which is irreplaceable in all humans' history.

After the three spectacular hours, I shall say that the self-proclaimed 'King of the World' made it again; he utilized the advancement of 3D technology to invent an enthralling fantasy planet for the viewers world wide, sending them off to a captivating journey that we secretly hope would last forever.

The plot remains simple- A group of ruthless and greedy people craved for the pricey mineral that could only be found at the planet outer space,'Pandora'. However, there was this aggressive native alien species, Omaticayan that occupied the area. Scientists successfully cloned the 'Avatar' of themselves, mixing with humans and the native DNA so that they could link to the 'Avatar' and breathe at the planet of 'Pandora'. They tried to gain the trust of the natives for different reasons. Scientist, Grace wanted to study the ecosystem of the mysterious planet whereas the representative of the Resources Development Administration, Parker and the colonel, Miles tried to determine the strategy to deal with the locals so that they would move and allow the humans to snatch their mineral. Jake, the soldier who lost his legs in war was chosen to replace his deceased scientist brother, Tom owing to the necessity of matching DNA , to connect with Tom's Avatar. Then, Jake travelled in and out two worlds, learning about Omaticayan, seeing the forest from the native's eyes, went through a soul-searching experience, fell in love with the sexy Na'vi princess and the mother nature.

I do not intend to write a review or comment about this film or the acting, as there are millions of professional movie critics have done that already. I am just an amateur blogger and movie-goer who is totally under the Avatar's spell and is driven by the urge to jot down this piece of feeling. Cameron was meticulous in his presentation of the fairyland, 'Pandora'. According to Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman created by Gods. She was always curious so one of the Gods decided to test her by giving her a jar which was beautiful but evil, something that was forbidden to be opened. But, She could not resist her strong curiosity; she opened the jar and releasing all the evils of mankind.

Avatar's Pandora was as seductive as the Pandora's box. Everybody would be tempted to open the enchanting cover even being warned about the potential risks well in advance. It was like a real wonderland that we always dream about at night. We all have this little fairy-like space that we would like to be in but we could never reach. We cannot even picture it out as such a dreamland never existed on earth before;this is completely out of human's ability. Hence, this piece in our heart was clearly presented by Cameron, this wizard with his magical hat brought us the brand new kind of "Alice in the Wonderland" experience.

The fairyland unveiled the evil side of mankind. Selfish people destroyed the native's homeland to rob the resources. The greatest irony was how Na'vi people were labelled as 'savages' by Parker as they were not educated and leading tribal-based life. How about those so-called 'civilized' humans who intrude others' land, killing billions of life, destructed the entire region and nature, just to steal and exploit the minority. Isn't it something that never stops happening ever since the begining of our great 'civilization'?

Pandora was a wonderland. In the fantasy, everything that we wish for can be true. Jake was able to walk, run, fly and even appeared as the hero who saved the entire nation of Omaticayan, despite the fact that he was paralyzed in human's world. He was blessed enough to be brought to Pandora, experiencing the real humanity with real loving people. Since Jake's fantasy became real, of course he would choose to stay in it, who will be able to refuse this kind of offer?

Sadly, the dreamland soley belongs to the movie. The ugliness of mankind remains inevitable in real life. That might be one of the reasons for people like us to pay willingly, even for more than once, just to imagine the "running through forest, the wind in my head and the sand at my feet" kind of careless and free life in the dark dreamy space.

Sometimes, it is really depressing to know that we only have rights to dream when we sleep at night.

闲想

2009-11-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

近期手头上没有工作，我顿时从上学期的焦头烂额状况速降成现在的绝对无所事事。说实在的，我是真的很不习惯这么黑与白的极端。同样闲暇的同事们则不亦乐乎的投身于自己的兴趣﹑旅行与计划工作；我却因为先前的失算而僵持在原状，持续地在这里徘徊，浪费生命。套一句老话：还真的是“人算不如天算”。

人只要一得闲，思绪就会跑得很远。就这么不经意的，脑海出现了前所未有的七级大地震﹑激烈的震荡翻起了远古时候的记忆。仿佛爬着无止尽的梯级，我想起了两岁时小小的我偷偷地踮起脚尖，望着在摇篮中熟睡的表妹。再往上踩多几层，我看到了在幼儿园上课，体弱多病的我，不断盯着在窗外等待我考试完毕领我去看医生的妈妈。记忆不断衍生，我好像回到了小学那个爱欺负同学的年代。接着是初中、高中﹑大学﹑流浪漂泊以及正式上班的日子。回忆一飘不过是几分钟的时间，真正的人生一晃却是二十五年。假若有幸活至七十岁，我已走过了多过三分之一的人生。这么一路走来，虽然还算有幸运星的庇护，但也绝不容易。经过了重重阻挠，我猛踩着数不尽的过错与无知，慢慢把自己扶上正轨。

那天无意间读到了一位我喜欢作者的文章，她说道：

“如果听到陈年旧事在背后喊你的时候，也别真的回头看。这些无论是否开心事还是令你生气的事、不管是不是属于能令你懊恼的事还是能够让你笑的事，总之过去的就算了。如果真的回头望，看到了平静那还好；万一看到了自己之前的无知笨拙肤浅不成熟愚蠢丑陋黑暗自私无聊不堪的一面时，自己无法相信无法接受自己，可能还得即刻出钱出力，找个地洞钻找个医生整容或找张机票有那么远就躲到那么远去，别继续留在此地丢人现眼...”

我真的有所共鸣。

对于我来说，人生最困难的事不外乎是卸下责任，忘记不堪的从前原谅自己。

笨过也就算了，错的人与事就把它们抛在脑后，用未来烧了算。剩下不到三分之二的生命不要再重犯旧误才好。

Two Films, One Theme

2009-10-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

'Hito ga hito o ai suru koto no dôshiyô mo nasa'(Left) and 'Downloading Nancy' (Right), two different films produced at different years and different countries by different directors in different languages, instinct with a lot of similarities indeed.

The former was directed by Takashii Ishii, the Japanese master of erotic film whereas the first time swedish film director, Johan Renck completed the latter award-winning movie while 'successfully' created uproar during Sundance Film Festival last year. Both of the movies are controversial as they told the stories through the pictorial of twisted BDSM relationships, which is always a taboo subject in this conventional society.

'Hito go hito' shines as the astonishing female actress, Mai Kitajima who played the role of 'Nami Tsuchiya' in the movie radiating with her incredible charm and magical performing skill that are truly tantalizing. The plot revolves around the famous Japanese actress, Nami and her actor husband who abused her mentally besides filing for divorce after hooking up with another young and sexy actress. The movie highlighted Nami mental transformation and the way her marriage drove her emotion off to the edge of the cliff. Her soul was lost in searching of genuine affection, attention and love, which was actually an urge that was never fulfilled. Many viewers were commenting that there were excessive portrayal of fetishistic and S&M actions in the film that made it nothing more than a shallow and unrealistic pretentious pornography. To a certain extend, I agree with the statement but to those extreme haters out there, that's Takashii Ishii, what do you expect? That's his trademark! If you want him to minimize eroticism, that will be like asking Steven Spielberg to stop his consistent references to World War2 in his movies and eliminating his frequent usage of powerful flashlights in dark scene, it doesn't make sense!

Winning the 'Best Music' award at Stockholm Film Festival 2008, 'Downloading Nancy' was hated at the Sundance Film Festival same year even though it was nominated for the 'Grand Jury Prize'. According to the professional movie critic Michael Lerman,

"Audiences fled the theater mid-picture as Nancy and her new companion engaged in depressingly violent sexual activity, padded with an icky sensitivity that makes each viewer feel like they should go home and shower after just being present at the screening".

Maybe, that will be the common response from a regular movie-goer out there. Though, for me, I didn't really bear any negative feeling while watching the film. In the contrast, I found it to be rather interesting as it was based on a true story. The story was simple - Nancy (Maria Bello),a neglected housewife with the history of being sexually abused, indulged in a BDSM relationship with a stranger over the internet and hired him to terminate her unbearably suffering life.

In fact, most of the so-called 'disturbing' scenes were not shown out in the open at all, the director used the related object subliminally to trigger the viewers' wild imagination instead. Honestly, I didn't see enough character development in this movie, Bello was good but not excellent enough for her part in the movie. Throughout the entire film, she only projected herself as an unpresentable and emotionally unstable housewife who gained pleasure and relief from hurting herself. It was really hard for me to feel for her. Perhaps, I carried too much expectation after watching the performance of Mai Kitajima and reading the similar scheme.However, it was still worth-watching as I could imagine myself repeating doing the same thing if having a same heart that lose a quarter part like Nancy. Somehow, it awakes my tendency to discover humans' hidden ugly sides. There's no definite bounding line between good and bad, we should perceive things beyond surface values, which is actually the toughest thing for human nature.

You will need to put away your coloured lense to enjoy the beauty of the two movies, some people are saying that:

"Hito ga hito o ai suru koto no dôshiyô mo nasa' talks about the distorted tragic life of actresses and entertainers that we will never be able to fathom"

"Downloading Nancy reveals the vulnerability of a sexually abused victim and inner struggle of a mundane housewife"

For me, Nami and Nancy had just unveiled the misery of being a woman.

A little Hat Yai Getaway

2009-10-02T01:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last took a break away from life. During the Raya holiday (19th-23rd September), I went on a family trip to the southern part of Thailand, Hat Yai, which is a popular tourism spot for Malaysians and Singaporeans. Most of my friends visited the place for more than once;though, it was my first time to travel in this neighbour country. Yeah, I know, it's a bit late but it's always better than never. Honestly. It was not a good time to travel because it was a holiday season, everywhere were packed and crowded with people so we missed the chance to get around as freely as possible. However, we are all full time workers so besides public holiday, there is no way for us to gather around and hit the road at the same time.

So, now I will let the pictures to tell the stories...

Thailand and Buddhism are inseparable. So, it is a must for us to have some offering, praying for the ease of the heart and family.

Pure white jade goddess GuanYing, the second tallest in the world!

Sight-seeing. The hectic traffic and crazy people.

Lucky enough to visit the new-opening 'Floating Market'!

Super yummy Thai food! Wished that there were less people blocking around!

The unique Pandan leave roses, mom and second uncle. See, we had good time eating!

Couldn't remember the name exactly. But they called it Tiffany transsexual show. Please don't tell me I looked more like a transgender in the picture.

Songka's renowned mermaid. The beach, the soldier, mom, cousin and me.

The rare glass bottle coke and the cherry flavour fisherman's friend candy,which cannot be found in Malaysia!

I won't really call Hat Yai as part of Thailand as there are around 30 percent of Chinese people living there, so the area is kind of 'chinese' as you can find all kinds of Chinese sign boards, and also the shops ans stores with Chinese names. The people there also speak all kinds of Chinese dialects. In many ways, I could see the similarity with Malaysia. The only regret I had would be not able to try out those authentic Thai cusine as my family wasn't adventurous enough, plus there weren't any authentic Thai restaurants at the tourism concentrations.

Nonetheless, I had fun. Even though I am 25 years old already but this is the first family trip that I had with my family members. It may not be the best trip but it was a wonderful getaway from my static life. Hopefully, there will be a next one coming.

心情

2009-09-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

我知道很有可能我会被雷劈，但是我真的很恨我爸。

从小到大，我就一直在幻想没有爸爸的日子会有多好。他一直以来就是一个毫无感激及廉耻心的人，一直到现在还是一个大包袱；重来就没有为任何人做过什么却无赖的认定这个世界欠了他一切。

我妈是这世上最笨的人；她不懂得改变，不懂得为自己争取应得的基本幸福，像个白痴似的傻傻的从结婚那一天无条件奉献所有；换来的却是无止境的索求及怨恨。

我真的觉得没有爸爸的世界会更美好。他不值得被任何人尊敬﹑更不配被唤‘爸爸。

我的童年就因为他而灰暗暗；我对人性的失望也从他而起。

随着岁月的增长，我惊然发现他带给我的影响空前绝后的大，父母的确是造就孩子性格与思想的关键。

我恨我爸。如果你有一个好爸爸，我由衷的恭贺你，因为对于我来说这真的是遥不可及的事。你必定是前世做尽了好事而修来的福，请珍惜。

Relief

2009-09-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have done marking 200 copies of research proposals..

A student wrote the 20 pages proposal for once, the poor tutor have to read through the proposal line by line, correcting all of the errors and then repeated the same action for 199 times in the rest of the proposals.

I was rushing as I have a deadline to meet.

After five days of marking, continuously, I completed the task!

Even though, I felt like crying sometimes in the process of marking, but still, I stayed with it.

In the end...

The alleviation and sense of completion is fulfilling.

What A Relief!

Press Freedom

2009-08-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

Here's our tutorial question for today. We are going to talk about media agenda setting theory. Let's read the article below:

Foreign hands in blockades

Foreigners caught on camera mingling with and instigating Penans at Long Nen and Long Bangan blockades

MIRI: It’s confirmed! Foreigners are behind many of the blockades set up by Penans in timber camps in the state.

It has long been suspected that many foreign environmentalists and socalled conservationists had been instigating and encouraging the natives to erect blockades and disrupt logging activities, though they had always denied their involvement.
But yesterday four foreigners, including two women, were seen among protesters manning blockades in Ulu Baram.

This contradicts claims by local non-governmental organisations (NGOs) that foreigners have never meddled in the internal affairs of the state.

The foreign nationals, believed to be an Australian, an Indian and two Dutch women, were seen at an access road at Long Bangan and Long Nen in Ulu Baram, orchestrating the protesters with signboards for pictures to be taken.

They were also seen mingling freely among the natives and giving out instructions.
The blockade at Long Nen erected about 6am was followed by another blockade about 2pm at Long Bangan, with the foreign nationals present at both places in an apparently coordinated arrangement and timing.

The wooden blockade structures were simple but the message was clear as the camps set up at the respective sites were manned by Penan men, women and children with the aim of disrupting logging and reforestation activities in the area.

Three major logging companies are operating in the area.

A logging camp manager yesterday lodged a report at the Long Lama police station about the activities of the four foreigners.

The report said they were seen together with the natives at the blockade sites. Marudi police chief DSP Jonathan Jalin, when contacted, said police were aware of a few foreigners at the blockade sites.

“They were also seen with the Penans in Long Lama and we are interested to find out who they are and what they are doing in the jungle with the Penans,” he said.

The protesters yesterday handed an unsigned written list of demands and notice to stop all lorries from passing through to a logging camp manager, to the foreigners and two journalists from The Borneo Post and See Hua Daily News who were at the scene. The group also handed out copies of a news clipping on about 3,000 Penans in Belaga facing starvation due to crop failure as claimed by Deputy Minister of Rural and Regional Development Datuk Joseph Entulu recently. ( article taken from Borneo Post )

Media are good at using framing technique to set the agenda. They never told us how to think, but what to think about by designing, editing and using the other angle of the message to tell the fantasy kind of story.

Who on earth is going to care about the minority and supressed group in the country?

Obviously, nobody.

Rareness

2009-08-28T02:47:00.001-07:00

That's rare.

For some reasons, I have A LOT of students who are very hardworking. Their impetuous spirit, passion and enthusiasm in acquiring knowledge stroke me.

When I was being nice and offered to just cancel the coming classes since I have nothing else to share anymore. They still insisted that they want to have the last class with me next week. I emphasized for millions times that I won't have any 'tips' or 'insider information' about the final exam already, they still determined to attend my class next week. I am totally done with the revision and so far they haven't raise any question cause they won't begin their revision within these few days until the study week really kick off. Though, they still want me to hold the classes next week.

I really wonder why. I have absolutely nothing to teach anymore next week so I decided to give them a chance to get lazy or going back to their hometown earlier and if they have ANY questions during study week, they can e-mail me anytime and make appointment with me; though, they were very persistent in having the class, still.

What's wrong with them? I am really curious. Is it because they admire me too much so they couldn't bear to say goodbye to me? Am I really that charming? I apologise for my narcissism.

I really don't know what's wrong with kiddoes today anymore. I do not belong to their generation so I will never understand what's playing in their mind.

All I know is that - I still have a lot of classes to hold next week, the classes, which I have nothing left to teach. My original plan of taking a little break and start marking the piles of assignment gone.

However, I am thankful that I have students who are actually born with certain amount of initiative; that's the only element that keeps me going in teaching career.

生活

2009-08-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

这是一个一直下雨的周末。雨水滴答滴答的响着，我觉得这种声音真的很悦耳。

近几个星期，我过得有些自闭，朋友们的邀约，我一律拒绝；静静的自己一个人抱着一叠叠的学生作业埋头苦改，更要为最后的几个星期做准备。大家一样是教书的，他们却可在周末大玩特玩，我呢却永远有做不完的事情，薪金又是最低的。没办法，谁叫我不多读一点书。学历低的人永远都是要多做很多事情的。也好啦，就从中学习、提升自己，当做为未来的一种准备。不知不觉，我就这样慢慢被日常工作蹭得麻木了。

很多次，我都在愕然间觉得自己在快速的老去。虽然在学校里很多人都一致认为我是个学生；尽管我在换上牛仔裤后去食堂买午餐时老板娘总是唤我‘girl girl’，我的心真的不断在迅速衰老。我像个老人般每天很早就起床，在天很黑的时候开始嚼着面包、喝着咖啡。随之就是梳洗打扮上班去。然后上课、工作、回家。每天都一样，静静实实的过着属于自己的日子。

很久才可以回一次家，这似乎并没有对我造成什么困扰。我平静的在这个小乡村过日子。向来无肉不欢的我倒也可以吃了几个月的净素，并乐在其中。有时候想一下，我真的变了很多。似乎成长完毕，无欲无求、正式迈向老年。

回头看看踩过的旅程，突然觉得生命是一个大圈圈，很多时候我们奋力跑向终点，忽略了其实终点和起点都是相接的。人总需要经过一个大圈来理解这个道理。

鱼与熊掌不能兼得。很老的一句话却带出了最实在的道理。要得到这，必定得牺牲那。自然界的定义讲究公平。

人生真的还是简简单单的好。平凡是福。

Professional help needed

2009-08-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

Please tell me the ways to cope with my frustrastion. I mean, the efficient way. What you do when you are really angry until you feel like you couldn't take it no more?

I have fire burning inside me. What's wrong with the so-called university students today? What's wrong with our family structure and education system today? How parents raise their kids today?

Sheesh.

As quoted from my friends, "Let them be, ignore it." But how to ignore it when I am the one who is dealing with their attitudes and marking their tests papers and assignments?"

I need anger management classes before I burst out and kill somebody accidentally.

No wonder, many teachers die of cancer.

Ignorance

2009-07-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last bitched about anything. I didn't have anything to grumble about since I enjoy what I am doing right now at the moment. However, the encounters I have at this semester really put me into a lot of hair-pulling situations; no wonder, I am becoming balder and balder. Sometimes,the spoiled brats' attitudes can really drive you to the edge.

Let's introduce this group of 'stuff', 'Useless Trashes'. Why name them useless trash? This is because some of the junk or trashes still can be recycled but this bunch of trash are just trash, they are all smelly and rotten and completely useless. Their existence causes major pollution to the society. We have a lot of those in school, I had that kind of experience with this type of trash since I was studying in college, right now I am working under the same setting, so naturally have more experience with it. This bunch of useless trash couldn't speak their mother tongue because they grew up in a family which used another language at home or simply just pretended that they couldn't speak it, as they thought that it was way too embarrassing for them to converse in mother tongue. They were convinced that by speaking another language, their image will get upgraded.

Well, there is nothing wrong for somebody to not able to converse in mother tongue, who cares what language you speak anyways? The problem here is, this group of people are very proud of it; to a stage where they just stick together in one group, mocking at other students who couldn't speak well, refusing to work with other students or accept their opinions, insisted to just mix within their groups;thinking that they are superior than others cause they couldn't speak their mother tongue but a mouthful of 'Manglish'.

Useless trashes do not listen in class, at all because they thought they are better than average students. They will do their assignments according to their own ways because they think that theirs format is better than what being shown by the lecturers, they are like the utmost unique species in this world who will be able to excel in life, just because they are able to utter more 'Manglish' than regular students out there. The biggest issue here is-- they thought too highly of themselves, they were not that capable or talented besides able to speak just a little bit better than other students because they got used to the language since they were little. Other than that, they were nothing more than a piece of dysfunctional crap. They skipped the classes or when they do attend, they will try whatever way to make sure that they will be late for at least half an hour. They listened to I-pod, sending texts over cell phone for two hours or talked with their friends happily at the back, disturbing the progress of whole class.

So, what the hell? If you really think that you are THAT smart, then just freaking skip the classes, why bother to attend then talk and do shits behind? These are obviously some of the childish rebellion acts of teens. Come on, you all are not that YOUNG anymore. What's yours purpose in life? Are you all really that NAIVE by thinking that speak just a little bit better than the rest of the students will bring you victory in life? Jesus Christ!

Besides, they handed in really crappy assignments, thought they were able to cover all those flaws by using their so-called beautifully written piece. Unfortunately, it is impossible for you to get high marks when you didn't even fulfil the basic requirements. Stop dreaming!

The useless trashes all share a great similarity-- All of them were born with those kind of super annoying faces, which make you think that it is really hard for anybody to love them in their entire life. Glancing at those ignorant and not-so-pleasant looking face, I am able to picture the faces of those who raise them.

Please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against those people who not able to speak, read or write their mother tongue; matter of fact, I have plenty of nice friends who do not speak their mother tongues, I have nothing against these people, just like what I have mentioned earlier. I am just having problems with those people who are ignorant, dumb, narcissism, self-obsessed and not understand the meaning of 'being respectful'. Coincidentally, many of them with the mentioned characteristics appear to be the ones who were not able or refused to communicate in mother tongue because they thought it was a really shameful thing. I am sorry for the stereotype over here, I know that not all of you are like that; sadly, most of the non- mother tongue speakers I met fulfilled most of the bad qualities above.

Please, if you want to be cocky and cool and outstanding, kindly make sure that you actually have the ability or conditions(at least a little bit) to do so, at least, ditch your 'Manglish' because if that's the only language you speak but you still suck at it, that will be the most pathetic thing in this world.

Get the hell out of my class! Stop trashing around, I don't need you all.

The Legend

2009-07-02T02:26:00.000-07:00

He has Gone.

No, I am not writing this piece to mourn about his death.

Unlike those dramatic people who decided to worship the 'King of Pop' right after his death, I am not an "overnight Jacko fan"; matter of fact, I do not even belong to the Michael Jackson Era. When I was old enough develop the preference towards music, he was already popular for being an extreme plastic surgery addict who seemed to have weird preference towards children. He was depicted badly in the newspaper and my parents' comments about him were fairly consistent --"pervert, psycho".

Though, for some reasons, my elder brother loved him a lot and had his music played in the radio from time to time. He owned many of his early cassettes and used to tell me how awesome the King was in doing the world renowned moon walk. I was too young to understand what he was uttering about and misinterpreted it as 'somebody who walked on moon, like astronaut." However, the music of the song, "Black or White' kept lingering in my mind after first listening to it, I was only eight. Of course, I was too young to understand the lyric and what not. My perception about Michael Jackson at that moment remained as : "an astronaut who sings well, but was regarded as a freak by my parents."

Many years later, I turned into a troubled teenager. One day, I saw his 'The Earth Song' MV from TV. It stroke me. The video and the lyric were just purely fascinating. I hated the world that time as I thought that nothing in this world seem to be fair and I bore grudge towards all of the human species. So, the song just clicked easily. After that, I tried to borrow his songs in whatever forms from different sources, and also checked all of the songs' lyrics online (I am thankful for the invention of Internet!). Finally, I was able to understand the meanings behind those songs;he was trying to vent all the frustrations and injustice by his powerful voice. That was definitely hard and he was the first one who have done it so well.

His problem with plastic surgery aroused my curiosity. I obsessed with analyzing people's behaviors for a period of time so he became the subject I constantly googled at. Then, I got to know his background, his sad childhood and abusive parent. There is always a reason behind. Parents always are the one who has full power to shape the kids.

Perhaps, he never really loved by anybody. Perhaps, he never get to know his real identity, perhaps, he belonged to the stage but he got lost in it.

Obviously, he was a victim of his talent. Probably his soul is happy right now as after the exposure of his scandals, this is the only time the millions 'fans' climbing out from every corner of the planet, mourning about his death with media covering all of his achievements and good deeds.

How about the family who fights for money, property and children custody?

Well, it's a regret, I guess. An icon who owned the world;his life was like the shooting star.

'Man In the Mirror', 'The Earth Song', 'Black or White', 'They don't Care about Us' and 'Bad' are my top five favourite.

Go listen. They are the best! By the way, I scratched my car's back at the day he passed. This is just random, I don't know why I am bringing it up here.

Good Quote for the day

2009-06-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any

more than black people were made for whites,or women for men.

~Alice Walker, "The Color of Purple"

http://www.liveexportshame.com/what_is_animal_welfare.htm

Sinful. Sinful. Humans are evil.

槟城

2009-05-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

好久都没有那种提起相机到处捕捉镜头的闲情逸致了。不知道为什么, 很长的一段时间, 即使身处异地、置身于人间美景, 我也可以不为所动; 处之泰然的放弃收集珍贵回忆的一切机会。

就在五月一日劳动节的那个周末,我竟意想不到的重拾了到处捕猎美景的兴趣。住在槟城的好友盛情邀请我到她家一同共度假期。我想了一想,与其在金宝独自一个人孤苦伶仃, 倒不如去探望一位多年不见的特别朋友。安排好了交通，我就兴奋的在劳动节前夕向槟城出发，开始了我的探友叙旧之旅程。

距离上一次的拜访已有十五年之久，因此对于槟城的记忆并不清晰。这次有机会旧地重游，我还真的是获益不浅叻！模糊的回忆里记载着槟城是座历史悠久、繁荣蓬勃的大城市，殊不知浓浓的英国殖民地气息还是在槟岛里处处可闻。很多街道上的路牌都还是以英文命名；古老的英式建筑更是遍布满城。

更妙的是这里以华人居多，各色各样的民族文化更是显而易见。很多古色古香的高龄中式老屋都被视为文化遗产，列为历史古迹。中西极端的交流促成了一种强烈特色。尽入眼帘的百年景观还真的有点让我惊讶！心中不禁好奇着一百年前的这里什么人曾经入住过，他们遗留下了什么样的故事。

废话少说，照片自有解释。

极乐寺，攀登宝塔、香汗淋漓。

睡佛，虔诚膜拜﹑点一盏合家灯。

风水屋，中华精髓；老旧教堂，歌颂天主；娘惹纪念馆，文化交接。

鲜花、娇艳；海湾、祥和。

槟城美食多，鱼腥味逼人的‘拉沙’叫我不敢恭维。‘沙士’味的红豆冰却令我赞不绝口。六块钱的昂贵炒粿条带不出一点槟岛招牌气息。令人最感动的是和老友相聚的时刻。谢谢你喔，芊芹！

成年老酒的芬芳永远令人回味无穷。

Somewhere over the rainbow

2009-05-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

No matter how time changes, he will always be the only one contestant, who is able to impress me that much. The thrill still rises from my heart after listening to his version of the song for more than 100 times.

It is plain beautiful.

I am touched.

决裂

2009-05-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

从来没有想过一位至情的家人竟然可以这么无情。

就为了一个停车位，他竟然对我大喊大叫，还动手打我。假若妈妈没有动手阻止，我可能已经倒地了吧？自小到大，原来我无论如何的尊敬和崇拜及对你好，你完全没有察觉。你残酷的以怨恨回报。我毅然的发觉所谓的亲情真的是假的。我真的怀疑，世界上还有任何真的东西吗？

手腕上的血痕隐隐灼痛，但是这一切比不上心头的撕痛。棰心泣血这句话我常用，但这却是第一次真真切切的了解到那种感觉。现在，我开始讨厌这句成语，真的很讨厌。

我想起了小时候我们在花园里一起捉蚯蚓的时刻，还有你骑着脚车载我到处兜风的时候。我们一起嘻嘻大笑，在夕阳西下的时候一同回家。那一切都是真的，但这一刻的我却无法相信。可能很多我们的回忆都是我在绝望痛苦中自己捏造出来的吧。

我们的情已尽。我还天真的以为亲情是唯一无条件永恒的。我真的太幼稚了。

我彻底绝望。原来，一直以来，我都是孤单的一个人。

My kiddoes

2009-05-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Remember those times when you and your classmates requesting to shoot a class photo with the lecturer or tutor at the end of the school semester?

I never thought that I will be the 'lead character' in a class, standing in the center;appearing as the focus of the whole picture.

So, a semester ended, in the twinkling of an eye.

Gosh! I couldn't believe it. Without any relevant experience, I stood in front of the students, teaching them about something that I wasn't so sure of. Surprisingly, I made it and most of the kids 'seemed' to be able to appreciate my guidance. (Well, on the surface, only God knows what they had been talking about behind my back, hehe, I was a student not too long ago, I know how they are!)

Anyways, it wasn't a bad semester, the journey yielded a harvest of wonderful memories. It was the greatest sense of satisfaction so far! :)

Mother's Day

2009-05-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, my friends have been talking about celebration for this coming Mother's Day. As usual, I will be away from home during this special occasion; I won't be able to join the bandwagon in getting bird nest for mother or dine out with my whole family at a restaurant. Sheesh, what a shame! Anyways, like what Lampfly said,

"I think this kind of occasion is not really relevant. The utmost important thing is to be nice to your mother every single day, then only it's real."

I guess at the moment, I will need to believe that statement in order to ease my heart! However, her words made sense, I guess.

Being a mother is the toughest job in this whole universe, we have to be grateful and thankful toward the selfless person who brought us into this world and devoted herself entirely in raising us up. Talking about motherhood, suddenly I remember that I had some sort of similar experience in that area. I was a 'mother' of five!

Memory came sudden and swirled, once in a blue moon, the passed moments would pop out in your mind, reminding you about the days you thought you have forgotten. My previous counselor told me that aupair will just be one of the passers-by for those children, it is hard for them to remember anything about the aupair after a while; however, the kids will remain in the aupairs' heart forever owing to the care and real love provided by the caretaker.

When you are so used to 'give', that's the time for the real love to grow inside your heart.

Recapturing back those times, it could be really hard. Nonetheless, be it the goods or bads, fortunate or unfortunate, I am able to just laugh about it right now as I got to know more about life through the role of a 'mother'.

That kind of precious experience won't be able to repeat and seriously I don't want to have it repeated, too! It is just nice to have it once.

Anyways, Happy Mother's Day to all wonderful mothers in this world! :)

The Haunting

2009-04-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

I stay at the so-called dorm/hostel near the school I work with as it is fully furnished and easy for me to get to my office everyday. Even though I am surrounded by students and paying more than the market price over here, I still like it here as it is safe and convenient if you compare to other places.

After residing here for several months, I realize that something just does not seem to be right.

Please have a look at the picture below:

This is the building right behind my room. I took the picture from my room's window. The building is empty as none of the students occupy the rooms for some reasons. In fact, the building looks no different from mine; however I have witnessed some abnormal phenomenon for quite a few times.

The empty rooms, normally the left one on top and also the right one at the first floor would have their lights turned on at night for no reasons. It doesn't happen everyday but just once in a while, generally on weekend when everybody here have gone back to hometown for family time.

No, nobody is staying there and I do not think that the people from the management office or security guards would go there in the middle of the night to just 'enlighten' the rooms.

It was a Saturday late night when I fist discovering that, I was curious at first, wanting to find out if anybody had moved in but obviously, there was no sign of new tenants since the windows were still locked. It was spooky. I pulled the curtains and continue marking the paper while the heart was pumping fast.

Then, my mind ran wild. I started imagining about 'something else' that might be staying there then.

As expected, I had a sleepless night. Though luckily, so far nothing scary took place (*touch wood/*knock on the wood).

Generally, the lights would go off 'automatically' before morning. I braced up myself to make a 'close' observation' through the window two weeks ago. The lights went on from 11 something at night.I turned in around 3am, the lights were still on. There was no noise, no shadow, nothing, just pure silence with lights.

Sometimes, I think I am superstitious and overly imaginative. I should not think too much and I have never killed or inflicted death on anybody. There should be nothing I shall worry about.

Many unexplained complications hail from the heart.

想当年

2009-04-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

今早悠闲的准备上班时, 一位失去联络了五六年的朋友竟奇迹般的捎来了一些亲切的问候语。我有些惊讶；受宠若惊之感不禁油然而生。

在短短的几分钟客套话之后，一段断了线的友谊在瞬间得到了重生的机会。我们聊着彼此的近况，不约而同的为对方的生活感到高兴。谈话间也不可避免的触及了昔日的同伴们，因而获知了不少令人意外的消息。时间过得好快，岁月真的不饶人。大家在毕业各分东西失去联络后的变动真的很大。不过，值得庆幸的是多数的人都还过得不错；唯独当日年少轻狂的赤子之心已荡然无存。但是，一同拥有的疯狂回忆总有些会记录在泛黄青春期的某处吧？很多时候我们只需要花些心思打开记忆的按钮，抛在脑后的往事就会一幕幕浮现。

这位‘奇迹朋友’我至七岁那年便认识了。我们入读同一间小学之后升上同一间中学，都被分配在同一班。高中毕业之后也选读同一间大学﹑更住在宿舍里的同一层楼。认识了这么多年，和她感情最好的时候却是在初中。那时傻傻的她会很早到学校，呆呆的我就会特地早去上学，然后和她坐在食堂里天南地北的乱谈一番；她也会特意从学校顶着大太阳步行到我家，让我帮她胡乱设计发型。当时的我们拼了老命的要耍酷而滥用发胶和吹风筒。不过，说真的，有时候效果是不错啦！

当时的我们还热衷于创意设计鞋带，我们会利用课余或上课的时间交换心得，分享我们看到或意外研发的‘最酷’鞋带绑法。我们也会和另一些同样轻狂的友人一起讲别人的闲话﹑像傻婆一样的乱笑﹑气哭老师﹑逃课﹑挑嬉书呆子男生及参与很多‘阿莲’少女会做的事情。不过，我们可不是什么都不会的‘飞女’叻！我们这群人可都是精英班数一数二的人才哟！叛逆的心应该每一个少年人们都有吧。更何况我们并没有杀人放火，成绩还是好好的，老师们才拿我们没法子嘞！

感情既然这么好为什么会失去联络呢？

说实话，我并不清楚。可能这就是人性吧！

记忆中，我们从来都没有什么冲突。小小的不悦与争执自然难免但若要到积恨而远离彼此的地步绝对没有。仔细的想了想，彼此的隔阂是从大学开始，那个时候大家都有了新朋友，开始了不同的生活圈子。距离因此而来。大家应该都在猜忌，觉得人人都变，变得不在乎旧朋友了，不再需要对方了。就这样，把手一放，珍贵的友情掉了。

然而，我们当时并不觉得可惜因为年轻的我们总认为没了这个朋友没关系，我还有一大群新朋友叻！至到有一天，人生开始有了历练，自己的心里才会发觉友情真的是酒，好酒越久越醇。要拥有二十个嘻嘻哈哈的朋友很容易，不过要找个了解你并拥有共同回忆的人真的比登天还难。

朋友告诉我她和往日的同伴那天还驱车去我中学时代住的旧家，想要找我叙旧，不过找不着因为我早在几年前搬了。我听了真的吓了一跳，我真的重没想过在经过重重误会﹑重伤和多年后的今天还有人会记得我。内心难免有些感动。

她说她很想念我妈妈所煮的糖水和点心，我嘴角顿时往上扬。

心里觉得暖暖的。

人最需要的是学会放开一切的怨恨。就记得那些美好的部分不就够了吗？

这是我和我朋友的故事，与你共勉之。

这个夜晚

2009-04-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

这个夜晚有点痛。若你问我有多痛？我无法去衡量。只知道自己呆呆的坐在地上，傻了似的看着湿湿的瓷砖。

眼泪流了好几个小时，从眼角一直到脖子，没有间断过。感觉上好像很难过，不过无法哭出任何声音。

四周又很不巧静静地，真是另一个容易让人感到惆怅的时刻。

那天刚看完由江角真纪子所主演的《爱情革命》，觉得女主角在剧中所说的一席话特别有意思。她道：

“每个女人的鞋柜里总有一双不合脚的鞋。这双鞋往往非常美观但是在逼自己穿上时却非常不舒服﹑脚趾和脚更总被磨破而疼痛不已。但是，女人却绝对不舍将它丢弃，天真的相信在多穿几次就会合脚，结果双脚白白受罪了好长的一段时间。最终，固执的女人还是会把鞋子留下，因为深信并等待着那虚幻的‘总有一天’。”

人真的很喜欢自欺欺人。

没人比我更了解我自己。我只要把悲伤流露出来，睡个好觉，明天依然是美好的。

Five Years

2009-03-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

Recently, several people shot me with the same question--" So, what do you see yourself in five years?"

The Question seems to be simple but actually it is not easy to answer. It concerns about your future plan and what you would like to achieve in five years. Obviously, everybody think that I am OLD enough to have a decent plan for myself, in terms of direction in life and also career development. I wasn't able to give the answer right on the spot, my mind raced in search for correct answer, wondering about the BIG accomplishments I ought to have after turning 30.

However, the people who questioned have their goals set in their mind already. As such, they are able to list down whatever they want to achieve in five years while I was doing the thinking.

My colleague, Nen, is a very pretty lady. She is 27 years old at the moment and is busying planning to get married with someone special before turning 30. She said that she is yearning for a settled life, having own family and stable career. As such, her vision in 5 years will be getting married, having a happy family with some children and then maybe furthering study in PHD so that can have a greater promotion at work. However, right now she doesn't have a suitable life partner yet, so she is working hard to get one. Though, I don't think she will need to worry about anything because her cute face can simple attract guys to got in line, waiting patiently for the chance to date her. But, the problem remains since it is really hard to get the RIGHT one nowadays.

My silly housemate, Josephine , who is also 27 years old, happens to be the luckiest woman in this world. She is married to a husband who treats her as if she was the utmost precious diamond in this whole universe. Having a fulfilling and wonderful marriage, she noted that in five years, she would like to obtain her PHD title so that people will address her Dr. Kuah. Besides, her ultimate dream is to open a big private kindergarten where she will be the principal, handling the management and business but not teaching. She would hire a lot of young teachers to do it so that she can earn a lot of money in a very relax manner. Meanwhile, she can start planning having her own babies as it will be easier for her to just place the kids she has at her kindergarten after raising them to a certain age. She can be hilarious sometimes but she is a undoubtedly a very persistent fighter. In this case, I think her vision should not be too hard to achieve.

Dr. Yeoh, the great assistant professor claimed that he would want to become a real Professor in five years, earning more than 10K salary every month and enjoying life at a nice foreign land like New Zealand. Well, seriously, for someone as experienced as him, the so-called plan is just a piece of cake. His salary is very close to 10K right now. In addition, he has a lot of experience teaching overseas. His qualification is good enough to be accepted anywhere in this world. So, again, for him, this is something that will definitely happen in the coming future. He will certainly achieve his plan in five years.

How about me?

I think at my age, which is not that youthful anymore, I should have some 'mature' plans in life, too. So, after thinking for a while, I think I have a list of things that I would like to accomplish in five years so that I can be whom I want to be afterwards.

I would like to first, obtain a master degree from a good university so that I can officially being promoted to lecturer. Secondly, I would like to clear all the debts I have, I owed a huge sum of money to government, friend and also family members. Thirdly, I want to sponsor my parents to trips, at least once a year besides able to give them some pocket money every month. Forth, I want to settle down, too, get married and have my own family but no kids yet! Fifth, I would like to pursue my PHD after my master degree. Sixth, I want to realise my 'flying' dream-- fly high in the sky. Yeah, travel at least once a year to foreign place, let's start from Japan!

I think, my plans are a bit not realistic. Anyways, somebody told me that we have to always set the goals high so that when we couldn't achieve the vision completely, at least the result we have won't fall too far away from the goals we set at first.

So, let's start from the first step, furthering my master study! I have been planning and working on it! Wish me luck.

How about you? What do you see yourself in five years?

Whatever you have wished for, I believe that you can do it, just trust yourself and look up the self-fulfilling prophecy theory! Yeah!

一封信

2009-03-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

给一位特别的朋友：

我知道你不可能会上来我的“布洛格”读这封信。你应该不知道我有这样的一个‘自我’空间。但是，我还是很想把心中的一些话写下。不为什么，也许只想记下这特别的一天。

谢谢你对我的绝对信任与依赖；虽然我压根儿帮不上任何忙，却万分的乐意借你我聆听的耳朵。我并没有资格给予任何肯定对的答案因为事事都没有绝对，我们都处在一个灰色地带，所谓的对跟错只有我们自己可以定论。

今天听到了你有所决定，我真的很为你高兴。虽然很有可能你在通知我的下一秒就开始再次犹豫﹑举棋不定，可是，无论如何，我还是要献上最真的祝福。这可是你在向我倾诉了一段日子后第一次有了一个明确决定，所以这算是一种进步吧？

人都要经历很多才能有所成长，而你在异国奋战的这几个岁月里肯定能明显的发现自己心态上的改变吧。我虽然认识你有一段时间了，但真正和你的心有点靠近却在不久前。很好笑叻！也许是那充满人体极限挑战的艰难夏季给了我们友谊升华的一个机会吧。不过，我们真正的心灵交会却是在我回流后所得到的意外收获。你让我应証了真情无界限的道理，谢谢你喔！

无论如何，在你做下慎重决定的这一天，我在我狂妄的个人空间为你记下了这一页。梦想一定要去追求，但不要坚持用同一种方式。很多时候，盲目追寻的当儿我们却忘了就在弹指间的幸福。

我帮你立下一个新目标—‘二零零九年的你一定要在做下决定后获得重生，体验真正的快乐’。

相信我，这真的不会很难。加油。

一位奇怪的朋友，
诗笳敬上

keep flying

2009-03-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

The best thing about staying at a deserted area which is super far away from home is, you can save a lot of money because you won't be able to travel back to home as usual as others. You save a lot from gas.

So, at your spare time, especially during the weekend, you tend to just hop in car and drive around the town that has nothing to offer. It is hard for you to spend money when you can't even find a theater or any other decent shops around the area. As such, I think I am richer than those who will just simply pass by ten big shopping malls on their way back from work.

You are so freaking free on the weekend, to a stage where you start developing 'weekend phobia' because you will be the only soul in the whole house, left with nothing to do and nobody to talk with, besides grazing on notes, preparing the coming classes and getting pissed at some old maid who is clinically proven to be a psychopath.

Then, you started to question yourself about the decision you made about accepting the job and moving here.

Though, recapturing the moments I have in class and also some lovely students that I have, I realised that it was a right decision. I love teaching, I love the attention people have on me when I speak in front of the class. No, I am not an attention whore, I just love the feeling of sharing my knowledge in front of the kiddoes who are interested in learning.

I am thankful for accepting the offer because in someways, it helps me to obtain the direction in life. I like to teach and I really enjoying sharing experience. This is a Good sign since I am approaching the age of 25, it's time for me to have a clear vision in life while bearing the plan to settle down.

However, the other part of mine still remains as a bird without legs, yearning for the chance to fly high around the sky, having no destinations and no where to stop.

Though, legless bird will end up dying young, out of exhaustion and starvation. It does not sound like a pleasant outcome.

But, there are times I couldn't help but wonder, isn't it a wonderful way to end your life after witnessing all of the greatness in this universe?

疯了

2009-03-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

最近疯了。

每天对着一群群明明年龄和我相差不远，思想却有着十万八千里之差的稚气孩童，我真的觉得我在这一个月里老了三十岁。

日复一日的以长者身份谆谆善诱，分享知识与人生经验，犹如一个花甲老人对着围绕在大树下的孩儿述说故事。搞什么呀？就在不久的之前，我不是还在舞厅猛喝烈酒，疯狂乱舞吗？怎么现在回想起来好像是一个世纪以前的事了？

我真的好老。左邻右舍不是资深讲师就是博士狂人，天天一起吃饭哈拉所谈的不外是学生表现和深造，没法子再和任何人一起畅谈什么明星，服装和人生小秘密了。我真的需要一点除了学术上以外的消遣。

四周住满了莘莘学子，出去丢个垃圾也得换衣，深怕被某某某撞见，到学校大做文章；一些稍为年长却尚无对像的绿眼妖怪也会对我的打扮评头论足，尽搞些幼稚的小动作。真的很令我作呕。哎！女人何苦为难女人？尤其是那些老女人特别奇怪。哦！我也是老女人一个吗？可能噢，但至少，我不是变态野蛮的老剩女。

不过，说真的，干这一行的，还真的有很多单身贵族。是因为人生的大半辈子都花在很多的文凭与论文的关系上吗？还是因为学历高而自命清高，眼睛长在头上？依我看，应该是只会读书而不会和人沟通吧？

我不知道，最近生活真的有些极端。

不过，我还蛮喜欢目前的生活，只是希望可以在下班后跳出 '老师' 的圈圈。

相信我，我真的不是一个只会说教的老人，我曾经也是活得很精彩的！T_T

Home?

2009-03-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

So, I have been home for almost 6 months. I was overjoy at first because seriously, I missed my family and also my homeland a lot. I know it might not be the best country in this whole universe, but since I grew up here, I thought this is a land where I can call 'Home'.

When I was away, I missed my hometown miserably- I missed the food, I missed the people, I missed the language, I missed the sense of belongingness.

After struggling for a while, I am able to get a proper job. Even though I am really far away from my family right now but still, I am doing something that I enjoy doing and earning decent money. There is nothing much to complain about.

However, after completely returning to my original identity, I am really not happy. I am not sure if this is somewhere I belong to anymore.

Recently, I am really disgusted by the chaotic situation here.

So, there were this group of youngsters who behaved like those uncivilized jungle men from Amazon river, yelling at one respectable leader who was on wheelchair, surrounded him and put him into totally helpless situation, used bad languages on him and then pulling people who were trying to help this leader to get into his way.

For some reasons, the BUNCH of guards or securities people were too WEAK to stop anything, allowing a man with dignity to get humiliated.

Then, some extremely 'brilliant' elder leaders stood up and defend the younger group, saying that they did nothing wrong and will never apologise even though their action were caught on video, uploaded online and viewed by millions worldwide.

Some extrememly barbaric behaviours like 'threatening' through certain object were being repeated for times.

A female leader's naked photos were exposed to the public by her previous boyfriend from a different race. The boyfriend haven't got caught yet and actually to be honest, he will NEVER get caught. Some clever people pointed their fingers at the victim, urging her to resign.

One reputable local newspaper decided to highlight the naked photo issue at the front page, thinking that it was a 'scoop' that was going to rule.

There were people who keep playing racial cards, and then keep accusing innocent decent folks creating chaos among races.

A man who was accused of stealing car were suspected to be abused to death when being detained.

There was violence involved at certain demonstrations, but nothing being covered by mainstream media.

There were loads of raping, killing, robbing cases, nobody really care to take any action. Victims were condemned for being not careful.

Those who shouldn't be jailed were jailed, whereas those who ought to be locked were eating lobsters in fancy restaurants.

People who should lead are fighting over power among themselves, forgetting about why they were being selected in the first place.

It is really easy to 'buy' a particular person. She will imitate a frog, jumping here and there after being paid a certain amount of money.

A local talent who was admired world wide were criticized and attacked for thousands times after being forced to apologise for creating a certain song.

Millions of talents are working for foreign countries that appreciate them because we don't care about the ability of employees here.

I used to be proud for who I am, as I thought we were a unique nation in certain ways.

Nonetheless, I won't 'day-dream' anymore. It's been 52 years, not 2 years. Nothing has been improved and nothing is going to. So far, from what I have seen, we are walking backward, heading back to the cannibalism era.

We are eating each other raw, shredding each other piece by piece.

Completely hopeless.

Let's move away...

the most beautiful watermelon in this whole universe

2009-03-03T02:02:00.000-08:00

Wonder

2009-02-09T02:24:00.000-08:00

In order to prepare my first research method class for tomorrow, I flipped through my previous lecturer notes 5 years ago. Fortunately, I decided to keep some of the related notes of certain subjects which I thought to be precious, else I won't be able to use them as reference right now.

So, reading through my notes, I was like on a time machine, travelling back to the old days in lecture halls. I still remember,the lecturer of the subject. She was a very special religion freak who had done her study overseas for a very long period of time. Anyways, I did not have a good time during the classes she conducted because I never like math related subjects in my entire life, whereas research method is basically about using formulas to analyze data gained from different kind of researches.

However, luckily, the mathematics and formula involved in the subjects were not too complicated. I did not do well at the mid term test but was able to catch up later and then excelled at final exam. Actually, I owe a big 'Thank You' to my pal, Lampfly who was willing to guide me when I approached her for the problems. She left her handwriting in my notebook, correcting my mistakes while reminding me to not repeat them.

Besides, I found a copy of her mid-term test paper from my folder. She was kind enough to allow me making a copy of her 'intellectual property' as a reference to the relevant answers.

Looking at her tidy handwriting, I felt a sense of familiarity.

How time flies. Not too long ago, I was the one who sat in the hall, busy copying notes and listening to the professor. Now, it's my turn to teach the college kids in research method? Seriously, I couldn't believe it myself.

I miss my old friend. Sincerely, I wish that everything goes well with her.

As for me, I wonder if I am able to take the job. Sheesh.

Raise A Chicken from Egg

2009-02-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

I was doing some random browsing online and then out of the blue I came across the picture at the left from http://www.lonelism.blogspot.com/. The picture was kind of cute and the 'caption' wan my chuckles so I would like to have it appear in my blog; as a memory, record or something.

That was good because I feel incredibly weak right now. At least, the little funny man under gloomy cloud has eased my heart in some way.

I know that I will feel better by tomorrow but at the moment, somewhere in my heart just does not feel right, I need somebody to be here with me right now.

Perhaps, this is another symptom of anxiety for moving again. Normally, I would hide it, only those who are really close to my heart will be aware of that. Seriously, I am thankful for whatever I have right now; I am blessed with a lot of exciting stuff in life. However, I am definitely stressed out by various 'enormous' transformations in life within this two years. I kept flying, moving, changing, adapting in completely foreign atmosphere. The cycle went on and on for A LOT of times; they are 'numerous' and 'frequent' enough to drive somebody to a nerve-wrecking point. Needless to say, I have been always pretty much on my own.

I have guts, I am independent and I am tough in someways. Though, I really hate the feeling of dealing all the problems by myself ALL THE TIME. I remember there was this evening, I went berserk sobbing, yelling and crying to somebody, questioning about his position and the basic dedication he was supposed to contribute. That was a scary one. I never yelled and cried and cursed so much in my entire life before. Plus, I was driving when doing that, so almost met into car crash and died on the road at some random unknown rural area.

Yeah, it can be spooky when I go crazy. But, it won't happen so much in life.

I think I am just tired sometimes. Believe it or not, I just want my life to be simple. The real happiness can only be found through simplicity.

I am still helpless. Though, I feel like I can deal with tomorrow better now.

Good night.

白日梦

2009-02-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

近日生活稍微悠闲的我抽空看了一片买了许久的电影光碟——《手札情緣》英文又名‘The Notebook ’ 。开始时我只想要打发一个无聊的午后，对这部片子压根没抱任何寄望。我以为这只是另一出高唱“天长地久，海枯石烂”的普通无聊爱情悲剧。当初之所以会花钱买下也只是因为它被归类于‘清盘销售’的角落, 价格不可置信的便宜。
十五岁之前，我相信永恒，信奉爱情，崇尚浪漫不切实际的电影情节。在疑惑的青春期过后，我开始知道戏剧和现实的差别，逐渐对那种天真得一蹋糊涂的爱情片近而远之。抱持着这种先入为主心态的我却在电影开始的第一秒钟被深深吸引。

这是一部改编自著名浪漫作家-尼可拉斯．史派克的同名之作。《手札情緣》的故事其实并不突出，中心围绕着穷小子爱上富豪千金被禁止的恋爱；在无奈被逼分离之下又怎么排除万难与七年后破镜重圆。尽管剧中主角的缠绵镜头拍得如梦如幻，惊天地并泣鬼神，那样的剧情还真的是千篇一律叻！但是，它的越人之处就在于开场时那位不断重复朗读相同的爱情故事给失忆老妇聆听的年老男主角。

身患失智症的妇人忘了自己亲爱的子女和一同破除万难才得以在一起的丈夫，医生断定她绝对没办法复原。痴情的丈夫却绝不放弃，坚持搬迁至相同的疗养院，每天读着他们的爱情故事给妻子听。他所期待的是在朗读一百次相同的小说给爱妻听之后，偶尔她会有清醒的两至三分钟来认回丈夫。之后的第四分钟就会把至爱推开，视同陌路，精神崩溃。

深爱妻子的老人最不能忍受的就是在一分钟温暖的拥抱后就被大力推开，终于在那么一天，他心碎了，看着医务人员安抚着歇斯底里的爱人，他扶坐于床沿，放身大哭。那一刻的绝望真的是刻骨铭心。

随后，老人独自的翻阅那本他每天朗读的笔记簿，原来他的爱妻在得知自己患上病后就尽快持笔记录下与丈夫的爱情故事，吩咐他在自己忘掉一切后要每天朗读给她听。在本子的第一页，她写下了如此一席话：

“只要你读给我听，我就会回到你身边。”

读到这里，你可能会很不屑的发出一声冷笑，说道：“还不是那种浪漫爱情戏？还花了半天说你不喜欢叻！不要假假啦！”

我是真的觉得在某些方面这出戏真的有些特出，也或许是纯粹被感动吧。我还是要申明，我真的很讨厌那种现代娇情虚假的电影！

在《手札情緣》结束后，我的脑海浮现了另一出我自认为凄美的爱情电视剧-- 《解连环》这是一出很久以前新视所开拍的短篇电视连续剧。

其中演员并不特别好，演技也属一般。但是，我在几个月前又旧剧重看还是非常喜爱。我想我应该是迷恋于那种前世今生的虚幻情节吧! 剧中男女主角投胎转世三生，各在不同阶段化成拥有不同际遇的不同人物，却誓要和同一个人相爱到底。然而，他们的命运如何自有天安排，结果怎么样？就是那老套的一句：“天意呀！”

也许不论在如何理智、成熟的女性心底总是有一些天真烂漫的幻想。尽管自己在怎么鄙视商业化的虚假爱情电影的当儿，总会有那么几出是能够触动你的心悬﹑赚你几把眼泪的。

女人，你真是一个梦想家。

Newcomer

2009-02-01T06:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you just couldn't help but wonder about the magical impact of some random 'newcomer' in a family.
Thanks baby, you have changed ours life, you never know how grateful I felt towards you...

Love you. MUAKS.

Angel Hair Pasta

2009-01-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

Anybody who knows me well enough will be aware of my inherent love for noodles. They could never understand why but they were amazed at my crave for all kinds of noodles. Yes, seriously I mean all kinds, be it Oriental, Western, Stir-fry, pan-fry, soup-based,instant, thin, thick, made of flour, wheat, corn or whatever. As long as it is noodles, I love them all.

I always want to have a big bowl of fish ball noodle soup after eating a lot of other food and stomach feeling really filled up. Nobody will be able to spot the reason behind, neither do I. I guess it is just because I love noodles and I always have big appetite, as simple as that.

So, today is the sixth day of Chinese New Year, I made myself my all-time-favourite ever since two years ago- Parmesan Cheese Angel Hair Pasta. This kind of pasta can be expensive if you have it at the restaurant. So, being as cheap as I usually do, I bought the instant version one and cooked it within ten minutes.

It might look regular but I can assure you, it tastes real good!

In addition,what I need here will be a big piece of roasted chicken breast, sauteed with garlic, salt, sugar and black pepper. Then, pour in a little bit of red wine and then serve with some drops of lemon juice on top of the meat. The chicken breast goes perfectly with the white sauce angel hair pasta. I prepared the full meal before, they tasted wonderful. Sadly, I don't have the mood and ingredient today. So, all I have is the thin angel hair pasta with creamy white sauce.

I guess the moral of this post is to tell you all that I am a gourmet and noodles-lover. Plus, I can really cook, sometimes.

Now, take out a glass, I want to hear the 'clinking' sound.

Ok, cheers. May all of you have a prosperous Chinese New Year! GONG XI FA CHAI.

Irony

2009-01-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

When I was getting my water bottle from the cabinet today, I spotted one of my colleagues' bottles with a very interesting quote printed around its body.

It goes--

" I travel the world to search for what I NEED but I found it at home."

I am totally clueless about the source of the quotation but I shall say I really like it.

Isn't it ironic? We always go far to achieve some so-called goals and dreams and what not. Then, lastly, we realise what we need was just at your finger tips.

However, without making the effort to get off the track, you will never know what you really need.

A big irony indeed.

Flawless

2009-01-18T03:51:00.000-08:00

Is it really wonderful to have a perfect life which is plain-sailing; running smoothly without any big difficulty, struggle or challenges? I am sure that we all have have this kind of friends around us, who never have to worry about anythings in life as they were born with 'golden spoons' in their mouth. As an addition to their fortunate life, some of them were even gifted with stunning outward appearance, vital-statistic figures and also a blissful family.

The only few issues that bother them the most will be something like: 'What should I wear for tonight's dinner?' 'I have gained some weight, I need to lose down.' 'My boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't treat me right.' 'I don't have enough money for the brand new luxury laptop and fancy car.'

After fulfilling their tertiary education, this blessed group can work anywhere and do whatever they want since they do not have to worry about paying for themselves- the parents bought them cars and even provide them with places to stay and plenty of nice food to eat. They spend the money to buy all kinds of fancy stuff for themselves, going on trips on a regular basis, falling in love with their special ones, getting married and eventually settling down by starting own family.

It might sound boring in someways but I am pretty sure that some of us dreamt of that kind of flawless way of living before. Come on, admit it, once in a while, we all do. Then, normally, we utter a long sigh, complaining about how terrible our destiny is and how unfair life can be.

Well, I guess life is never fair then. I always yearn to be in the lucky group but too bad, I am always in a totally opposite position. As such, I always work harder than anyone else because there is one old-school saying,"working your own luck". So, speaking from experience, if you strive harder, most of the time miracles will happen, though the process will be really tough. If your will is strong enough, after tonnes of tears and sweat, what you have wished for might come true someday. However, there is no guarantee for that. The irony is that we just have to strive harder if you were not blessed.

I am not a religion fanatic but for some reasons, I strongly believe in Karma. No, not so much on the previous life concept but mainly on the total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.

What goes around, comes around. What you have done determines what you get later. That sounds fair, right?

Besides, the universal principle does not believe in perfection, too. Recently, I heard a story from a friend. This friend's friend( let's name him 'Guy A') killed himself few months ago by jumping off a building. ' Guy A' was having the utmost perfect life, which envied by every single creature in this world. He was a young and handsome pilot with piles of money in the bank. He got to travel from time to time, having big house, nice car and prominent parents. Plus, he had a gorgeous girlfriend whom he had been seeing for more than ten years.

Nobody could understand the reason for someone as awesome as him to killing himself. Though, rumours went around, saying that he was actually a homosexual and had been hiding inside the closet for his entire life. The pressure from the conservative society and religion were killing him pieces by pieces. So, one day 'Guy A' just decided to end all of his misery by leaving this cruel world.

Life is a tricky game. Be sure to play it right.

Sooooo Human

2009-01-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

Humans are a composition of various different kinds complicated components. As such, we are way different from other creatures. We have emotions and brain- we think, we feel, we laugh and we cry.

As a human being, seriously, I think that mankind is an enigma, the more you get to know about this species, the more questions you have.

We are proclaimed as the highest level of animals as 'most' of us have culture, affections, knowledge,and rationale behind actions. We have the ability to love something and somebody that leads to selfless devotion and sacrifice.

However, being the so-called highly intelligent class, we are incredibly unpredictable, too. At this minute, we can love something to death, but at the next minute, there is a possibility for us to just throw the stuff into the drain without even realising it; totally forgot about how we once might kill to get it.

There were too many couples who declared their vows and got married out of love; though, after going through challenges in the shared new life, the feelings and affections faded away. Eventually, it follows by ugly disputes, hatred against each other, betrayal, affair, ill-assorted couples or maybe divorce.

Why humans are so forgetful? We forgot the reasons to like something or somebody. In the contrast, as time goes by, we feel like other party is changing and he or she is not the same anymore. In fact, everything is the same, it is the heart that changes.

When the heart is not there, lovely gifts turn into trashes; scrumptious meals taste like crap; dressing up became slutty.

Actually, same thing applies to friendship, too. Recently, many of my friends had been complaining that they have no more real friends as they are losing contact with previous school mates. Now all they have are colleagues, who they had fun with sometimes, and it stops with that. They said it is hard to get a real friend who really understand you or care about you anymore.

You will ask, then why not reconnecting with previous pals? Honestly, it's hard because the heart is not there anymore. Most of them are busy with work, new responsibility, boyfriend and some are even married. Perhaps, humans are only able to focus at one thing at a time, so, we chose to throw away something that was precious for us but seemed to be not-so-helpful right now- real friendship.

Well, I am sure that there will be some exceptions. Some people are really able to maintain whatever relationships till the end of their life, with a same friend or spouse, but I would say it is rare as it requires a lot of hard work. So, some people would choose to give up.

Love is really an abstract thing. You can't explain it to anybody. It is just funny that once you thought that you had a life long real friend whom you could give up everything for but after going through too much misunderstanding and miscommunication, the heart gets really tired. Next, you made up your mind to give up entirely. Then, someday you were able to meet up with him or her under a very rare circumstances, you might be glad but you won't have the thrill anymore. You won't feel sad or hateful either, there was no any special emotions. The person will just appear to be another regular friend. At last, you started wonder and sort of amazed at yourself for the dedicated you were willing to offer unconditionally last time.

You know that you will never 'give' anymore.

In short, I think any forms of relationships need a lot of 'give'. However, people started from 'give' to just merely 'take'. That's just so human nature. We are all selfish jerks.

向昨天说再见

2008-12-29T04:53:00.000-08:00

第一次听到这首歌的时候我只有十岁？实际年龄记不得了，只知道当时只略知一些英文单字的我就在那一瞬间被曲子浓郁的惆怅音乐深深吸引。还是个孩子的我就到处去向大人们打听，但是却徒劳无功。最后终于在报章上得知那其实是旧曲翻唱。当时红及一时的黑人组合- “从男孩到男人”以他们不凡、惊人的嗓子把最真实的情感注入了歌中，酿成了一曲绝世奇迹。

经过了无数次的字典翻查，我终于对歌词有了更深一层的了解。顿时惊觉美词艳曲在结合了浑厚完美的歌喉之后真的是足以‘杀死人’。于是，我对这首歌的痴迷程度即可达到疯狂境界。贫穷的我省吃俭用了好几个月才负担得起十八零吉的卡带。然后我就如获至宝的每天至少重复听十次，直到琅琅上口为止。也许那种浪漫少年情怀真的就只属于那个情绪化的年代吧？若干年后的我竟在不经意间把这首难得金曲给抛在记忆中的某处。珍贵的卡带在多次的搬迁后不知所踪，强烈的纯真情操随之遗失。

多年后我路经‘塔楼记录库’不经意的撞见 “从男孩到男人” 的精选专辑。如今的他们早已不如往昔，专辑自然也便宜了许多。不知为什么，就在那之后的一分钟，我拿了光碟就去柜台付钱。

接下来的四十五分钟，我飞驰于从圣塔安娜至河边九十号高速公路上，听着这首熟悉的歌曲。再一次真真切切地被感动了。

就像歌中所提到的一样，要向昨天和过去说再见真的好难。一切的经历﹑眼泪﹑欢笑与震撼仿佛发生在昨天，可是在想要去捕捉时却又觉得很遥远。所以，我潇洒的挥了挥手，把感觉放在心里。记忆真的是一辈子的，没有任何人可以夺走它；这一切就像那首歌一样，在很多年后的今天我再次深深爱上。也因为这样，我觉得也许有那么一天我可以再拥有新的一页回忆，保有同样的人﹑事﹑物，让故事延续下去。

我只是想推荐这一首好歌，仅此而已。

Just Random

2008-12-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

What do you think about foreign workers? I mean like those from Indonesia, Vietnam,India, Nepal, Philippine, Bangladesh, Cambodia and some other developing countries. Normally, they will be taking those blue-collared jobs which the local citizens refuse to. In fact, they are categorized as the lowest class in the society. Day after day, they are judged and stereotyped and discriminated. I talked with my friends about this group of people before and the words like 'Dangerous', 'Dirty', 'Smelly','Slutty' were heavily used.

Well, I used to agree with them as some of the generalizations can be true. Some of them do contributed to the increasing crime rate in the country. However, one thing for sure- not ALL of them are like that. In fact, just refer to the common cases of maid-abuse and some other forms of exploitations by the agents and employers. Seriously, if they have better choice, no one would want to leave their homelands and work as cleaners, maids or even worse- prostituted themselves at 5 bucks at a land which is totally strange for them. In my opinion, I think that the pressure and judgement of the 'other higher classes' around forced them to stick together closely with one another. As such, they always appear in group or gang. It is an obvious sign of insecurity.

No, I am not joining the bandwagon to voice about the maid-abuse issue. Actually, it's my present encounter with them drives me to jot down something about this special group of people. Just like any other huge company, mine also hired a lot of foreigners to do the cleaning job. Since we all share the same pantry and working area, I always have chance to observe them closely when I have nothing better to do.

All of them are from different countries but they all share a few significant traits.

1. They walk across people fast with eyes staring on the floor. I am always amazed that they were able to avoid hitting the pillars, shelves and things around them.

2. If they accidentally having eye-contact with other employees who are not doing domestic work, some kind of uneasiness will rise from their eyes. Quickly, they will look away and continue staring down.

3. When they see others coming from the front, no matter how much stuff they were carrying, they would automatically moved to the side and allowed others to walk past first.

4. During lunch hour, they would avoid sharing the same table with the rest of the people. Normally, when they had no choice, they chose to sit at a corner and tried to hide their entire head into the lunch box while eating.

5. They always looked sorry and apologised first when they thought they were blocking others' way but in fact is the other way round.

6. They never greet anybody or make any noise when non-cleaners are around.

Their inferiority is apparent. I don't know why but it kills me in someways.

I really want to say 'Hi' to them sometimes but I am not sure how would they feel and react about it. I feel sad seeing them swallowing the food from their lunch box, which is normally some curry soup over the plain rice. A lot of questions played in my mind--"Do they miss a home-cooked meals from home?"; "How often they call home?"; "When could they go home?"; "What do they feel about working here?"; "How do they think about the themselves and the other members in the society?"

Some people might think that I care too much about some unnecessary stuff. Maybe I am, though trust me, I can understand how it feels like in someway. I worked ALL kinds of job before. I worked as babysitter, maid, cashier, waitress, went selling books door-to-door and even cleaned some bathroom and toilets before for living. Life is hard and sometimes you just have to do everything to survive.

My grandparents used to have one disturbed Indonesian maid who mixed her urine into the drinking water jar and also some others who stole. Meanwhile, I had relatives who slapped and insulted her domestic helper besides pouring boiling water on her after she found out that her husband had been sleeping with the younger maid.

I guess, in general, nobody would like to be belittled or live right next to prejudice. But, we stay in a cold world, ruthless persecutions and generalizations are everywhere. Like what my Long Island host mom used to say, "Then toooOOooo bad, life is never fair.." Somehow, I think that everybody has their own destiny. Who knows, maybe after years of working, their families will be able to lead a better life.

Believe it or not, most of the time, the reason for us to be strong and fearless is our 'family'. It is the strongest support you could ever gain from this planet.

So, love yourself and love everybody. It's ok to be treated mean but never be mean to anybody. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I believe in 'karma'. Life is definitely going to take you to a place where you belong.

Gibberish

2008-12-14T05:30:00.000-08:00

Have anyone of you notice that time runs faster than the Japanese 'Shinkanse' after college? Again, Christmas and Chinese New Year is around the corner. I thought I just had my Christmas in year 2008? JEEZ, it's the end. Year 2009 is coming. I was just in grief having my 24 years old birthday celebration; now, the ticking of the clock is alarming me about the approaching of 25 next year, following by 26, 27, 28, 29 and then 30?! LORD! I have to stop thinking about that else I will go crazy.

I realise that I have the tendency to act 'young' and 'cute' comparing to the passing three years. I started to cut my hair shorter with plenty of layers besides keeping bangs. Picking clothes that are 'baby doll' like is something that I would do, too if I think the attire suits me in someway. Meanwhile, wearing some make-up seems to be a necessary thing to do nowadays. Majority of my skincare products carry the anti-aging and wrinkle-fighting functions. Things get more complicated right now as I used to only need to put on moisturising cream. *sigh* Women definitely have a life-long declaration of war to the things, which are closely related to their outward appearance. We go insane losing weight, burn hole in pocket for grooming and even kill to grab on the tail of youthful age. I swear, in my next life, I want to be a man!

Anyways, as cliche as it sounds, my life is really a roller coaster. There are too many extremes. It can be painful, but seriously, I love it. I am sorry mom, it is impossible for me to live up to your expectation of a good daughter, who is obedient. I am not wild but I just don't like being trapped in a conventional society, following some kinds of rules that I think I am not supposed to. The changes in life make me grow in a steady way and I am really glad that I have a 8 months old niece now. Oh, no, the niece thing and the whole previous paragraph has no direct relationship, I guess I am just missing her right now since she is definitely a freaking adorable baby.

I was on a jet plane not too long again and then I moved away. Now, I will have to move again pretty soon. Gosh, this life journey thing is never going to give me a break. But I think I like it in someways. It's exciting, isn't it? Again, a new place with new experience! yeah!

Currently, I am a working class at this Japanese company. Most of the time, I can't differentiate myself from a cleaning lady. White people who came to the store will ASSUME I were a retard and started to spell out each and every word they were saying. 0_o. Well, I guess I will ask if I don't understand. It can be frustrating sometimes but I like my job since it is really an easy-money to earn. the toughest part might be the Japanese style of management system, which include countless times of briefing a day. Though, I can live with it as long as I could have a peek at the books I like once in a while at the corner.

I am not gay but I pro-homosexual. I always think that they are cool. So, I have been reading this Apple's gay blog for quite a while. I like the way the writer conveys his thoughts into words and also admire his truthfulness towards his real feelings. Undeniably, he has a very very wonderful command of language that is rare to be found from other bloggers. However, his recent post about Malaysia Vs Singapore and also Johorean Vs KL people pissed me off. I am not defensive, it's just that I can't tolerate ignorant people to talk about something they don't even know and ended up using ONLY A LOT of generalizations! Come on, if you really want to write something you have no any shit thoughts about, go do some research instead of just using your instinct or friends' opinions. It is just pathetic and ridiculous! I was going to drop a line at his post days ago but then I knew it is going to be more than one lines so I didn't do it. GOD! I am really busy with work nowadays! I don't even have time to show my hostility! Hmm, I think I still love gay people and I still admire gay's Apple writing. But, I still hate the post. Anyways, nobody cares. So, I shut up!

I am not sure about what I have said in this post and also what the purpose was. I think it is just another random update, where there was no connections among paragraphs. I guess besides the aging part, I am happy with my life right now. I am excited about the next coming change!

Hurray!

Liberty

2008-11-26T05:22:00.000-08:00

I could never forget the thrill of standing in front of the statue of liberty, seeing it with my own naked eyes for the first time. The weather was freezing cold but I felt my heart throbbing fast and there was heat rising within.
It was a token of friendship from France to the United States in the the year of 1886. The statue is gigantic. At the height of 151 ft, it stands on the pedestal and foundation, gazing at the world from the famous New York harbor. From the bottom, I was just a tiny dot that extended my neck to the maximal, trying to have a better view of the US icon.

It is a liberal land, which provides people with liberal dreams. Humans from every corners of the planet would try whatever way to flock to this freedom land, in search of individuals' dreams.

I was totally overwhelmed by the wonders of the dreamland. You are allowed to grow your own wings, spread it anytime you want to and fly high in the sky.

I forbid myself to generate any thoughts, staying a blank mind works better for my emotions. So far, I am proud to say that I am doing good, but I am sure I will get better.

I need a lock for memory and liberty in heart.

运气

2008-11-19T06:11:00.000-08:00

是的，这一次我就用久违了的华语来写这一篇文章。不为什么，只是想用不一样的文字来抒发‘波涛汹涌的感情’吧。此外，也想趁此机会温习一下已日渐陌生的母语。呃，身为受了无数年华文教育的华族后裔总该要写的出一篇起码像样的文章吧？！

最近生活掀起了大波浪，被乌云笼罩的我唯有苦中作乐，娱人自娱。其实日子还是不错的啦，好吃好住。想笑就笑，想哭就哭；从另一个角度去看，好像还蛮自由自在的叻！可能人在经历了一些事情后就会傻傻的在陀陀乌云中找寻光线吧。其实太阳的确是躲在黑云后啦，不过我还没找到它。待我们结束了这场‘躲猫猫’游戏我会告诉你们雨后真的就有彩虹喔! 请给我多一些时间。

在这里要告诉你们我一个漂亮朋友的故事。她可是我大学时期的校花，人比花儿娇，心似菩萨善的她有时傻呵呵的，有时懒懒的，有时却又精明能干（其实以前我有写过她的故事,好奇者请按这里，你可以看到她沉鱼落雁的尊容噢!）。芳龄二十五的她早领先往日同学，写了不知多少本富含创意及教育性质的书，羡煞了多少旁人。但是，小女子她可是苦尽甘来的喔。她在被无理老板压迫了一年多后才闯出一番成绩。默默忍受，埋头苦干了这么久的她终于凭着那一群她引以为傲的‘孩子’闯出了一番春天，在异国觅得合意高职，即将离家展开另一页璀璨人生。我在羡慕之余真的也献上了无限祝福。经过了那么多的努力，那是她应得的啦！正所谓“不经一番寒彻骨，哪得梅花扑香？" （嘿，我可是有文学涵养的呖！）

近日与她聊了一会儿，脸上总露出大酒窝的她在谈到自己的成就突然显得有些严肃。她振振有词的诉说她对一些评语的不满。

“很多人都说我很幸运，可以找到一份自己喜欢而又高薪的工作。可是我在努力的时候有人看到吗？老板刻薄，乱发脾气，薪水又低。我经过了那么多次的艰跨国应征，找了近两年才成功找到这份合眼的工作，所以我真的不觉得我是靠运气。。。”

她的这一席话真的很引人深思。很多时候，我们总觉得别人被上天眷顾，遍逢好运。无可否认，有者在人生际遇中的确会好运连连；但是，更多的时候我们需要的是最基本的努力。与其在角落妒忌他人的成就、埋怨人生的不公平，何不站起来做一些应该做的事？有时候好运真的是可以在经过很多努力后创造出来的。

这只是一篇小品，愿与大家共勉之。

Cousins

2008-11-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

My mother hailed from a very big family. She was born as the eldest daughter and has other seven siblings in the family. Throughout my personal observation, I realise that the two biggest weak points in having such a gigantic traditional family being:

1. The family is always poor.
2. The siblings do not care about each other by heart.

My father came from another huge family, too. And, the saddest thing is, I don't know how many siblings my father owns. He never gets along well with them due to some family conflicts that I would never understand. So, this proves the second point as stated above to be correct.

Anyways, what I want to talk about here is my cousins. I am not sure how many cousins I have got from my father's side but I familiar with my mother's. If I am not mistaken, I think I have altogether 15 cousins from my maternal family. Most of them are around my age, which allowed me to have a lot of playmates back then. Yes, we were really close. Though, unavoidably, we all know that things changed tremendously in the process of growing up. Without me realising, we move away from each other eventually after losing the purest childlike innocence. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder-is this some kinds of price that we have to pay to grow up?

In fact, there are ongoing issues among ours parents, which might be one of the factors that drift us apart. However, I just couldn't help but wishfully indulge in the dreams of 'Maybe'. Yeah, maybe we could do better, if shits did not occur or we tried harder. Well, what done cannot be undone and nothing can be fixed through a one-way street. I am just going to rearrange my memories, update the data and then perhaps, seal off part of the old recollection.

THEY used to be my sweetest brothers and sisters... But now they are merely strangers whom I could barely recognize.

I. Ngee
He went to UK two years for study. His parents sold out two double storey-houses to sponsor his luxury life over there. Besides, he 'borrowed' 80K from my grandpa as school fee but we all know that he would never return the money. He would not even visit the grandparents after getting back from UK. He got a job now in KL and seems to be doing pretty good. I haven't seen him for years.

II. Fen
She failed in college for several times and then changed to another college to continue study. I heard some rumours that she did not graduate from the other college, too. Now, she is tutoring kids and might be running her own tuition center?! She teaches piano, too. When she was old enough to know that her family is rich and others were poor, she started treating others in a cold manner. She was brainwashed by her mom completely and treating everybody as her enemy.

III. Ming
He is a very good looking kid. He did not do good in school so after high school, he started helping out at his parents' store. He was spoiled in someways and intended to run some illegal business as a way to get rich. Owing to his gifted appearance, sweet-talking mouth and generous spending behaviours, he was able to change his girlfriends on a monthly basis ever since he was 17. He cheated on most of his previous girlfriends and currently he is co-habituating with a girl who has been dating him for like 4 years. This girl had abortion for three times and wanted to leave him. Though, the girl's mother injected her with the idea that sticking with a rich guy is the remedy to happiness for women. So, she is still staying with him, driving a big Honda car given by my cousin's mother.

IV. Na
She got a certificate in tourism and had worked as a tour-guide for a while. She used to lead the trips to China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. She is not the slim type but she is very attractive I shall say. She used to tell everybody that there were a lot of guys went after her or hit on her whenever she goes. Though, none of us could understand why she would once be with a jobless physically-challenged guy who took her car and cheated on her. Anyways, she learned a lesson and after that and now dating a rich dude who owns three boutiques in the region. According to my relatives, this rich dude is running a lot of illegal business underneath. Na resigned from her tour-guide job, drives a 'Waja' and became the lady boss of one of the boutiques. Many relatives who went to her shop complained that she shows people's attitude when they tried to get friendly. Her mother was upset about her frequent sleep-overs at the boyfriend's. She told me that she wished that the daughter could get pregnant someday and got married as she feels painful to witness the things going on everyday.

V. Jo
She is a teenager and she has no interest in whatever that relates to academic. After high school, she works at her sister, Na's shop. She likes nothing but buying new clothes, putting on make-up and taking pictures of herself. She was in some sorts of beauty pageant contest before but she did not win. She is just 18 but I heard that she has changed plenty of boyfriends ever since she starts dating. She spent like 600++ to perm her hair and has made up her mind to be a barbie doll, as if it was a blessing for eternal happiness.

Frankly speaking, I have not seen or talk with any of them for years. Asides from my personal encounters, the rest of the information were given by some other relatives. As such, the data might be biased or inaccurate. Besides, they can talk about me like the way I did to them here, since I have a lot of my flaws, too. Nonetheless, believe it or not, I am not trying to generate a very bad picture of them. It's just that part of me wished that we were still a group of kids, holding each other hands, playing games without judging anybody.

Let's turn back time...

What else?

2008-11-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

"锦上添花时时有

雪中送炭有几人

要学松柏千年绿

不做桃花一时红"

I am lucky to have a friend who is a "Charcoals-sender". It's precious in this world, isn't it? So, this nice friend of mine has been working with the same media company for like more than two years and she seems to be doing really good. When I asked her if she is happy with her job, she did not really reply me in a direct manner. Instead, she gave me a complicated look and said,

"Well, besides this, I really don't know what else I can do..."

That was kind of discouraging, in someways.

Then, I remember Chloe told me the same thing.

"I am not sure what else I can do, besides writing." Claimed Chloe, in a sunny afternoon after lunch.

These few days, I have the same doubt. So, besides writing bad copies of articles that need to be edited at least 10 times before getting published, what else can I do?

Sometimes, I am regret for being retarded in Science and some other boring subjects like:economy, business and finance. The professions like doctor, engineer, pharmasist and accountants provide a more promising income and future.

Though, I am SzeChia and I am who I am, I can never be someone else.

So what else I can do?

I think should be feeling proud of myself and having the guts to press the reset button in life over and over again.

That's indeed a blessing, I think.

The van. The memory.

2008-11-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

The van in the picture is widely seen everywhere. When I was little, looking at those colourful pictures and reading out loud the slogans that were printed around the vehicle's body seemed to be my hobby. I knew the advertising jargon-'Transit Advertising' when I was in the college; it is actually a term that describe the 'moving' advertising medium like train, bus, truck, van and so on. So, the 'Red Bull' was a transit advertisement.

Most of the times, those advertisements can be fun to look at as they are normally simple and catchy to the eyes. However, I do not believe that too many of you out there had really sat in those so-called advertising van or truck before. Well, I did, for uncountable times. My father used to be a salesman who drove around company's big vans (bigger and more colourful than the one in the picture, I swear), promoting the products besides delivering them to the particular stores. Of course, it was not with the 'Red Bull' company, he had done similar jobs with several different companies before. The only one that I have memory of was 'Tong Garden', the Asia's largest flavoured nuts supplier company.

Both of my parents hailed from extremely poor families which did not even able to provide them three meals a day. As such, education was an unreachable luxury for them. Listening to their upbringing was like being exposed to the greatest nightmare. I could never imagine myself growing like the way they did. Living itself was the toughest challenge for my parents as even the utmost basic thing like getting A bowl of rice A day also appeared to be impossible. But, somehow, they survived and then continue the circle of poverty.

My family was poor, in fact, we still do. But things are getting slightly better now since we need no educational funding or kids' pocket money anymore. Before that, it was a total mess. Everyday my parents argued about money and my mom worked like a dog just to make ends meet. Meanwhile, my father worked hard, too but he did not contribute much due to his different set of belief that forced him to make bad choices in life. In short, he was never a good husband and certainly stayed far away from the standard of being a responsible father.

I hated him. I blamed him for all the damages and pain he brought to the family. However, now I look back to my childhood memory with my father, all I have in my mind are the pictures of me sitting in my father's advertising van. That was the only transportation we had and he used to rush back home during lunch hour to take me to the tuition centre and sometimes found some excuses to leave earlier from work just to pick me up later.

I remember that year I was ten years old. One of my friends spotted me getting off from my father's 'Tong Garden' van in that burning hot afternoon. Then, she told my others classmates that I got off from a big colourful advertising van, asking if that was my father's van.

I was young and ignorant. I got embarrassed and defensive immediately. I denied it on the spot. Ever since then, I realised that I was the only one student who got off from a big advertising van whereas most of my friends had those rich parents who drove luxurious cars. I think I started having the idea of 'caste' right after that incident.

Obviously, I was ashamed by my father's van and most of the time I refused to have him drive me. When there was no other better options, I would walked away from the crowd to wait for my dad at a corner and then got on the van as fast as I could when he arrived to avoid attention. Besides, I would also moved my body off the car's window, placed myself into a total 'facing-the-right' side position so that even if my friends saw the van, they would not notice that I were sitting in it.

My sneaky behaviours sure made my father suspicious. One day, when I was sitting diagonally from the window, My father said to me," You just don't want to let your friends know that you are sitting in this kind of van, right? That's why you waited me at the other place and try to stay away from the window."

I was shocked to be confronted like that. So again, I denied, as if my actions were not apparent and cruel enough.

He did not say anything afterwards. Instead, he gave out a big sarcastic laugh. His eyes was hollow and the laughing was like the only expression he could use to cover his disappointment.

Unequivocally, he was not the best father. Anyhow, he was not the worst either. At least, he cared about his daughter even when she did not deserve it. If there were any chances again, I will sit in the huge advertising van, next to my father because now only I realise that having a father who cares is an undoubtedly honor in life.

M&M

2008-11-04T02:35:00.000-08:00

With the winning of numerous Grammy Awards, this Michigan-bred white rapper was recognized as the best amongst the best in the predominantly black Hip-Hop world. My black friends did not find him impressive but many white girls and 'Wigga-wannabe'(call me a racist! I don't give a damn) are crazy about him. I am not an expert in any genre of the music so I am not in the position to commend or critisize. I am not sure if he is always the best, though Marshall Bruce Mathers III aka Eminem;the miracle created by Dr Dre, is definitely my all-time-favourite.

I used to be a pure sentimental songs lover, anything besides sweet, slow and mellow music would drive me insane. Of course, I heard about Eminem-the talented white rapper ever since I was a teenager. However, I read more about his controversial personality, traumatizing chilhood, criminal backgroud and some other socially unaccepted behaviours. As such, I stereotyped him as another white trash who highlighted violence and sex as the unique selling point in his songs, poisoning the mind of the ignorance.

Chloe was the one who opened the door for me. Few years ago, she showed me the real Slim Shady's world. The music maestro keeps track of all those superstars' movements and Eminem happend to be one of her preffered artist. After her constant persuasion, I agreed to give it a try. His first song that I listend to was 'Cleaning out my closet'. Seriously, I found the music to be interesting. Immediately, I looked up the lyrics and I thought it was amazing. Ever since then, I got his CDs and started listening to them, exploring them one by one. I would be dishonest if I were telling you that all of his songs are wonderful. Frankly speaking, in my opinion, not all of them are great but I will conclude him as a rapper with strong verbal energy. Most of his songs had portrayed high quality of lyricism.

From his first album,'Infinite(1996)' to his coming 'Relapse(2008)', there had been an obvious transition of his music style. Insisting to ditch the shadows of other famous rappers away, he released his second album, 'The Real Slim Shady LP(1999)', which was totally exuding his astonish talent and personality. I could feel it when there is a true shocking memory behind a song; the painful hate-the-world vent and grumble can be the best mechanism to wash away your frustration in time.

The list of his songs that tickle my fansy: 'Cleaning out my Closet', 'Mocking Bird', 'Stan', 'The Kid', 'Like Toy Soldier', 'Hailie's Song', 'Lose yourself', 'My Name Is', 'Kim', 'Superman', 'Mosh' and recently-new-favourite-'White American'.

Chloe said she liked Eminem in suit, wearing glasses, looking hot and polite. I like it, too. But, I prefer him tearing off his tie and suit, showing off his big T-shirt with logo and pants that are a minimum of 40 full sizes over his original size!

Yes, he has tattoos. He got married for two times and divorced for two times with the same woman. He might be a druggie and alcoholic. He might be suffering from many forms of mental disorders and he could be the worst you ever got in this world.

Screw that! Who cares? At least he produces good music and he has been true to himself.

Huan ZhiYing

2008-10-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Huan Zhi Ying. I don't know what's the meaning behind my name and I don't really care. Sometimes people call me "BB" or "Ah B", too. Granny didn't like it, she insists on calling me "YingYing". Who cares? As long as you allow me to drool on you and take me to the park, I love you.

As a baby, I love sleeping, chewing on toys and papers, crying out loud, laughing for no reason and pulling down table cloths. Besides, I drool 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Granny said I will stop having drooling mouth after growing up. But when will that be? I have no idea.

I sleep most of the times when I am not playing.

And, I am always hungry. I am waiting to be fed. I love soft and warm porridge served with Bovril. Mommyyyy... I am waiting!

HHmmmmHH. Yum YuM! I want more!
Oh... My tummy is filled up. I am full... (0_o)
Daddy, Stop! I mah puke them out! I don't want to eat anymore!
I am a baby. I cry when I don't want to eat! I cry LOUD and I struggle!
I am a baby. Normally when I cry, I win. Hurray!

Daddy, Mommy, Granpa and Grandma are my SLAVES! hehe.They have to listen to me and serve me nicely else I cry. I IS POWERFUL! Though, evil aunt pinches me all the time, she pokes my belly, too. So, I pull her long hair when I have chance!

I AM A CUTE BABY! LOVE ME!

Sunshine Song

2008-10-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

The inside cry...

The other night dear as I lay dreaming
I dreamt that you were by my side
Came disillusion when I awoke dear
You were gone and then I cried

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once dear there'd be no other
That no one else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have broken all my dreams...

That was a song, which everybody sang when they were little. We rose our tiny arms, and bent our back to make a perfect 'O' shape when singing along with the music, under the instruction of the kindergarden school teachers. I thought it was a happy songs until I had a look at the lyrics yesterday, gingerly.

It used the simpliest words to present the pain somebody been through, losing the beloved one, I guess?! Then, it was composed with a happy-sounding music. Surprisingly,the two contrasting emotions matched together, following by the production of a grieving AND delightful song?

Yeah, too many times in life, we laugh;ignoring the tears that were hidden somewhere.

Daytona Beach, Florida

2008-09-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

SUMMER 2008

So, People who were selling books, love you all~! Thanks for staying together, creating 'Us' the utmost astonishing chapter in ours life! See you all real soon. MUAKS!!!

China Town and Chinese New Year

2008-02-11T00:14:00.000-08:00

Just like the China Town in New York City, Boston and Washington DC, the China Town in Los Angeles is messy and dirty, too. I talked to some friends about it some time ago, we thought that maybe it is a trait of Chinese people?! Oh really? I don't know. At least I am not like that.

Though, no matter how terrible it is, China Town is always a place for me to find a sense of homeliness. I just like to see people with the same skin color walking by, talking the same languages as I do and hopefully getting some food which is similar to what I had in Malaysia.

We set off at noon and get stucked in the heavy traffic for 2hours. Yeah, cursed the traffic in LA. It reminds me of KL, actually it is worse that KL. Anyways, after getting stucked for two whole hours, we still couldn't get there because all of the exits to China Town was closed as there was a Chinese New Year Parade going on. So, screwed that. We got off another exit to hunt for Hong Kong food. Then, we got back to China Town in the evening. Most of the shops were closed so wasn't able to really witness the real busy scene of Chinese New Year.

But, I still think that I have to at least visit some place for the Chinese New Year so I walked around the dark and quiet China Town, looking for nothing in particular but something that I would feel familiar with.

That's what I have found that night:

Fake lion-dancing that was hilarious and idiotic by some Mexicans and White people.

The China Town at night.

The lonely red lanterns in the dark frasty sky.

I guess I feel more lonely. I need to go home, I mean it.

Happy Chinese New Year

2008-02-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

The utmost lonely Chinese New Year I ever have in my entire life. This is the first time, I feel like I am the only soul in this world. I breathe alone, in a tiny messy room; I ate my reunion dinner alone, which were the pieces of left over sushi and I sleep alone, on the cold and tiny bed.

Happy Chinese New Year to myself. I hope that I can be surrounded by my family at the next Chinese New Year.

Suicide

2008-01-29T09:08:00.000-08:00

A drunkard's wife decided to leave him, owing to the fact that he was hardly sober and could never figure out the difference between hallucination and reality.

It was a rainy night. The city was taken by the intermitten rain but the drunkrad's wife was not aware of the rain as she was busy packing her stuff in the tiny and messy studio apartment.

The drunkard came home, exuding the strong smell of alcohol that could kill any living animals easily. He saw the wife who was going to leave. He knew that was going to happen so he did not stop her. He kept silent, headed to the fridge and took out some booze, sitting at the dirty futon while watching the wife packed.

Approaching the door, the wife saw the heavy rain, which obviously was not a good weather to drag two huge suitcases and leave. So she chose to stay for another night, planning to leave early in the next morning, when the rain stopped.

The wife layed on the futon silently. The atmosphere was haunted by the creepy quietness, as none of the creatures in the room made any noise or intention to talk. Drunkard turned the wife around, looked into her eyes with passison, just the the way he looked at her when they first met ten years ago. He offered her 'Corona Extra', the only beer that she would really drink. Enchanted by the pair of hazel eyes, she took a few sips.

Drunkard held the wife in warm embrace, then, let her lay on his chest, which was a place where she used to turn to when she was lost.

He offered her the bottle for a couple more times, encouraging her to drink more since that was the last night for her to be there. Next, he finished the whole drink by himself, whilst holding her tight in his arm.

The wife started feeling dizzy. She thought that was the effect of the beer. At the moment of falling asleep, she heard somebody mumbling something in the cold air.

"There are poison in the beer. How nice would that if we could die together now, in each other arms, stay together forever, am I right?"

Unconciously, the wife nodded her head weakly. Tears rolled down from the coners of her eyes, right to the chest of the drunkard. The chest was wet, so did the long brown hair of the wife.

Feeling the nodding of the wife, the drunkard laughed.

'Weirdo." He said to his teary wife who was in comma, before closing his own eyes.

The next morning, the room was filled with the smell of alcohol, two huge luggages, empty bottles, pieces of junks and two motionless bodies on the blue futon.

The irony: Was that for the alcohol or love?

It makes no sense

2008-01-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

Human's mind is interesting. Sometimes, out of the blue, without you even aware of it, you are bombarded by a lot of old memories.

I worked full time during the winter break. Basically, everyday after 3pm, the business goes slow and quiet. I would sit at the chair near the entrance, and looking at the sunset, catching the last glimpse of the weak sunlight. I didn't think about anything at all. Though, I could always see the different pictures, which were like pieces of puzzles with only images, telling the stories of my passing years.

I saw myself as a 7-year-old, standing in front of the rusty gate, refusing to follow my 11-year-old brother to the tutor's place for tuition class. It was about 7o'clock in the evening. My mother was pulling a long face, about to raise her fingers and pinched me at the chubby cheek. But, the brave little me had my little hand holding the aging gate, firm and tight. That was a picture I have in mind for weeks. I couldn't remember what I had said to my mom which saved me from a beating. However, this afternoon, suddenly, I heard a childlike conversation from my heart,

"Mommy, I have to go to tuition classes 6 days a week after school. Then I have to do my homework and learn spelling. I don't want tuition classes. I don't even have time to see you."

I guess the sentences matched the image. I remember my mom put her raising hand back, looked at me in a very complicated face before turning away.

Then, I have some pictures of me and Chloe in the college. We stayed in Section14, walking to classes everyday. We went to movies and lunches or dinner at the worst eatery in PJ. I was crying in the cinema, watching King Kong with her. I cried too hard and had to cover my mouth with my hand so that I would not interupt other audiences. She kindly passed me tissues. My previous classmates like: Ah Leng's's, Tasha, Chauyen's, Ah Choo's, Rachel's, Chen Chien's and Kenjo's photos were playing in my mind, too. They were like different little pictures that stroke my mind, reminding me about my youthful years in college.

There were pictures of my hamsters and guinea pigs, too. I was a breeder and had kept a lot of them as pets. Two of the furry ones were given by Protocol as gift for my birthday two or three years ago. I have the pictures of them running around, stealing food and biting my lips.

I don't really have any images popped out regarding my elementary or secondary or highschool. I don't know why. Maybe, I missed them completely or maybe there wasn't many pleasant pictures to be remembered of.

Everything that happened in Malaysia seem to be a kind of history, which were jotted down in the text book. When you pick it up for reading, you feel that they were amazing, but you are just unsure if they are true, or did actually really took place.

Looking back at my present life in US, I am wondering if it is real, too. Could it be an illusion in my mind only? Honestly, I don't know what is reality anymore. Nothing seem to be real at the moment.

If i did not took the Korean Air to US last year October, how is my life going to be like in Malaysia? working as a Journalist? Copy writer? Customer Service Officer? Homemaker? A mother of two? or what? Life is definitely not going to be the same.

The escapism from my hometown granted me the total freedom to make big decision on my own. I do not have to care about others' judgement anymore. So, I live like an unleased horse, running in the forest, enjoying the fresh air and cool breeze in this foregin land. I call it a period of 'floating'.Yeah, on the surface of the sea, not sure when am I going to be drown but at the same time, feeling lucky as I am still able to breathe and survive. Of course, there are consequences, I paid price for foolish actions. In order to learn, some people just have to pay.

I have to pinch myself so hard sometimes, to make me aware that the life that I am having right now is not a dream. I find it weird cause I could hardly feel happy or sad anymore. I am like imune to all kinds of emotions. I am just neutral all the time.That's why, I give out neutral answers and comments all the time.

I was in the airport sending Protocol home weeks ago. Ever since then, I could not help but start picturing myself in her position, having friends sending me off at the airport. The only difference is unlike her, I would never be back here anymore. In the picture, I was waving goodbye at my friends, no warm hugs, no emotions on face. I looked numb and waved lifelessly. When my eyes met the deep depressing eyes, my emotion did not change. Though, I heard loud smashing noise. Looking down, I saw my bloody pounding heart on ground, breaking into pieces.

I saw myself carrying luggages, jumping on a jet plane, flying to another foregin city again. I got myself a job, and rented an apartment, staying all by myself, without knowing a single soul in the alien city. Living like a hermit seems to be appealing, sometimes I do think that I need nobody. That will be more relaxing, without the ties of love and hate and responsibility.

I am sorry, this post makes absolutely no sense. I guess it portrays my feeling now, just weird.

Finally

2007-12-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

--Finally, we setteled down in Santa Ana. We got jobs after cycling for miles. Not very good-paying job but that was a good start. The bosses and co-workers were nice. We were happy. In the meanwhile, we are looking for some better payment job.

--Finally, we got into school in Fall. After all the hardship in applying, we got what we want-live as a student again, having our major in Marriage and Family Therapy. The school is stupid, still, we are happy cause at least we are students now. Meanwhile, we are thinking of changing to a school in LA, any schools should be better than ours.

--Finally, we changed the Visa. Not a stuoid J1 au pair anymore. We are F1 student in US now, we felt relieve.

--Finally,We lead our regular routine by going to work, then doing homework then school. Sometimes, hainging out with each other. we have been to Universal Studion, and Disneyland. Of course, we tried a lot of good food. We are always bombared by assignments, rushing to get the work done till 3 or 4am . Though, we always have ways to entertain ourselevs. 'Finding enjoyment in a bed of thorns", that's what we have been doing.

--Finally, We got chance to mix with people from all over the world. Most of them were super nice to us. The friendshipd grow. Sometimes, we feel that we are truly blessed. Fate bring us together. We are thankful for having them, who lend their hands when we need them.

--Finally, We got a car. It's a 1994 buick. It's an old car but it's still in good condition. We got it from a Dutch grandparents at 250 US dollar, which is the cheapest price that nobody would believe. Then, we spent hundreds for fixing, hundreds for insurance and regirstration. Not oo bad, the engine is still good. I think we love the car. We drove it to work and school and I have been practicing my skill, so that I can pass my driving test this time. I know I am sucked in driving, but, I think someday I will really get the license, which I have been thinking about ever since last year.

--Finally, My brother got married. My Sister-in-law is going to have the baby next year, April. It's a baby girl. Now, my parents are are busying thinking about the name for the baby. I just wish that the baby can be healthy and happy and kind. That's the 3 most important elements in life. Protocol's going home in two weeks for Spring break. I will be alone but I guess I will be fine.

-- Finally, the semester is going to end in two weeks. Protocol said that she will be back from home earlier. "We shall make a trip to Las Vegas". I was so excited and started searching on the packages to LV. I recalled the trips we had in Washington DC, NYC, Boston and so on. Yeah, it's always good to travel with a good partner who enjoys life and living at the present.

--We registered for Spring classes. At the moment, planning to change the school. We were dreaming about completing the study and get a related job in US for a while, before returning home. It was a wonderful plan, I guess I smiled in in my dream that night.

--Finally, we thought that everything should be ok , at leats for a period of time, laughing at joking abiut each other, waiting for the semester to end.

--Finally, went to a Whiskey Tasting party yesterday night. It was fulled of white people who are originally from Dutch, Ireland and Sweden or America. Everybody was curious about my background. After repeating the same answer for thousands times, I found the balcony and hid. From the horizon, I saw the freeway, and the city of Riverside and LA. No moon, the stars were glittering in the sky. It was 45F yesterday night. I felt my inner organs were shaking. "Are you cold?" Somebody was asking. "Nope." I replied with a smile. I realised that the sky is too wide and endless. However, maybe the sky here doesn't belong to me.

--Finally, I have real financial problem. Family refused to help this time. Mom asked me to pack and go home. I cried to sleep yesterday night, maybe it's a sign of weakness, but I guess it was good to let go some confused sorrow. Where the life is going to take me? or should I lead myself to somewhere?

--Finally, getting back from brunch in Rowland High. The food was good, I ate a lot and was surprised at my own appetite during depression. When I was walking to the parking lot, I felt the sunlight, but the cold wind was blowing. Fall is here, Winter is coing. I left California last year in January. Is the history going to repeat? I guess it's a spell, or curse?

--Finally, I am sitting in front of my favourite laptop, sipping green tea and updating my blog. I seem to be only posting about my agony and confusion nowadays. *sheesh* Not a good sign. But, I guess I will feel better after venting it out. I drink my green tea, it's green. I think I like it.

Wedding Bells

2007-10-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

The die is cast, come weal, come woe
Two lives are joined together,
For better or for worse, the link
Which naught but death can sever.
The die is cast, come grief, come joy.
Come richer, or come poorer,
If love but binds the mystic tie,
Blest is the bridal hour.

--Mary Weston Fordham

October 14, 2007 (Sunday). I heard the sounds of the wedding bells...the melody went across the boundary of region, passing through the pacific ocean...

The joy, love and blessing...

Jubilant Dinner...

You and Me, Now and Forever...

Tears trickled down my cheeks, when I was looking at the photos. I missed my dearest brother's wedding. Once in a lifetime, I missed it forever...

Deep inside my heart, I pray for the couple, may you two smothered by bliss, showered by love, overwhelmed by happinesss...

Not asking for fairy-tale-like happily ever after, but eternal companionship, with fidelity and dedication.

I wasn't appearred in any of the photos, I absented from the whole ceremony. This is a regret, which will stay with me forever...

The Moon

2007-10-23T23:46:00.000-07:00

I like looking at the moon. It doesn't necessary to be a full moon, I don't like the shape of circle that much.

Moon radiates with gentle warm light, appearing like a loving mother in the sky.

The strong wind was blowing; but, the moon was hanging still in the sky, exuding amiable charm from the darkness.

Walking along the sidewalk, inhaling the cold air.
Wind moved across the face. Though, it's hard to feel the freeze, the love of the moon was overwhelming.

I love the moon. Thank you. MUAKS.

To Linly

2007-10-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

I would like to dedicate this post to one very special friend, Linly. First of all, I have to apolozise to her, I am sorry, Linly, I was forced to steal one photo from your blog as this post is written just for you. If you detest this idea, please feel free to tell me, I will take the photo down.

She's a friend whom I have 'really' known for like one year. Knowing her is actually a miracle and destiny, I guess. It's funny to recall ours friendship. In fact, she's a friend, whom I have never met in real life. Now, lend me your ears and I will tell you guys about our story.

August 2006, after knowing the exact flight and departure date to US, I was kinda nervous and anxious about everything. The unseen future with numerous scary possibilities freaked me out. To ease my heart, I logged into a special au pair Yahoo group created by the agency, posting some of my worries while searching if there's anyone out there who would have the same departure date as mine. Unfortunately, I was destinied to fly alone, though, I saw one girl posted some of her concerns, too and she was going to fly for US on the 11th September, it's like two weeks ahead of me. Immediately, I wrote an e-mail to her, asking her about the feeling and preparation. She replied with a lot of kind words as we shared the same mixed feeling of leaving homeland and staying with weird Americans.

At last, she reached Michigan. Still, we kept in touch. After two weeks, I reached California. Then, I got to talk with her over the phone. Out of the blue, in one of the conversations we had, we talked about our background information. Then, HELL! Only at that particular moment, I knew that she actually had her study in the same university as mine, and we actually were in the same faculty. And, we studied the same course but different major.Then, I asked for photos-exchange and discovered the utmost shocking thing-We had certain subjects in the same classes before and she sat besides me in the lecture hall before!

Starting at that moment, it's hard for me to not believe in something we call 'Destiny'. Life's really amazing, isn't it? She was once so near to me but I didn't really care. After travelling more than 9000 miles away from home, I actually get to know her in this foreign land. The seed of friendship was growing rapidly since then. We talked on the phone and chatted online. She tried to be there for me when I had to deal with horrible Americans. She showed her concern and care during my lonely ThanksGiving and Christmas. Besides, she tried her best to help me throughout the rematching process. I was really touched.

Like what she had mentioned in my comment's section, "I chased you all the way from California, New York, New Jersey, and Georgia..." Yeah, she tried her very best to meet me but we couldn't do it due to the discrepancy of dates, holiday and also air tickets. Later on, I moved from West to East, and then East to South. Now I am back to the West Coast again, still, I hasn't seen her in real life yet. Unfortunately, I am not sure when will I ever have chance to see her as she flew back to Malaysia weeks ago. 0_o

I am definitely not happy about everything. I am sorry for my frequent moving. I really want to see you in real life. Remember the time when I was in georgia? We tried so hard to plan for a trip together. Florida, Texas, South or North carolina... We searched online, planning to meet each other at the airport. But then, due to the costly expenses, we painfully call it off.

So, now she's like living in the other planet, far from reaching. I know that she has a hard time readjusting her life, the reversed culture shock was killing her. Though, no worries Linly, things will be alright. You are the brave tortise right? You will certainly outrun those stupid rabbits. Hang on, I miss you. You are one of the special friend whom I will keep in my heart forever. Maybe when I am back home someday, I can see you in real life. Be prepared for a big warm hug. MUAKS.

All the best in life. US is a place for us to realise most of ours dream. You have most of yours came true, that's a blessing. :)

LOVE YOU!!

23

2007-09-30T00:53:00.000-07:00

I had my first birthday in US days ago. I didn't really do anything special on that day as there was nothing really for me to celebrate about. I don't believe in birthday and I always think that I have only one birthday in my entire life, which was the exact day I was born 23 years ago. Besides, after moving to Santa Ana, I have been really busy. Working and having my master study at the same time, kind of exciting huh?! Yeah...0_o. After getting off from work I gotta work on my assignments and journals. So, the result- I never get chance to have a good sleep and do my own stuff. I am always in a state of exhaustion.

Though, my silly friend, Protocol always remember that. She insisted that we should go out and do something fun. So, we went to 'The block', watched a movie, had some shopping, had some drink and then late night dinner. It's just regular, but I enjoyed every moment. I couldn't explain that, just it's really nice to have a good friend who insisted on celebrating your birthday. She bought me a purse, a ring and a cute skirt. In returning her kindness, I gave her a kiss. MUAKS. Protocol, my life will defnitely incomplete without you. Love you.

Then I have a surprise. A friend from West Virginia sent me a gift. When I picked up the parcel at the post office, I thought that it's going to be something general. But, who knows? I got a REAL surprise! When I opened the parcel, I found one stuff animal inside, that was a guinea pig! OH MY GOSH! It looks exactly the same to my previos pet, 'Piggy'. Thanks Will, I appreciate that, a lot. Thank you! Thanls for being so sweet, thoughtful and always be there for me. That's the best present ever! Thanks. All the best to you. :P

MY Piggy! Yeah! This piggy will stay with me forever! Awesome.

So, what now? hmm.. I am 23 years old right now. How time flies, I couldn't believe it. I am getting older and older, it's kinda depressing. Though, like what Protocol said, "We don't have to feel bad for gettig older, as we are doing something meaningful in life and we have learn and experienced so much if compare to others..."

That's true... I am happy of who I am. I love my life at the moment, it allows me to really try something different and I have freedom to do whatever I want. Life's in our hand. I think in some way, if you really try your best, you can have some control on it.

So, sweet 23! Yeah! My life ahead will get better!

Again, Goodbye. Hi, New Life

2007-09-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

There are too many 'Goodbyes' in our life. Again, on 2ND September 2007 (Sunday), I had to wave my hands at my friends in Georgia. Thank you, guys. I can never thank you all enough, I remember every single little thing you guys have done for me, that's a kind of warmth, which I am able to sense it, even at the moment I am jotting down my thoughts here.

Life's fulled of surprise. Or like the quote from the movie, which happened to be Chloe's favourite, "Life's a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get next..." That's so true, isn't it?

Right now, I am in Santa Ana, California. It's a nice place, to be honest, I like it alot. Somebody once said that, 'if you hate moving from places to places, you might as well go back to Malaysia, don't bother to stay here in US'. That's kinda mean in someway but it's a fact though. Life's a journey, it's never a destination. I love the saying. So, right now, I carry on my journey in CA.

Living is a bliss. You are the artist of your life. Sometimes, we have to throw away logical sense of design or conventional rule, use some random colours to paint it, who knows? You might be able to produce another 'Monalisa Smile', to be precise, should be a better one... You never know.

I am turning 23 years old soon. My very first birthday in US. Well, screw that, who cares about birthday? I don't. It's just that life's never come back. Recalling my year in US from a distant at a whole, I have no regrets. I have many of my dreams came true.

I guess I have more things that I have to deal with right now. So, hang on. As long as you believe in it, there are hope.

Yeah! I see the light! :p

Geogia

2007-08-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

I have been here for one month, even though I did complain a little bit about me not liking Georgia before. Though, that happened when I was really cranky. That wasn't real. Well, in fact even though Georgia is not that 'happening' if compare to the huge states like New York or California, it's not really that bad. :p

There is quite a huge Asian population in Atlanta, GA. There's not so much going on here but still, the 4 main attractions here, 'The Stone Mountain', 'The coke museum', 'The Georgia Aquarium' and 'CNN' attract quite a lot of tourists from the states nearby. So, that day, my roommates'(the loving married couple whom I mentioned in my previous post)parents came visit. I joined them in their one day trip! I went to the three attractions besides 'CNN'. *sigh. My friends' parents weren't interested in that. haha.. too bad, never mind, maybe I can visit there sometimes later. :P

OK. So, cut the crap. The first destination-- Stone Mountain. Basically, it's a mountain that was formed by a gigantic stone. There was an amazing carve against the huge stone. Now, enjoy the photos.

I took this photo because of the extremely hot guy with tattoo on his shoulder. MAN! He was super hot! He was tanned and have six packs on his stomach. Wow... I tailed him along and caught the photo!

After the exhausting climb under the super hot sun in this summer, it's good to have a cup of creamy ice coffee from Starbuck, served by a hot guy, O_0, wasn't able to catch his photo! Bah, I wasn't happy...

The loving couple with lemon. Aren't they cute? :) I love them a lot, super nice people.

Before setting off to the coke museum, we had some little extra time so we chilled out a little bit in a park nearby. The summer in Georgia was killing everybody. So, there was a man made waterfall in the open area. Wow... Go have fun!

Second Destination--The Coke Museum. It's a museum of coke. It was an awesome place as you got to see cool 4D movies, history of cokes, the making of coke, the advertisement of coke, the greatness of coke, and drink as much as coke as you want to, in that museum! It's all about coke! Yeah!

Here's the weird coke from Italy. It tastes BITTER! Gosh! It's so unique. Coke from different countries taste differently! You guys have to try it!

Final Destination! The Georgia Aquarium. Hmmm. This is an enormous aquarium. But, I prefer the one in Boston, which I went with Protocol. We got to see penguins, but not here in Georgia. :P

Personally, I love the last picture the most. I was kinda emotional when I saw the huge whale swimming behind the glass.

"Where's your home, my big whale? You belong to the deep and mystic blue sea... I want to be like him.. I want to turn into a big fish, but I want to swim in the sea.. not in the aquarium..."

Anyways, it was a fulfilling trip. :) My friends and their parents had been really nice to me. I can never thank them enough. I love you all! :P

Likes&Love

2007-08-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

http://ninjamonkeys.co.za/media/in_love_016.jpg

Likes and Love. What's the difference? I know, it's a very emo and lame topic to talk about. But I came across one article about that issue months ago, all of a sudden, it just stroke my mind. I think I gotta write something about it. It's actually a good story that all of us should read.

One day, a kindergarten school teacher was teaching the kids about the huge animal on earth, elephant.

One boy said aloud, " I LIKE elephant!"
After that, one girl said, "I don't like elephant but I LOVE it!"

Other kids started to make noise. They were bothered by the difference between love and likes. Some of them claimed that love and likes are the same whereas some of them said that only love is the real inner feeling. The teacher was kinda amused by that, she smiled seeing all those little children arguing with one another. At last, the teacher took the kids to a park nearby.

When they were sitting in a circle, the teacher said to all her fellow students,
"Now, boys and girls, walk around this park and find something that you think you 'LOVE'. After that, show them to me and tell me why you love them so much.."

Then, those kids walked around the park and collected something they claimed to love in their little hands.

One chubby boy showed the teacher a little squirrel in his hand. He told the teacher, " I love this little squirrel so I catch him when he was unaware.. He looks really cute."

One girl with pig tails handed the teacher a small little yellow flower, she said to the teacher, " This flower is so pretty, I love it so picked it and shows it to you, Miss, isn't it lovely?"

Another skinny boy happily showed his teacher a colorful butterfly he found in the soil. He said, "Teacher, this butterfly is so pretty, I think I love it so I caught it and show it to you. WOW. It has the utmost wonderful colors I have ever seen."

Initially, other children showed their teacher the little things they have collected from the park. Some of them had shining stones, green leaves and squashy worms. Under the hot sun, their redden fat cheeks glistened with sweats. They were like a a hive of bee, buzzing the teacher with what they had collected. While smiling at those innocent faces, the teacher saw one of her students standing silently at a corner. She went up to the girl.

The girl looked at the teacher helplessly. In her lowest sweet voice, she told the teacher she didn't get anything from the park.

She said, " I saw an adorable squirrel. I love it so much but I didn't catch him, I think he should be staying in on the tree with her family. Then, I saw the little yellow flower on the ground, it was really pretty but I didn't pluck it because it belongs to the nature. It needs mother nature to keep growing strong and survive. At last, I saw the big and colorful butterfly. The colors it had tickled my fancy but I just couldn't catch it cause I think she will be happier to fly among the flowers and bushes..."

The teacher laughed and patted the girl. Next she held her in warm embrace while telling the others kids who were circling the little girl,

"That is love. A real love which I was talking about. It's totally different from the likes... Love is setting it free, seeing it grows while ensuring it stays safe and happy. "

The story above is interesting but yet meaningful, isn't it? I like it a lot so would like to post it here for you guys to read, if you have time. :)

Cheers.

Pride March (23th June 2007)

2007-08-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Warning! Long Post with lots of photos!

There was this annual Pride March for gays and lesbians being held in New York City. Luckily, I was able to witness this huge activity in Manhattan on that wonderful weekend with Protocol, YeeLing and Aloyna. haha. It's was just amazing! I always love to participate in this kind of ceremony. Hell yes, I love homosexuality. Nope, neither do I a gay nor supporting this culture. It's just that I strongly believe that every humans have equal rights and we have to fight for it. Yeah!

Besides those extremely HOT and STRIKING gay and lesbians associations, there were transsexuals, bi-sexual, SM club, and Nudity societies enrolled in the march. It was a day with total sexual freedom! People marched topless or even nudely just to achieve equality and creating awareness. Yes, you might say that Americans are crazy! aha. Welcome to America! I love it! You guys have fun!

First of all. Protocol, Aloyna and I. :p

After seeing the beauties, the HOT and SPICY show begins!

OOH MY GOSH! Those SUPER hot guys with olive skins and well-built bodies made us DROOL! We were so excited and had problems in breathing when seeing them passing by, smiling at us! GOD must be crazy! They couldn't be gay... NO WAY! Anyway, Let's continue...

We had SO MUCH fun until we couldn't stop laughing and shouting! ForGodsake..They were way tooo HOT! We took thousands of photos and still couldn't stop snapping... I chose a few to upload here and show you guys! CHLOE and TASH, you guys want the completed version? haha.. wait till I go back to Malaysia!

That was the utmost exciting and exotic street party we ever attended in our entire life! Those activist came from ALL over the world and states just to join this ceremony! We could never took enough pictures of those SUPER hot guys! :P Personally, I love the no.10 picture (count from bottom) the most! There were millions of sexy and cute guys, but I love the queer-looking guy the most.. WHY? I don't know.. Like what Protocol said,

" You only like those very weird looking things and people.."

hahah. yes, I am.. :P For me, the guy's charm was deadly.. arg!! It's just way TOO fabulous!

Joviality

2007-08-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

I called my mom this morning. After that, I couldn't hide the smile away from my face. I am really happy today, I have a jubilant mood after hearing the news from my mom. My big brother is getting married in this coming October. It's shocking and definitely unexpected. But, it's a good news, isn't it?

I have that kind of love and hate relationship with my big brother. He hated me to death when we were young. We couldn't get along at all and he used to punch me on my face. (No Kidding, seriously.) Once, he used a pencil to stab me until my knee bled. My body was always in the state of black and blue due to his AWESOME treatment. My mom punished him thousands times over for being brutal to me, but he didn't seem to care. He would beat me up first and then later get beaten up by my mom. I told you guys, he freaking hated me. I used to think that he secretly bearing a plan to kill me. Yes, that was ours relationship. I bore grudges toward him and we didn't had any contact with each other for years as he moved to my grandparent's house for good and had stayed there for years.

Though, people do change. After I got into college, out of the blue, we started talking to each other. I don't know why, maybe it was because we didn't get to see each other that much and both of us had finally grown up. He would call me when I was in the capital city on his sleepless nights, telling me craps which made me laugh my ass off. We went out for supper sometimes and he tried to go home more often to visit the whole family. He grumbled to me about his previous girlfriend and also all sorts of weird friend he had. How things changed, it was totally amazing. Then, 2 years ago, after moving to a new house, he moved back and stayed with us. Since then, we were so close to each other. We shared a lot of secrets and he would always give me a call, asking me what I wanted to have for lunch when I was having my term break at home. My silly brother would even drag me to his room, showing me his wide collection of pornographic DVDs (0_o. I am sorry, it's true though. Yes, he is my brother..) I definitely miss the days where he urged me to see him playing his PS2 games. He was like a kid, wanting to show her little sister his talent in that. Silly boy. :)

Ohya, for those who had never seen my brother before, here's a link. I had a blog about him years ago.
My brother's recipe: 'Hokkien Flour Cake'. Haha. I told you guys, Yes, he's nuts. But this Nutty Head is going to be a DADDY! I couldn't believe it! He loves kids and had been telling me that he wants to become a father before 30, now his dream comes true! AWESOME.

Unfortunately, due to my Visa status, classes to attend and economic reason, it's impossible for me to fly back home for his wedding.It's a shame. I am his only little sister. I used to dream of attending his Chinese wedding, seeing him and his wife serving tea to my parents, it's really a fat hope right now... :(

*sigh. Never mind. Things' never going to be perfect. Brother Teck, I have never said that, but seriously, I love you. :) You are the best brother ever even though you screwed up my childhood. When we were really young, we used to have a little bit of good time. Do you still remember that? In the evening, before dinner time, we used to explore the little garden in front of our first old house? You always dug out all those disgusting squashy worms and threw them at me, making your little sister screamed like crazy and you laughed hysterically beside? You are naughty, Teck. :)

I don't know when will I see you again. Don't worry about that, I will ask for yours photos from the wedding album and show all my friends how pretty my sister-in-law is. :) She will be an awesome mommy cause she's as kind as an angel. We all love her. Mom told me that when I got home, I will have one niece or nephew calling me 'Gu Gu'. That's weird. I will be an aunt for a cute little stranger next year. Oh man, I couldn't believe it!

Hey, Brother and sister-in-law, may your life be blessed with bliss. :) I really miss you all. I am really in a extremely joyous state after knowing that. God bless you guys...

GOSH, I can't stop thinking about the little angel, a girl or a boy? I know you like boy, but, NOPE, your sister wants a niece, not a nephew. :P hahah. Sister-in-law, born me a niece. :P hehe.. I know, still a long way to go but I start imagine how he or she is going to look like... like this?Awww..

Damn, I am really excited! I felt like crying! My brother is getting married and going to have a baby. I can't take it as I have all those youthful memories of my brother in my mind...

I will pray for you guys. Love you all. :)

I am happy, I really do.

小白

2007-07-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

匆匆忙忙的奔波于生活的当儿,请回个头，看一看那些被你遗忘了的角落.

那里是否有一双无助又落寂的眼睛尝试捕捉你的视线？

珍惜身边的一切，失去了的怎么也找不回。

Their Story

2007-07-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

They had dated for 7 years before they got married. They knew each other ever since they were in the college, I think. After dating for years, the guy knew that she was the only woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, he proposed to her, on the very first the day of the Chinese New Year.

The woman was the most lovable daughter in the family. Her mother would make her a glass of 'Hot Milo' every morning once she got up, come rain or shine. It's a kind of habit she had since her daughter was little. It evolved into a family culture, which was known to everybody who were close to the family.

On the fateful day, the guy went on his knee, he said to his beloved woman,

"From now on, please let me replace your mom to make you a glass of 'Hot Milo' every morning..."

Gosh! Silly cute guy...He melted the woman's heart. How could she say NO? Hell No! After a month or two, they got married.

The guy chose to settle down in US. After the marriage ceremony, his wife flew here and joined him in Georgia. Yes, I am staying with them at the moment. They are my friend's sister's roommates.

Every evening, you can see the young couple getting busy in the kitchen, preparing the dinner together for themselves and also their roommates. After that, on the dinning table, you can see them chatting happily while scooping dishes for each other. The wife will give him a glass of water, when the dishes are too spicy.

After dinner, we all would do the dishes together, whereas the husband will take out the lunch boxes, filling them with rice and the left-over dishes so that both of them can bring them to work next day. His wife's lunch box always comes first.

Then, the next morning, of course, a hot 'Milo' and sandwiches on the table for his wife.

They go out for food shopping or movies sometimes. Most of the time, they just hang out with each other in the living room during weekend, watching a movie whilst holding each other tight. They always have so much to talk about and most of the time, you can hear the wife's laughters from your room.

I know that they have just got married and anything can happen after years but seriously, who cares? I find it to be a blissful marriage. They are really satisfy with what they are having right now. They are really an envy among their friends, at least me as the affection they share is so real and warm. They never try to show anyone that they are loving. Though, from every single little gesture of theirs, you can just feel the strong bond they share and the love that they have.

I couldn't stop smiling whenever I see them from the back, when they were helping each other out in the kitchen. I can feel the sweetness overwhelmed the atmosphere. Awww, it taste like honey, I mean the air :p .

First time in my life, I shall say, "Awesome marriage."

May the love lasts forever.

Cheers.

Under The Sun

2007-07-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

You never know where life is going to take you. Sometimes, things just go so out of control. Please remember that humans do have limits, don't get too upset when unpleasant matters occur. Come on, let's smile and deal with it and do whatever you could to cope with the particular situation. You will definitely be alright.

It's hard for a seed to grow strong and flowers. There are too many factors which are going to affect the process. Though, a tiny seed will do whatever it could to fight for the chance of surviving.

Seeing the tough spirit of little seed, the rain will help, the soil will help, so does the sun. Finally, it grows proudly under the cozy sunlight. The flowers blossom, saunter down the meadow triumphantly.

Life's filled with miracles. Believe in it and fight for it. You will be the winner.

Take A break

2007-07-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

In want of a break from previous boring, static and robotic life, I flew to US.

In need of a break from an aupair's life, I traveled around US, spending dollars as if I were a sugarbaby. SO far, Let me see... I have been to a couple places in the southern part of CA, New York, Boston, Washington DC, Georgia and New Jersey. Well, not that much either. Though, I had fun with my friends.

In urge of a break from socializing with only host family and stupid kids, I made a lot of friends from different countries. Let me see... I hung out with those from South Africa, Brazil, Argentina, German, Ukrain, fellow friends from Malaysia andsome local citizens. Result turns out to be fulfilling. I heard a lot of stories and I learn a lot from them through their companionship.

I always think that maybe they were just dreams. They were so unreal. I have to look at the photos taken from time to time, to prove that what I have been through is real and my present life is not a lie.

I wish that some of the things that happened could be a nightmare, which could be forgotten after taking a shower. But hell, it's impossible.
*sigh. another period of depression in my life.

I want to take a break. My nerve cracked. It caused me to have serious headache this morning. I have to take a break from thinking so much. Gotta learn from Ruffles, hey babe, are you a good boy lately? I miss you...

I need a break. Somebody out there tell me a joke, so that I can suppress my thinking of taking my visa card and booking a ticket online.

hahaha.. Malaysia, that could be the best place for me to take a break...

No. I don't feel any better. Tell me the way to take a break from my bad day.

0_o

2007-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

DAMN IT.

I hate Georgia. What for doing here?! I must have out of my mind. I am NUTS!

argg... DAMN DAMN DAMN!

Maggots

2007-07-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

www.research-in-germany.de/coremedia/generato...

I am a disgusting maggot, which is trapped in a deep bottle.

I sleep and eat and eat and sleep, in the expenses of others.

I don't feel good, at all.

Kat-Man-Do

2007-07-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

It was a very hot club in Trenton but none of us managed to get there, until the passed weekend.

Personally, I take it as my farewell parties. I went clubbing there with Protocol, Pekyin and Ingrid two days continuously. I shall say that was the most wonderful experience I ever had in clubbing.

Those live bands all had their own awesome vocalists. Their amazing live performance led the parties to the climax. All of us were crazy, regardless of nationality, skin colours, ages or genders. We couldn't stop screaming in excitement. We danced so hard and forgot about everything we had in our mind. We were conquered by the powerful music and hot atmosphere.

That was the first time in life, I care nothing about embaressment, others' judgement and my own dancing skill. It's party time! Let's get wild. Though, guys are jerks, they were like hunters waiting for their preys. NO WAYS! We know we are so damn hot, but, it's totally none of your freaking business. Some of us might have the most beautiful legs in this world, but SO WHAT? You can never touch it, not even when you are stepping into your coffin! FAT HOPE!

The parties went on till we got home in the middle of the night. We drank with each other until we couldn't walk along a straight line. We danced on the dining table, shouting and screaming like crazy girls. Yes, we were. We partied so hard, for what? It wasn't merely about my leaving. It's a kind of ceremony, which we supposed to have. as a memory towards the life we used to have. It is a symbol of we moving on to another stage of life journey.

I will on a jet plane again tomorrow, don't know when will I be back.

So again, byebye friends. Bye New Jersey. I love you, Princeton.

ciao.

Life Update Crap

2007-07-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I guess I have something to jot down here.

1. FREEDOM
I have quitted the au pair program and officially moved out from Long Island on the 30th June, 2007. I am staying with Protocol in New Jersey ever since the mentioned date above.

2. BARTENDING
I took the one-week mixology course in Authentic Bartending School in Edison (NJ), started from 2nd to 8th July, 2007. Finally, I passed the test on the 8th. Yes, I have a certain level of mixology skill. But, can I get a decent job in that area? Only God will know.

3. VISA
I had officially sent out my important documents to the immigration centre in California last week, applying for a change of status after receiving my I-20 from the university. Due to that reason, I don't have the original copy of my I-94 and couldn't take the driving test this morning. I am actually kinda upset about it.

4. NEW ROOM
After calling thousands of people, I found a place to stay in Santa Ana, California. It looks like a nice house to stay in. I will be staying with Protocol and each of us have to pay 430 US dollars permonth. There will be a Brazillian roomate who seems to be a bit weird in someway staying with us. Anyway, we will move in on the 1st of September.

5. COLLISION
My mom was hospitalized for about two weeks due to dengue fever. The Virus Flavirus was so deadly, it caused serious infection upon all of her important inner organs. She was in the ICU for 48 hours and the doctor even asked my grandpa to prepare for the worst as she was in a REALLY critical situation. The scariest thing was, I had totally NO CLUE of that. I knew she was hospitalized due to the disease but all of the family members kept me in the dark. All of them said that she was doing all right. UGLY LIES! I knew the truth only after she was discharged days ago. I cried so badly. I was so scared. At the critical moment, I wasn't able to stay by her side and I didn't even know that I might lose her forever! DAMN! Don't ever keep me in the dark AGAIN! I fucking hate it. Anyway, thank God. She's getting better right now.

6. FLYING
I have just bought an air ticket to Georgia on 17th July, 2007. Yes, I will be on plane again. What for to Georgia? hmm.. Well, I think I need some place to stay before flying to CA. Plus, Kailing's sister kindly offers a room to stay without rental for one month. I might get a job there. I don't know. I have no other better choice.

7. LUCK
I need luck, a lot of luck in this kind of situation. You guys out there, PRAY for me..

Another Goodbye

2007-06-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

Going to leave Melville in hours. I have just said goodbye to everybody, Lyndsey, WIlliam and my host mom, Geri.

Surprisingly, nothing dramatic happened. Kiss, hugs and goodbye. That's all.

I did't cry, Oh my Gosh, I can't believe it!

I WILL miss you guys. I love you WIllIAM. I will never ever see you again, but I have you in my heart. You will forget about 'Chia' after three days, but you are a memory, which I will keep inside my heart, ETERNALLY.

I remember you told me about your dolphine dream. I remember the time we play catch and all those silly games together, I remember the way I forced you eating medicine when you are sick...YES. I do have a collection od 'YOU AND ME'.

I love you, soo much. This is a kind of love, which I could have only learnt from this stupid Au Pair thing....

Though, I am still young, another station of life in my journey.

So, seeya.. perhaps, I will hear something from you in my destination.

LOVE YOU. MUAKS.

Ciao New York and Long Island...

Tanning

2007-06-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

"Fair, Slim, Long Silky Hair"--- That's the 3 basic typical conditions of being 'Beautiful' in most Asian's world. Though, in a country like Malaysia, which is basically having that kind of 'eternal summer' weather, it's nearly impossible for the girls to stay fair all the time. As a result...we use tonnes of WHITENING lotions for different part of our bodies. We carry umbrella to shelter from sunlight rather than rain drops. We wear long sleeve jacket even when the temperature is hitting 100 degree celcius ( Yes, we love to burn ourselevs in hell) and we avoid going out in the day time, sneaking out and hanging out with friends only in the evening...

All of the actions mentioned above are actually bizzare to people in US. At here, majority of the whites hate being so 'white'. When the summer's here, they will try whatever ways to tan themseleves. They would jog topless (guys of course! :P) for hours under the hot sun, using tanning lotion, wearing bikini and expose themselevs to the sunlight at the beach for hours, sitting under the hot sun to read a book while wearing sun glasses in the afternoon... Basically just do everything under the hot sun to get burnt...Weird? hmm.. well, I guess this is due to human's nature. We crave for whatever we couldn't get naturally...

I had my frreezing Winter with thick snow and a 'not-that-warm' Spring in New York. Then now, Summer! I was fair (or maybe yellow?! -_-) during the winter, really really fair until I couldn't recognize my own skin colour! 0_o However, now I really look like a black girl. I am tanned because I burn myself under the sun in the swimming pool EVERYDAY, even if it's 12 o'clock in the noon, whenever I have my own free time.

Yes, I look ugly now. Like what Protocol said, "Porky and Black". But, who cares? Never in life I would dare to even 'think' that I will be able swim in a private swimming pool. Now, the wishful 'thought' actually became true.

Melville is the richest area in Long Island so it's actually common for the residents here to have swimming pool in their backyard. The pool is opened during summer. So... Here I am...

It was 12 o'clock noon time. I was about to jump into the pool.

Nice pool! Gosh! I can swim ANYTIME I want to without having anyone sharing it! It's owned! It's MINE!

After swimming like a frog for one hour. I was TANNED! But, I really enjoy the feeling of having my Own pool. When I get tired, I just walked the dog or read a book under the sunlight for a while, then jump back to the deep blue water, swim until I satisfy.

I allow the sunlight to tan me in whatever way he wants to as I won't have this kind of chance anymore...I'm leaving soon..really soon...

Home

2007-06-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

There's only one place on earth, which you call it a 'HOME'.

I need a pair of wings now. I want to fly back home now...NOW

A book for girls

2007-06-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

Reading is my greatest hobby in life. I can spend hours in a bookshop, without realising how the time passed by. Living in US, the greatets thing is that the books here are cheap and huge bookshops are available everywhere. So that day, I went to Barnes and Noble with Protocol, one of the books on the shelf caught my attention.

It's "The myth of you and me".

Nowadays, it's really hard to get a writer who wrote about friendship. Well, generally, relationship between couples conqueres. This book is just different. It impressed me through the vivid description of a friendship between two girls since they were 14 years old.

One character in the book noted,

"Woman always choose man over another woman..."
"There's no such thing as friendship forever between women..."

Believe it or not? It's up to you. The book explains everything about women's friendship. It's not merely about choosing man over woman, it's about trust, honesty, forgive and forget.

My conclusion after reading the book -- Friendship between girls are fragile, we need to work extra hard to make it works. Watering it with trust and commitment, it's going to turn out great and who knows, lasts forever, perhaps.

Man's nothing. Boyfriend's no big deal.

A true friend tops them all.

Go read it! It's awesome.

Acceptance

2007-06-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

After all those stupid and nerve-wrecking process for months, FINALLY, I got accepted.

I will be able to further my study in the master degree of counselling psychology, marriage and family therapy, at this coming September.

Is this a good news? uh huh! I guess so. Though, meanwhile, a LOT more new challenegs awaiting me ahead. I have to fly to another foreign land again, and start everything ALL OVER again...

When choosing between New York City and California, I chose the latter, due to a lot of reasons, in terms of monetary, lifestyle, environment, subject, schools, schedule...

I am not sure if that was a good choice. But, frankly speaking, weeks ago, I regretted for that and actually wanted to remain in New York City. You know that, humans are afraid of starting new life and moving to a new area. Nobody likes the feeling of helplessness in an alien place with aliens speaking foregin language, and leading a different lifestyle. Seriously, we know NOBODY there! Santa Ana, what the hell is going on there? we have no freaking idea.

But then, after a long talk with Protocol, both of us decided to move to California. It's really a COMPLICATED process, to apply for another university. The paperwork is just FREAKING idiot and time-consuming.

So, what now? Saying goodbye? Changing Visa? Booking air-ticket? Find a place to stay in CA? Get a job? Thinking of Legal and illegal issue?

NO CLUE! Basically I have to do all the mentioned things above.

How nice could that be, if things are as easy to be done as writing them down.

Protocol has been bothered by something. My situation is not that difficult but I don't feel good, too.

After thinking for the entire night, I think I have to write this post.

You are not ALONE. NO matter what the problem is, we WILL face it together! Remember the time I was under rematch? I was like a zombie without a single soul, packing my stuff while waiting for SOMEBODY to call, saying that he or she was going to take me in. I was prepared to go back to Malaysia, but then miracle happened at the very LAST minute. Do you remember the magical Wednesday afternoon? When I called you from Los Angeles and told you that I got a new host family in Long Island? We shouted and screamed in happiness.

The freaking moment, you were with me, I will never forget, never ever.

Now, we got what we really want, our DREAM is nearer. GO for it.

I will be with you and you will be with me.

We can do it! Believe in yourself then you can do anything.

So, SMILE. Yell "Hurray"! WE are flying to california!!!

YES! Life will get better, after going through hardship. we must be strong. For some reason, maybe we are fated to fly WEST, cogitate deeper, don't you think so?

Never give up, PROMISE?! Say yes.

Six Flags

2007-06-12T00:15:00.000-07:00

I love theme park and roller coaster, ever since I was little. I remember seeing one Documentary about World's highest roller coaster in Discovery channel years ago. It was basically about the world scariest and most challenging roller coasters, including the orginal one, which was made of wood.

At that time, I was thinking, "Wow, they look cool! How nice could that be if I am able to ride on anyone of them..."

Basically, I am a chicken. Though, I am not a regular one. I am weird and love to challenge my limits even if it's going to scare the shit out of me. So, when my pal, Protocol told me about SIX FLAG, the world-renowned theme park which has been popular for ages, I pleaded her to drive both of us there, since it's only half an hour away from her area in New Jersey.

Yes...Our scary journey begins here... I won't say much here, basically just want to show you guys some nice photoes. For more information, please refer to Protocol's latest entry:p

These brilliant creations made ours blood ran cold. Man, Scary but You HAVE to TRY it.

NO KIDDING. We rode on MOST of the freaking high roller coasters, which are AT LEAST Thousands feets away from the ground. The wooden roller coaster is the UTMOST deadly scary thing I ever tried in my entire life. Try to open your eyes when you reach the peak and seeing it going down. Hmmm.. I guarantee you, you will be able to taste the cloud hanging in the sky and you won't be able to open your mouth to scream, cause normally a human will go hysterical seeing ownself falling down from the sky.

Now, some interesting and amazing lanscapes. :p

We have superheroes here! See...Batman's car!

And, we have CHARMING and EXOTIC HEROES to PICK us Up! Protocol could hear the GREEN Hero's heartbeat, no KIDDING! Gosh! Sorry, we are TOO heavy!

Time to say goodbye. Damnit, we paid about 50 US dollars each but didn't really have time to UTILIZE it. hmm.. never mind, next time. The last picture, the greatest one. Protocol and I.

MUAKS! Love you. Because of you, my life's perfect.

Done

2007-06-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

picture taken from http://images.quizilla.com/I/ItchyTrigger/1123620384_lin20demon.jpg

Devil, get burnt in hell.

Money

2007-05-31T22:15:00.000-07:00

I want MONEY! Please give me US dollars. Please give me big fat US DOLLARS!!!

Calling help now! S.O.S!

Girls in Nature

2007-05-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

We always try to be active, worked out a little bit. So, that weekend, we rode our bikes and rowed the boat in Princeton area...

We try to live up life to the fullest, so we travelled to the West Beach in Long Island last weekend. Then on our way home, we saw the bed of flowers growing at the side of the road. We soaked in the embrace of mother nature, took some photoes and plucked some flowers...

Soooo, Au Pairs are not only good at eating, sleeping, cooking, doing laundry, doing food and grocery shopping, picking kids up, and taking care of kids' daily routine. WE DO HAVE OUR LIFE!

Or are we trying to PROVE that actually we have??!!!

Lonely Night

2007-05-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

It's the middle of the night, 12.28am (Friday night or Saturday morning) supposes to be fun. But what am I doing here right now?

1. Sitting in front of the computer. Talking to some random people.
2. Browsing some irrelevant websites.
3. Talking to Protocol on the phone.
4. Drinking Corona Extra alone...

Firstly...

After 10 minutes...

Me drunk. Drunkard...

My Friday night... Drowning in the sea of alcohol..

Though, I love Corona Extra. It tastes soooo good.

Hmmm...